As you may already know, I used to work as a clown for circuses. One
show in particular hired me to be the "advance clown". I'd travel ahead
of the circus and hand out free children's tickets, put up posters, and
juggle at some school shows. This particular trip brought me to
Kentucky.
Over the years I had developed what could only be
described as a love/hate relationship with this state. I loved to hate
Kentucky and it loved to hate me. On this road trip, Kentucky won the
battle. My tour started in Madisonville, KY and would take me to the
far eastern end of the state. In all I would spend at least a week in
Kentucky.
I loaded up my yellow van with props and costumes
and headed to the Bluegrass State. I was determined to make it to my
first destination sometime that evening. As I crossed the border into
Kentucky a loud clasp of thunder echoed in the night air. I actually
joked to myself about how ominous that thunder was. I laughed off what
was in actuality a bad sign. I found a motel and rested up for the next
day's work.
I had 4 school shows scheduled that day. The plan
was to do the first two shows, get lunch, and hit the local businesses
until my afternoon shows. The first two shows went without a hitch. I
gave out the passes, shook hands, hugged kids, & signed autographs.
Following the performances I ventured into the town. Everywhere I went
I was met with an uncomfortable amount of tension from the townsfolk.
Kids at a day-care center ran from their activities to meet me, only to
be hurriedly corralled by their caretaker and taken inside. It was
quite strange, especially after the warm reception I got at the
schools.
I approached a diner, and saw a peering eye behind
the front door's curtain. I entered the building was met by a large
man. I noticed that all the waitresses were behind the counter. The
large man was the only one to speak to me.
"What can I do for you?" He asked abruptly.
I
explained what I was doing, "CIRCUS...TICKETS...POSTERS", the pitch
went on as it had all day. All I got in response was a terse, "uh-huh".
He grabbed the tickets from my hand, placed them into his pocket, and
asked me to leave. I saw no problem in accomodating his request.
As
the day went on I found this sort of behavior most everywhere I went.
Perhaps the people there just didn't like talking to a clown before
lunchtime. I only wish that was the real problem. The real problem was
about to reveal itself to me.
Wanna See A Show? Deciding that
lunch could wait a bit longer, I headed out in my van to find more
businesses. While driving I noticed a police car in my rear-view
mirror. I didn't think anything of it at the time. I wasn't doing
anything wrong, all my lights and signals were working and I wasn't
speeding. I noticed a small strip mall that had a florist's shop. I
turned into the parking lot, as did the police car. I entered the shop,
had a lovely conversation with the owner, left some promotional
materials, said my goodbyes and left.
[BB]
Once outside I saw
that the police car was parked next to my van. At the passenger's side
was a nervous cop hiding behind his door, his gun drawn. The driver was
peering into the window of my van. "Here he comes", said the nervous
cop to the other officer.
"Do you mind if I ask you a couple of questions", asked the officer without the brandished gun.
"Not at all", I said. .
"What ...exactly are you doing here", he asked?
I
gave him the details, "CIRCUS...TICKETS...POSTERS". The officer nodded
his head and grunted out an "uh-huh". I thought this was ALL anyone
could say in this town. He pulled out a small notepad and began reading.
"Are
you aware that there have been reports of ...a man driving a white or
yellow van, disguised as a clown, kidnapping and molesting children?"
The
question echoed in my head. Through my make-up you could tell my face
was turning white. "Are you kidding me", I asked the officer? I went
on, insisting that I wasnt the culprit. I took out my driver's license,
my Social Security card, my business card, ANYTHING that might show him
that I was a law-abiding citizen. I asked where these crimes were to
have occurred. He went back to his notepad and rattled off two towns
that were 20 and 50 miles from us, towns I had performances scheduled
later that week.
I asked about the crime, trying to find out
whatever I could. Apparently the demon-clown's modus operandi was to
hand out tickets to a "show" at a location somewhere in the town. When
kids arrived he'd do a few juggling tricks (another fine coincidence)
and then scoop them up into his van. The whole thing smacked of an
urban legend but it was all too real to the people of Madisonville.
The
officer told me that theyd received many calls about me. One woman
called not to warn them but to say that "we've got an eye on him" and
her husband was going to "kill him for you". Lovely.
Knives?
What Knives? Next he asked, "Would you mind if I look inside your van?"
I let him into my van but not before giving him an inventory of
everything that was inside my van. Being a juggler I had knives,
torches, lighter fluid, maps of the towns, lists of all the grade
schools...everything that could incriminate me as a psycho clown.
After
a thorough inspection of my van he asked if I'd mind escorting him to
the station. He gave me directions and planned on following me as
opposed to the other way around. Surprised, I asked if he thought that
was best to have me lead the way. He laughed a redneck laugh and said,
"Where ya gonna go? The whole damn town wants to kill ya". Charming.
I
arrived at the station and went into the chief's office. He was sitting
behind his desk with his feet up. He was reminiscent of the prison cop
from 'Cool Hand Luke', complete with mirrored sunglasses. He greeted me
with, "Boy, you picked the wrong day to visit Kentucky".
[BB]
He
quietly confessed that he was sure that the killer-clown thing was most
likely an urban legend. But, given that everyone in the town had heard
this story AND saw me roaming about he had no choice but to bring me
in. "Some of these fellas 'round here would like to play 'Hero' with
this one", he said.
I had him call the circus office.
Unfortunately the show was on the road and there wasn't anyone in the
office for quite some time. We made small talk waiting for SOMEONE from
the circus to call the station. During that time they ran a check on my
license and found that I was squeaky-clean. Eventually the phone rang,
my story checked out, and we laughed a good laugh. I was allowed to go.
The chief suggested that it might be a good idea to take off the
make-up if I expected to finish the day and I happily obliged.
The
remaining shows went very well. As I left the last school I was greeted
once again by the police. "Miss me already", I joked. Surprisingly the
cop angrily said, "WHY ARE YOU HERE"? I told him I was promoting a
show. He then said, "Are you aware that you can be arrested for fraud
for promoting a show that isn't going to happen?"
Apparently
the Chamber of Commerce had decided they didn't want the show to come
to town due to the controversy. They cancelled the contract without
alerting the show owners, called the police and told them I was robbing
the good people of Madisonville. At least that's what I was told on my
second trip to the police station.
Once again, it was decided
that since I did nothing wrong and I was let go. I was told that I was
no longer welcome in Madisonville (NO LONGER?) and it was suggested
that I should leave.
I went back to every business and removed
all my posters and tickets. I got an earful from every vendor, every
manager, and a few parents of small kids who saw my shows and planned
on attending the circus.
The following day I woke up EARLY and
left town. I looked in my rear-view mirror and noticed a State Trooper
behind me. He followed me for at least 50 miles, waiting for me to do
something illegal. I was the picture of roadside legality. The trooper
followed me to the county line and then he let me drive away.
Every
town I stopped in recommended that I don't wear any clown make-up for
my shows because the killer-clown they'd heard about was recently in
Madisonville. Three weeks later I was home watching my local news. They
were breaking a story about a child-molesting, van-driving clown that
was reported to be in the area. I gave up clowning soon thereafter. It
was cheaper than buying a new car.
Andy Martello is a comedian
& juggler living in the Chicago area. Stories shared within the
pages of The Cheers will one day be featured in his upcoming book,
tentatively titled, 'Prose & C.O.N.S.' For more info about Andy
check out his website, www.andymartello.com
Tags:
comedian clown Costumes humor 
