You do not look good in those
long shorts.
Yes, you.
You do not look good in those
long shorts.
I know it’s summer. I know it’s hot. The druids celebrated the solstice with
dances and ceremonies. We go
shopping. It’s time to pick up the
latest trend.
Our winter bodies come out from
hiding behind forgiving dark colors and loose cuts and sweaters and we are now
on display. Our pasty skin must face the
music. Our sweaters become
t-shirts. Our pants become shorts and
short skirts. And those clothes, we are
told by magazines, must be in style.
This year’s trend is knee-length
shorts.
But you shouldn’t be wearing
them.
At all.
You do not look good in those
long shorts.
Take a look at yourself.
You’ve just paid $40 for shorts
that fall just above the knee, bringing attention to the dimples, spider veins
and stretch marks you’ve accumulated there.
But scan just to the north a bit.
Up a little higher. Yep, that’s
it, the thigh bulge. You’ve got the
fattest part of your thigh encased in stripes, or prints or a light colored
solid fabric. It doesn’t look good.
Let’s take our tour of shame up a
little higher…. to the low waist. Your
underwear does not stay inside the shorts. It doesn’t matter how cute your underwear is. The band can be lined with daisies and hearts
and flowers and cute monkeys or funny sayings like “Boys Like Me”, it doesn’t
matter. Your underwear still belongs
inside your pants. Don’t look to your shirt to cover this offense. T-shirts are not worn that low anymore. Face it, your waist band will be seen. Your underwear will stick out above it. You will officially look bad.
All over the world, fashion
forward women are picking out their outfits for the day. We want to look good. We want to look modern, and up-to-date without looking trendy. When it’s hot, we want to wear shorts and last
year’s shorts just won’t do. Why? We already have them. There’s just no money in them. So, since last year the trend was very, very
short shorts. This year, the trend is
very, very long shorts. It’s ingenious,
really. Last year’s Daisy Dukes cannot
be modified in anyway to fit in with what all of the fashion magazines tell us we
should be wearing. If we do go out in
last year’s shorts, rest assured: People
will be looking. You looked bad in those
shorts too and now, you’re wearing un-flattering shorts that no one else is
wearing and it’s conspicuous.
It’s an interesting bind we find
ourselves in. How do we confront our
friends about unflattering fashion mistakes?
We all tell our friends we expect brutal honesty when it comes to
anything that looks bad. And yet, do we really want our friends to be
honest? The answer is, of course,
no. We want our friends to tell us we
look good in everything.
Fear not. There is a solution.
Stick with
the classics.
The
classics are always in style. They
always look good on you. They’re
available at most stores and, even better, they can be worn from year to year
without shame.
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