After further generalizing of his "big picture" and his convictions,
Bush altered his campaign theme of "War on Terrorism" to a much more
general and more appealing theme of "War on Death"."Afterall," Bush claimed, "Whether you are a liberal, conservative, Democrat, or Republican, everyone is afraid of Death."
"Death threatens 100% of the population of all humans and other life on Earth. You can face a more serious threat than that."
And
just to preempt Kerry, Bush's campaign quickly claimed the idea for
their own, saying, Senator Kerry and the Democrats have "no plan" to
deal with this threat.
"We can't afford to wait and see when
Death strikes down another American life or any citizens of any other
country, and we won't wait for UN approval for our defense against
DEATH. So if other countries won't do anything about DEATH, we will
preemptive strike WHEREEVER DEATH may be, to ensure the safety of our
own American citizens." A Bush spokesman said today.
So the
President announced that if he wins the election, he will immediately
begin strategic bombing of countries with the highest number of DEATHS.
And
when asked whatif civilian casualties are very high as a result, Bush
replied, "we will do everything we can to prevent DEATH."
"President Bush has a REAL plan to deal with DEATH. He is resolute and unwavering against DEATH."
Simultaneously,
Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge announced a new "FAITH based
Death Alert Color Coding System" with 5 levels of Threat:
"Not enough Flu shots, Take an aspirin and a prayer" Grey.
"A Flu shot, because you shake lots of hands" Grey.
"Shouldn't wait, go to Canada for shots" Grey.
"Winning local Flu Shot lottery" Grey.
and finally, "Duct Taping your house against DEATH" Grey.
Not necessarily ordered from high risk to low risk.
Not
to be outdone, Kerry Campaign immediately countered with several last
minute ads, blasting Bush's record on the "War on Death",
"President
Bush has repeatedly misled our country on the truth about War on Death,
and shown great incompetence in managing that war." One ad claimed.
"The War on Terrorism alone caused over 100,000 Iraqi deaths, according
to the latest scientific numbers."
The new war has caused the bloggers to spiral conspiracy theories.
Within hours, there were talks of how the French and the Russians supported and financed DEATH.
"APPEASEMENT with DEATH never works!" One blogger claimed.
Criticisms of Bush's "War on DEATH" were almost immediately denounced as "anti-American Euro Socialist Agenda".
But
the most bizzarre turn came, when scientists announced that the cause
of DEATH is actually LIFE itself, that anything born to LIFE is
condemned to ultimately DEATH, study of 100 mice in isolation showned.
And the ONLY cure for DEATH, seems to be cryogenic freezing.
RESPONDING to this development, Bush's cabinet immediately proposed a plan to FREEZE all US citizens for Congress to pass.
House Democrats immediately criticized the plan as fiscally
irresponsible.
"How
can we pay for this, when we are deep in deficit, and we will be pretty
much putting away all of the taxpayers into a catatonic state for
eternity?" one Democratic Congressman asked.
A compromise is in discussion, where the Bush cabinet tentatively agreed to FREEZE only senior citizens and homeless people.
Undoubtedly however, the pro-life lobbyists OPPOSED this compromise.
"We
have been fighting for the right of FROZEN zygotes and fetuses from the
very beginning. We are the experts on the rights of all life frozen.
How can the President give away the right to LIFE, the right to be
FROZEN for all eternity to ONLY the seniors and the homeless?" A
spokesman for CDIH (Cold Day In Hell) said. "We demand the same right
to be FROZEN!"
In other news, in the latest Gallup Poll,
40% of Americans surveyed thought Saddam had something to do with DEATH.
20% believed that DEATH was responsible for 9/11.
20% believed that DEATH was in Iraq.
and another 20% believed that DEATH was now the most important issue in this Presidential race.
Enjoy!
Tags:
US Bush war death election 
