The Ten Commandments According to Bill Bennett

1. "I am the Bill thy moral compass, who hath brought America out of the land of Clinton, into the house of Bush. Thou shalt need no other books than mine."

2. Thou shalt not shun my moral instruction manuals, magazines or audiotapes that are in bookstores, or for sale at thrift stores, or that which is available online. Thou knowest that with these monies, I, the Bill can worship at the Bellagio my Casino, visiting the betting of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that gamble there; and promising prosperity unto thousands of them that love Las Vegas, and bet their paychecks.

3. Thou shalt not take the Name of the Bellagio my Casino in vain; for my Casino will charge a half million to all those that abuseth thy house privileges.

4. Remember Las Vegas and keep ones bets low. Six days shalt thou bet, and do all thy bidding: but the seventh day is the Sabbath at the Bellagio my Casino: in it thou shalt not do any betting, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, nor thy butler, nor thy maid, nor thy chauffer, nor thy beggar that lost his paycheck: for in six days developers built Las Vegas and blessed the dice, and all the cards, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Casino owners blessed the Sabbath Day, and hallowed it.

5. Honor thy bets so they will maketh calculated gambles to ensure covering thy losses.

6. Thou shalt not gamble with thy childs milk money.

7. Thou shalt not bet on illegal cockfights or state-run lotteries.

8. Thou shalt not play the ponies.

9. Thou shalt no longer bet eight million dollars during a reign of ten years.

10. Thou shalt not lose thy house in a high-stakes poker game, thou shalt not lose thy wife, nor thy butler, nor thy maid, nor thy Mercedes nor anything that belongs to thy family.

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