You Gonna Eat That?

Men are simple creatures, not unlike the animal that we are most often compared to, the dog. We eat. We sleep. We work. We play.

Sometimes, when allowed, we fuck. There's the occasional quest for knowledge, but this can be either avoided or enhanced by a few bottles of beer. Basically, as men we are ALL the same.

Men & women are both nuts. The difference is that men are nuts about the same things. What drives me crazy about my wife will likely drive another man crazy about his wife. Women are individually insane. Over a round of drinks at a club, they'll loudly cackle & complain about the same things regarding men, only to break up their complaints into bizarre subcategories suited to each individual personality.

So far as I can tell there is only one thing a committee of women can agree upon. Men must not look at, talk to, or have any sort of encounters with any other women. EVER! Were allowed to talk to our mothers by default, paving the way for "Mamma's Boy accusations later on. We may also interact with the rest of our immediate family so long as we EXCLUDE attractive female cousins. Average-looking to HOT single women are not even up for debate. Were forbidden to coexist with other women because we might want to sleep with them, which leads me to the point of this essay.

A mantra women spout out often is, "You're all the same. You're only interested in ONE THING." They always say "one thing" with such an insinuating tone, as if were going to feel guilty about the accusation. Of course we dont feel guilty because the women are dead wrong.

Ladies, I say to you now, men are NOT interested in ONE THING. We are interested in FIVE THINGS. These five things are what we base our entire lives upon.

I now happily lay these things out for you, behind enemy lines. Do not ruin them by over analyzing them with that touchie-feelie-what-about-my-feelings crap. These are absolute truths. ALL men follow these rules. We will not change these five things. Men do not change. Men only adapt in order to get laid.

Before entering a situation or relationship we ask ourselves these five questions.

1) Can I eat it?

2) Can I fuck it?

3) Can I kill it?

4) Can I build it?

5) Will it make me high?

That's it. It is just that simple. Men are always eating, fucking, killing, building or getting high. When not engaged in these activities, we sleep.

So long as the answer is MAYBE, not necessarily YES to one or all of these questions, we will invest some time into the situation.

Let's examine these 5 simple truths.

Can I Eat it? Food. The basic need of all life. As babies, every darned thing we touch ends up in our mouths. At the earliest ages we use the sense of taste to guide us into happiness. Throughout our lives things that we cannot eat are NOT important to us.

Can I Fuck it? Do I really have to explain this one? Men are born with the genetic need to mate & mate often. There are only two creatures on Earth that have sex for pleasure as well as for procreation; humans and dolphins. According to Animal Planet dolphins do it A LOT! Have you ever seen an unhappy dolphin?

Can I kill it? Men like to hunt & destroy things. We watch action movies, we put firecrackers in the mouths of frogs, we buy Ted Nugent records. We like mayhem & anarchy. [BB]

Can I build it? If we cant find something to hunt or destroy we build it ourselves. We can kill & build at the same time. Lop off a few acres of treesbuild a parking garage. We build cities, reputations, homes. We build!

Will it make me high? Anything that makes unusually happy for a prolonged amount of time is always in favor with us. Beer, pot, cars, strippers, beer - it's all good. We are drawn to the immediate gratification provided by the simplest things.

There is one sub-category question that can be applied to many of the above questions and situations. That question is...

Can I look at or play with it?
This is where things like football, video games, sports & nipples come into play. There's always time in our lives for even MORE senseless happiness.

As I stated earlier, the answer to these questions need only be MAYBE for us to continue to play along. As long as the answer is maybe, it might lead to a YES and we are willing to wait! As an example I recall the comparison to men and dogs.

Ladies, you are absolutely right. Men are dogs, but not in the hump-anything-that-moves sort of way as you so often assume. If you have ever owned a dog you will easily be able to follow this scenario.

Lets say you own a dog. Now enter into the scenario a sandwich youd like to eat. With puppy dog eyes, that dog will watch you eat your sandwich for HOURS if necessary in order to get a bite for himself. Every morsel entering your mouth is accompanied by a sad and yearning stare. The dog is asking, "Can I eat it?" If there is still some sandwich left, he determines the answer is MAYBE. Bite after bite hell watch and wait, knowing that he might get a taste. If you finish the meal without tossing a crumb or two to the dog, he leaves. Men are no different.

Dogs have the same system of questions as men, only they've narrowed it down to eating & fucking. ONLY 2 steps! Crafty bastards! When not engaged in these activities they sleep.

It is for this reason I can assert that men are the only creatures that truly "fall" in love. Women over the years have really ruined a simple phrase like 'falling in love' and turned it into this wildly romantic notion, a notion that at best, plays well in movies and cheap paperbacks but rarely in real life.

Examine the phrase, FALL IN LOVE. Men fall IN love, women fall FOR love. Love is what women want. Love is what happens to men while waiting for the sandwich. A man will hang around a woman he is interested in, laughing, talking, enduring the getting-to-know-you bullshit for as long as necessary all while asking himself one or more of the 5 questions. We'll assume that the question asked here is, "Can I fuck it?" Sorry, but would you rather that the question were, Can I kill it?

If the witty banter and chatter is working at all the man concludes the answer to his question is MAYBE. The amount of time a man is willing to spend on this person is directly related to the intensity of interest that forced him to ask the question and start talking in the first place. In that amount of time, no matter how long it may be, he decides just how much further he is willing to go to get that YES.

As time progresses, a steady diet of MAYBES causes him to learn more about you. Eventually he wakes up one morning, longing to be with you again & have even more meaningless conversations. He plans his day around seeing you again. He decides he likes being with you. One day, probably while shaving, hes shocked by the realization that you dont bug him as much as the other women he has met. He LOVES you. He's FALLEN in love. Taken literally, he tripped over his own plans and fallen into a pit of love.

I cant tell you when you should or shouldnt sleep with a guy. I can tell you is if it happens too soon most guys, satisfied to get the answer to their question will leave. If it happens too late, he's probably started asking questions with other ladies already. The key is to get to that YES in a timely manner and with proficiency in order to get him to put a special little addendum to his question. "Can I fuck it...AGAIN?" Let's face it, what guy eats just ONE sandwich?

Now don't yell at me. I don't make the rules. I just understand and follow them. Apply these rules to the people you're interested in and avoid the jerks. Dont complain that there are no men willing to commit to a relationship. All men are willing to commit if the sandwich is good. Look for guys with conversation skills and a fair amount of patience. Knowing now that we are not only interested in ONE THING you may take this knowledge I have bestowed upon you and use it to your advantage. If you mess with these truths & can't manage to find satisfaction in some way, consider yourself warned.

I wonder if Quiznos is open.

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