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My Farked Up Life!

 article about Crazy workplace stories
2004-06-17 09:43:51
I feel lousy. I'm not sure what the reason for that might be exactly.
But I guess being always the SECOND one has its part in it. Second in
everything, maybe even third. Things like waking up in the morning I
never do it as the first person, as I'm just too afraid of waking
everyone else up.

Or finishing my beer, I always try to finish
my beer as late as possible. Just in case anyone else wants some more
beer... so that I could offer mine. I also try to be the last one who
gets hit by an 18-wheeler. Not to mention drowing. I never want to be
the first one, but always second or a third. I guess that's also the
reason why I'm still alive. Bummer, I must say.

Things have
been rather hectic this week. Haven't really had any time to do
anything really stupid. So I've just been around with my normal free
time activities. Catching pigeons, eating ducks and breeding cannabis.
That's basically what I do when I'm not drinking. Well, yes, I'm also
supposed to run this freakin' magazine. The Cheers you know. But I have
less and less time for it with every day so I don't consider it a
regular activity anymore. It's rather something like dinge-an-sich
(like they say in English something that you put inside vodka or...smth
similar). The Cheers is The Cheers. Independent of me. That's it. End
of story. Why do you always want to piss me off? Making me talk about
the magazine and such crap. I don't want to. I want to live like all
other normal people. I really do. Sorry about that.

And
that's my entire story for this week? Well, yeah. You see, that column
is about my life. And I drink a lot. I drink a lot in my life. And
that's why I need to leave you with the other crap. I just need to go
drinking. You see, vodka is one of the most important bits of my farked
up life. If I can't get it, you will die.

Have you ever felt
like you were in a movie? Green devil sitting on your left shoulder and
yellow fox on the other? Well, that's exactly how I feel right now. So
welcome to my world. The yellow fox is always whispering Fuck off, fuck
off, fuck off, and the pink devil is always yelling Shut the fuck up!
Shut the fuck up you weirdo at the other guy. No one really cares about
me. Even the guys on my shoulders are arguing with each other without
even noticing my presents. And the more I drink the louder they are. I
wish.... I wish they would say at least once Siim, hey, it's me here.
Fuck off! It would be all I need. Just a little attention. But no, no
one is ready to give me that. They say I'm too stupid. Even the
shit-colored fox is always talking about me like I wasn't there. Hey,
purple devil, you know a joke? Two guys are crossing the road. A car
comes and hits Siim. He dies after a blink of his right eye. You know
who'se the other guy? The one who survived? No? Me neither, but
fortunately it wasn't Siim. And even if I try to tell them anything,
they play like I was not there, like I was invisible. And I need to
carry these 30kg little pigs on my shoulders. I need help. I really do.
I wonder, would the Terminator be able to help me? Or maybe Rambo with
his huge attributes. Or maybe Shrek could help me. I've heard it's
really difficult to find him, but I bet it's possible. Or if not Shrek
1, then Shrek 2 definitely. Terminator 2 might be a good idea as well,
but he looks too scary to me. Look at that awful face of his. I wonder
how much make-up he has used. I usually don't use more than 15pounds a
day...but then again, it really depends whether it's Tuesday or
Saturday.

Phrr, btw, did I tell you that I'm gonna kill you
if I don't get a drink soon? I would do that, I definitely would. But I
just remembered I have a bottle or two under my bed living together
with my socks. Lambada.





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