Fathers Day is a day dedicated to celebrating fatherhood. It is the one
special day out of the year when children & moms show their
everlasting love, devotion, and appreciation for the dads in their
lives.
Fathers everywhere can not only enjoy one day of
solace, they can hold their heads up high knowing that their hard work
and their willingness to take on the responsibility of being a dad will
not go unnoticed. PLUS, theyll all get GREAT GIFTS!
At least thats what supposed to happen.
Fathers
Day is and always has been a total crock! Dads are often neglected and
their importance in the family is usually only acknowledged when the
judge is working on alimony payments or visitation schedules. Dads get
no respite from the burden of fatherhood on Fathers Day. They get no
special treatment, no fancy presents, and no respect. They dont come
close to reaching the levels of admiration, devotion and unbridled
coddling as mothers do every Mothers Day.
Im not saying that
being a mom is any harder or easier than being a dad. Im sure that we
can all pay our parents a little more respect every now and then.
However, quite frankly, EVERY day is Mothers Day. Moms are treated like
GODS and dads are treated like the help. Perhaps this is a residual
effect of the whole Virgin Mary thing. Regardless, dads will never rate
as highly as moms on the Love-O-Meter. Moms are the apples of their
childrens eyes. Dads are the ones whose arrivals home strike fear into
the kids eyes when they hear mom bellow, You just WAIT til YOUR FATHER
GETS HOME!
This is all due to that pesky nine months of
self-imposed agony and discomfort that women go through during the
process of becoming mothers. Men only have to show up, plant the seed
and then pay for everything. They do have to walk on a lot of egg
shells for nine months being careful not to notice that their
emotionally flip-flopping wives are getting fat. Being a dad is no
picnic.
But does this miracle of childbirth really justify dads
getting the shaft when it comes to gifts, dinners, and overall niceties
on Fathers Day? I highly doubt it! I dont want to make this seem as
though gifts and dinners are the most important things with these
useless holidays, but in reality, that is so clearly the case.
When
it comes time to shop & plan for Mothers Day we are ALL expected to
really bring on the goods. Dont you dare screw up Mothers Day or youll
hear about it for the rest of your natural life.
Kids get a
reprieve from having to really pour on the happiness and the gifts for
a few years. The little hand-drawn card is sweet and satisfactory early
on.
The dad, however had BETTER dig deep into the pocketbook
and find the cash for a champagne brunch, some jewelry, a NICE card,
flowers, a day at the spa, a surf & turf dinner AND a kick-ass gift
if he expects to live a day in his own house with clean underwear and
without tension. He MUST find a sitter for the kids so mom can have a
quiet day without having to tend to anyone. He must also shell out as
few more bucks so the kids who are too old to get away with a macaroni
sculpture and a refrigerator drawing can buy a suitably special and
wholly impractical present for mom. No Ronco Rotisserie Grill for her.
No, sir!
What does dad get for Fathers Day? Old Spice & soap-on-a-rope!
Diddly
Squat!What a total sham! I know men are inherently simpler creatures
than women, but come on people, the guy paid for your braces!
Soap-on-a-rope? Why not just write DIDDLY SQUAT on a Post-it Note and
hand it to him, because thats OBVIOUSLY all he means to you!
What
are the traditional gifts for Fathers Day? A necktie? A Hammer? MAYBE a
Rutger Hauer video? What the hell kind of crap is this? Bring on the
home electronics, the auto accessories, the Makita-Freakin-Pit Bull for
Christs sake! Dads want stuff to play with, things to listen to, and
expensive intoxicating items to consume.
What does MOM think is
a great gift for dad? Hmmm.OOH! Why dont you take the kids fishing or
spend the day with them at Disneyland? Yeah, Mom, thats a great idea, a
DAY OFF FOR YOU!
Dads DONT want to be spending the day with
anyone, especially their kids on Fathers Day. About the only way they
truly want to be out and about with the kids is if these kids are
spending their own money to take dad to a baseball game, Mortons
Steakhouse or to Scores Gentlemans Club. Otherwise, dads just want to
have one day where they can watch every inning of every game, scratch
any body part without scrutiny & everything is quiet until the
silence is interrupted by their own farting. If a tray of hot grilled
food & a DVD copy of their favorite porno were thrown onto the
floor at some point DAD WOULD BE HAPPY! I know one dad who would be
satisfied if all he received on Fathers Day was nothing more than to
crap in peace. Mom gets some diamonds from DeBeers and dad cant even
crap? Somethings got to change!
Moms, heres what most, if not ALL dads want for Fathers Day. Make a list. Youll need to remember this.
DADS
WANT SEX. Preferably not with you. Sex with you is what got the poor
bastards in this mess to begin with! Hell, they probably didnt really
want to be dads in the first place, they just wanted to have some sex
and shut you up about the whole family thing.
Rock Hard. As it Should Be!
If
they MUST get their kitty from the same old pet store then give them
the GOOD SEX. Not that tired old white-bread married sex that youve
been giving him once every two months since your wedding day. Dad wants
that hot, sweaty, whos-your-daddy, porn star MONKEY LOVE that he had
before he got married. In other words, give him that wild, reckless
abandon sex you had with all the guitar players and Harley riders
before you decided to settle down with a nice guy and have a family.
Every
thing youve said no to in the past, everything hes been afraid to ask
for because of your wrath & judgment, all the things you need a
bottle of Jack Daniels in your system to even consider - those things
are ALL ON THE MENU on Fathers Day. In fact thats what he wants on his
birthday, Christmas & New Years Eve as well and DONT forget to tell
him how MASSIVE his penis is!
No Monkey Love?Sometime after
the sex dad wants you to take the kids, the phone and all pets, except
the dog, FAR AWAY! He wont care where you go so long as it is not near
him. The only reason hell be needing your services is if he wants more
SEX. It might be best if you just drop the kids off at a day care
somewhere and invest in one of those walkie-talkie phones so he can
reach you if he needs something scratched. Write down day care and
walkie-talkie phones now. Before you leave you will put the toilet seat
in the proper upright position.
Next, dad wants to watch his
120-inch high-definition flat-screen television with surround-sound
stereo system and 100 disc DVD changer that you bought him, with your
own money. Put those on the list, somewhere after the Corvette &
the X Box. Hey, you expected him to spend at least a third of his
salary on a freakin engagement ring!
Hell be watching The
Natural, Bull Durham, Field of Dreams (TWICE!), The Great Escape,
Porkys I, II, & III, all five Rocky movies, a highlight reel where
anyone ranging from Olympia Dukakis to Julia Roberts or Jessica Tandy
DIES, and ANYTHING where buildings explode, Bruce Willis says,
motherfucker, Mel Brooks farts, & boobs bounce! Then he will watch
baseball.
A Classic!All of these viewing pleasures will be
enjoyed without having to answer your questions about the water bill,
yelling at the kids to stop touching each other, or taking out the
trash.
At some point you will be expected to come home and check the oil of your car. SEVERAL TIMES. Then more SEX.
If
you can't manage to find a place to store the kids, they will be
expected to provide dad with not only new fishing gear, but an entire
fishing weekend in Canada, complete with a brand new fiberglass boat,
motor, beer cooler, & large-breasted naked stripper bartenders to
serve the beer. The kids will also bear the responsibilities of baiting
the hooks and removing all captured fish from those hooks.
If
a gift of this kind cannot be given by the kids, porno, a Weber Grill,
or video games will be acceptable substitutes. Anything with kung-fu,
charcoal, or lesbians should suffice.
Finally, and this is very
important, Dad would like to listen to his Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd,
KISS, & The Who music as loud as he wants without the burden of
hearing about the ex-boyfriends you had that were SO into those bands
you cannot listen to them anymore. Hed like to play Bad Companys, Feel
Like Making Love and not have you roll your eyes & give a speech
about how the song is just about getting laid. In fact, what hed really
like is for you to blow him TO that song and when it is over you will
ask if hed like you to put on some ZZ Top next.
Now THATS a Fathers Day!
Or maybe you could just get him a Chia Pet.
"The Father's Day Trilogy" concludes HERE.
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