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The first Jewish Pope

 article about The first Jewish Pope
Bar Mitzvah boy, Hymie Klitmann, announces his conversion to Catholocism during his Bar Mitzvah speech. His mother has a stroke. His father, unimpressed, continues to sell life insurance to the guests.

Four decades later (30 years later) Father Klitman, of the Church of the Holy Bagel, is nominated to be Pip. I mean Dope. I mean Pope.

When nominated, Father Klitman asks, "Is there any good Italian food in Rome?"

He also asks, "If elected, do I get dental coverage? I've got an impacted molar."

The Nomination COmmittee looks puzzled. THey were told that Father Hymie was an intellectual.

They ask Father Klitman "Do you consider yourself an intellectual?"

Father Klitman says, "I'm not sure what an intellectual is, but if it's good......I'm it!"

Finally, flatulence rises over the Vatican. The results are in.....It is Pope Klitman.!!!

THe crowd outside the Vatican go wild. Finally a Pope who had a bar-mitzvah and circumcision like Jesus.

Pope Klitman has illusions of grandeur: He tries to walk on water like Jesus....on Lake Pip.

Word goes out: "The Pope will walk on Pip! Who, the Pip? No, the Pope. On Pip? Yes."

Pope Klitman is confident he can walk water, but he has slight doubts so he wears a life preserver, just in case.

The crowd roars as the Pope steps out onto the water from the pier.

There is a gasp as Pope Klitman disappears into the lake.

A fisherman throws in a net and pulls the Pope out, along with some sardines.

Pope Klitman says "I wasn't concentrating enough. I'll do it next week. Where's my hat?"

His wet vestments cling to his body. Italian women with facial hair, gaze at the Pope/s abdomen and below....and many faint at the outline of The Holiness' member. A few elderly ladies get aroused and have to say a couple of Hail Marys.

Back at the Vatican, a hair dryer is used to dry the Pope's hair. His toupee flies off.

That evening on Vatican TV channel 44, the new Pope makes his first declaration:

"I here by order that Mazoh Ball soup will be distributed throughout the land to all people of all races, creeds, colors, hues, nostrils, religions, genders and sexual orientations...

And I hereby declare that gays and lesbians can marry as long as the Vatican is paid to cater the wedding, and as long as there are fresh bagels and cream cheese, some chopped liver and a little Manischevitz."

It is a historic day in the Vatican City.!


Copyright Seymour N. Moore Lipschitz 2013


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