Dear Pastoral Search Committee: I would like to inquire about the
position of senior pastor you have available. This position sounds like
a tremendous career opportunity.
Though I would not normally apply for a position like this one, and
though I would be reluctant to call it fate, something special drew me
to your ad. Let me explain. Last Thursday, I was demonstrating outside
the Supreme Court. That was the day atheist Michael Newdow was arguing
his case before the nine Court Justices. Mr. Newdow is the man who
believes it is unconstitutional for the California school system to
require his daughter to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. He objects to
the the phrase "under God." During my lunch break I came across your ad
in the local religious newspaper. Normally I do not read religious
publications at lunch. In fact, it is highly unusual for me to read
anything while I am eating. But that day, for some mysterious reason, I
did. Looking back it almost seems like someone was ordering my life
behind the scenes -- if you know what I mean. I'd almost say it was
God.
Except for one thing. I am an atheist. Frankly, I began
reading your ad with my typical skepticism toward anything religious.
But as I reached the end of your ad, something startled me that really
took hold of my heart. It was the generousity of your church. I know
religious people like yourselves have a reputation for being generous,
so I suppose I should not have been surprised. But I guess the
ramifications of this concept had never taken hold of me until I
noticed the salary you are offering for senior pastor.
It far exceeds my current salary. That is pretty surprising when you
consider that I head up the second largest atheist organization on the
eastern seaboard. Obviously, I anticipate that we would have a few
theological differences to work out. But I have thought long and hard
about this, and I am convinced that we can resolve any areas of
disagreement. I suppose it will depend to some extent on how strongly
you hold to a belief in a literal God. But then again, I have always
felt that a wise person never lets his personal beliefs interfere with
a good career opportunity. Isn't it the Bible that says, "When in Rome,
do as the Romans do."?
A man would have to possess an awfully cold heart to remain untouched
by the generousity you are showing. I almost hestitate to mention
something else, but it is bound to come up sooner or later. I hope you
will find this as funny as I do. You almost certainly remember back in
the spring of 1997, when some college students disrupted one of your
Sunday morning services? After one man, wearing a rainbow-colored wig,
burst into your sanctuary and sprayed water everywhere with a miniature
water cannon, another young man splashed white paint all over the front
of the church. That second man was me. Did anyone ever let your
assistant pastor know that I did not intend to tear his suit coat?
Things just got a little more out of hand than I was expecting. I
understand the coat was brand new -- and it could not be repaired?
That is such a shame. And I hope the horrible names I called your choir
director were taken in the good-natured way I intended. Unfortunately,
I have to admit, I struggled with my attitude for quite some time, even
after my release from jail. But miraculously (in a manner of speaking)
the bitterness just melted away as I read your ad last Thursday. Isn't
life funny? I do have one question. Where is a good religious store in
the area? Though I am somewhat familiar with a handful of biblical
passages, it probably would be good for me to swing by and pick up a
copy of Cliff's Notes for The Bible.
Also, I could not tell from your ad when you plan to make a decision. I
hope it is no later than three weeks from now. We have another Pledge
of Allegiance demonstration scheduled around then, and I want to be
sure I know which group to stand with. Blessings (of a sort) to you
all. James Cudbeleve The Cheers, (c) Rob Favero
(http://pepe-day-2-day.blogspot.com), All rights reserved.
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