⇒ Front Page First: This should really be under the "Suggest Improvements" topic. ;)
Second: News satire was suggested in an earlier post. If you're not the same person suggesting it, then we'll chalk that up as TWO votes for more news satire and I'm sure someone will start working on fake news for future issues. Otherwise, The Onion is chock full of satire. LOL
Third: We try to do things differently around here in order to provide you a unique choice when doing your internet reading. So it follows that we'll try some new things from time to time. The rotating front page is actually an idea that a lot of the staffers like a lot. It brings more stories to the foreground and gives them a better chance at being read. It also provides a feeling whereas no story or author is more important or significant than any other. All our stories are important to us and showcased in such a manner. If more people stress a dislike for the idea I'm sure we'll change it.
Lastly: I agree that more staffers should participate in the forums. Maybe if more readers had things to say to us there's be more responses. Feel free to call us out in the other topics, discuss this week's articles, favorite authors, etc.
As for marketing and leadership...now you're starting to sound like a disgruntled staff member who is not only upset that his article hasn't rotated onto the front page, but is angry that more people aren't reading his work.
If you're just a regular guy wanting us to do well and you know a little something about marketing, I am certain there's a place for you on staff here if ya want the job!
Above all else, thanks for reading and taking the time to suggest a few improvements. As Gem said, this is only the first time out of the box with the new format so give it a little time to gel.
⇒ satire - Or are we thinking more Daily-Show type here? There's really two different types of satire when it comes to news... the totally fake (like The Onion) and the twisting around what is true (like the Daily Show).
⇒ THIS IS GREAT NEWS SATIRE!! You want news satire? Listen to Bush.... lol
HERE... taken from http://www.prettywitty.com--- SATIRE
When domestic violence enthusiast, David Havenner decided that beating his girlfriend with his fists just wasnt getting the job done, he swung a three-foot alligatorwhich was being kept in the couples bathtubat her. Havenner was sentenced to six months in jail for misdemeanor battery and possession of an alligator. He claims the fight began when his girlfriend bit his hand because they ran out of alcohol.
In other domestic violence news, a Florida woman not only suffered a beating at the hands of her boyfriend so severe that she was hospitalized for three days, she is now being emotionally battered by an idiotic prosecutor who is charging her with slapping her abuser.
Cynthia Williams, who was repeatedly beaten by Peter Lamb Reddy until her face was fractured in several places, slapped her boyfriend after police slapped him with handcuffs. Williams was charged with misdemeanor battery for the slap.
In a move that further terrorizes her, prosecutors had the unmitigated gall to drop the case against Williams boyfriend because she didnt want to be forced into incriminating herself by testifying against Reddy.
Williams turned down a plea bargain when prosecutors offered her one year of probation and battery counseling. She will stand trial next month and faces one year in jail.
I have only two words for the twelve citizens who will be forced to hear this inane case: jury nullification.
Sane Stalker to Stand Trial
A California judge ordered this week that Dawnette Knight, accused of stalking and making threats to Catherine Zeta-Jones, will stand trial. The 33-year-old Beverly Hills woman allegedly wrote dozens of letters to Michael Douglas, making threats against his wife such as we are going to slice her up like meat on a bone and feed her to the dogs.
Knights mental competency was called into question in late July after she overdosed on barbiturates. While Knight was declared legally sane enough to stand trial, this writer would suggest that the misguided stalkers professed love of Michael Douglas alone is enough to declare her insane. In fact, Catherine Zeta-Jones should probably be compelled to undergo a court-ordered psychiatric examination as well.
No Corpse Copulation in California
Someone has finally stepped up to the plate to address a rampant epidemic plaguing the state of California. In a move that will surely make dating in Los Angeles even more difficult, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed a law terminating necrophilia.
The legislation, which had not been acted on for two years, gained momentum this year after prosecutors were unable to convict one of my fellow San Franciscans who was found drunk in a funeral home on top of a corpse. Now, sex with the dead is a felony punishable by up to eight years in prison.
Love Is a Blind Eunuch
A Romanian mans love for his wife is so blind that he refused to press charges against her after she ripped off his testicles during an altercation. Aurica Marinescu, whose scrotum was re-attached during 10 hours of surgery, said that he didnt want to cause his passionate wife any trouble by pressing charges against her.
In related news, this columnist would like to invite Mrs. Marinescu over to handle her noisy upstairs neighbor.
The Sex Appeal Stops Here
Youre about to enter a no sexy zone: Playgirl magazine, apparently lacking hard-bodied and rock hard college boys to profile, has unveiled the winners of its sexiest newscaster poll. Topping the list were Keith Olbermann, Sean Hannity, and Anderson Cooper. Those lovingly blinded by Bill OReillys bald spot were unavailable for comment. Whos looking out for them?
Little Drinking Buddy
Eric Carneys daughter can really hold her liquor. When she was tested, her blood alcohol level was .14, almost twice the legal limit in New York State.
Too bad Carneys daughter is a toddler.
Carney, charged with child endangerment, claims he gave his two-year-old daughter a sip of beer at a friends house, and she apparently liked it so much that she drank more while he wasnt looking. Carney and the beer-guzzling baby are currently being separated by an order of protection.
Hair Heist
A $100 dare led to a Pennsylvania man being sentenced to 23 months of probation and a $500 fine. 25-year-old Paul J. Goudy pleaded guilty of ripping a mans hairpiece from his head while dining at the Fisaga restaurant in Harrisburg. The 60-year-old victim said, Dont these guys have anything better to do than to rob and humiliate someone for absolutely no reason in the world? Obviously not.
And apropos of piano envy: I only stumbled on his work because our last names are so similar, but I am currently addicted to British jazz artist Jamie Cullum. He may be relatively young, and have the appearance of a teenage pixie (so much so that I almost feel the need to register as a pedophile for being infatuated with him), but he croons like a man. Aside from being amazingly talented and cute as a button, Jamie has accomplished the impossiblethat being giving me the ability to sit through an entire Jeff Buckley song without contemplating the relative merits of slitting my wrists with a razor blade versus slitting my wrists with a kitchen knife. (I know its sacrilegious to many, but for me, most of Jeff Buckleys music has all the liveliness of a Latin funeral dirge.) He will be gracing San Francisco with his presence in a few weeks, and I can guarantee that panties will be thrown on stage. I dont know what it is about a mans ass bobbing up and down a piano bench that on second thought, I do know what it is....
Written by Kenya McCullum at 1:18 PM
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