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6) Paris Hilton

She can make Hustler’s top 10 and I wouldn’t say a word. However, in the real world, one must have a talent besides fucking and filming oneself doing it in order to be special. She makes herself out to be such a naïve little girl but look at all the guys she kicked it with in 2004. I am surprised her and Usher didn’t hook up and do a music video for Spice Channel. Oh wait a minute! She supposedly doesn’t like black men. Then again, a dick is a dick for her you know. You cannot justify this woman’s existence to me. She’s a model. Yeah, so what? There are many models out there that are smarter than she is and have a more advanced vocabulary than “that’s hot.” She wrote a book. Madonna wrote children books, too. She is releasing an album. I believe the world would want to hear nails on a chalkboard rather than her stupid voice. After all, many have heard her sing a song. It is a remake of Kiss’s Uh All Night, just there is no music and many squishy noises.



7) Oprah Winfrey

I know I can’t believe I am saying this, but Oprah is not that bad. She gave away all those cars, she lobbied against meat (that was a while ago though), she gets away with talking about sex explicitly on daytime TV, she gave away a house, and much, much more. I have watched her show a couple times this year and she is growing on me. However, I will not declare my devotion to the daytime diva until she buys me a car, or produces MJP as the first renegade show under the Harpo banner, he he he!

8) Michael Moore

As much as I can say that I appreciated Fahrenheit 9/11, I do not appreciate Michael Moore as a person. The man gave the impression that he was some kind of hero going to Iraq and talking to the soldiers about their thoughts on the war, when all along it was someone else’s film. He then went to France and told them he is ashamed to be an American. If you are so ashamed of being an American, move there you sonofabitch. Don’t sit here and tell us it is your patriotic duty as an American to make a movie that produces a powerful punch and wake up call to many 'uninformed' Americans and then go overseas and talk about how much our country sucks. It is OK to criticize government, not to talk about the country like that. Follow the Dixie Chicks lead and say your president, not your country, embarrasses you, jackass.

9) Donald Trump

No one brings more fun to the phrase “you’re fired” than Mr. Trump. I remember my first viewing of the Donald was at Wrestlemania IV at Trump Plaza in Atlantic City. I respect him immensely even though he didn’t get his marriage shit right. I wrote off The Apprentice as another shitty reality show until I met Bill Rancic. I thought he was a pretty cool guy, so I decided to start watching The Apprentice to cheer him on. Since then, it has become a guilty pleasure of mine. I feel that Trump putting his name on everything from ice cream to water is a little eccentric, but you cannot deny the brain of this man. He knows when to get into something at the right time and walk out a winner. One of my goals for 2005 is to read The Art of the Deal. He is someone I can learn something from.

10) Ken Jennings

How does this goofball make the list? He won a damn game show. So what? Many people have won shitloads of money on game shows. Remember the first millionaire on Who Wants to Be A Millionaire? Did he get a spot on Barbie’s list? This guy is such a nerd and I hate that weasel smile of his. I don’t know why I have so much animosity towards this man. I think it is because of the smile.

Honorable mention: Michael Jae

Barbara Walters didn’t mention Michael Jae because when Michael Jae is around her, she goes crazy inside. She sees a man in Michael Jae who terrifies her, so she can’t be in the same room with him. She sees herself in him - a person who asks the tough questions like she does. Most of all, she likes Michael Jae’s beautiful blue eyes. She can’t talk about him or she will go into an orgasmic frenzy just by the mere mention of his name. (More like a homicidal rage.)

Truth be told, I can’t hold a candle to BW when it comes to journalistic integrity. However, when it comes to telling it like it is, I’m the most fascinating person in 2004, and don’t any of you fucking forget it!

Your best friend,

MJ

Hope it was good for you.