In summary, if you really feel that your life is controlled by relationships you cannot escape, you will be very depressed and prone to addiction or relapse. Remember the old slogan: pay any price and go to any lengths to avoid relapse. Any lengths! No half measures, no compromises. Taking control of life may mean taking control of relationships by finding solutions, advice and resources. Control means change.

Sponsors and Sponsorship

Therapy groups often talk about sponsorship in self-help groups. Normally, of course, what happens in a Twelfth Step group is not talked about outside the group, but I think a general discussion of important topics is acceptable as long as we avoid names and personalities. The most frequent problem I heard was that a member would elect to not get a sponsor in the organization. They were not sure they needed one, they didn't know how to go about asking for one, or they didn't know what expect from a sponsor

Same sex sponsors

There is a general consensus that men should ask men to sponsor them and women should ask women. On balance, I think this is a good idea since patterns of addiction often seem different between men and women. Family and work problems are different to say nothing of temperament. You need someone you can feel comfortable with, someone you can trust, but not someone who is too lenient.

A sponsor is never a romantic target

 Leave attraction out of it. But, does this mean that a gay person should pick a straight person, or a person of the opposite physical sex? Some questions confuse your friendly shrink, except that a caring relationship, not a romantic relationship, is the goal. Let's not complicate what should be a simple thing. Leave sex out of it.

A sponsor is not a used car salesman

No buying, selling or swapping cars, houses, wives or other items. Leave money and materialistic things out of it.

A sponsor is not a convenience store

Don't pick a sponsor because he or she is convenient, as in a neighbor, a fellow worker, family member, or favorite dogcatcher. You're probably better off picking the toughest, meanest, and hard to find s.o.b. in the room. That way, getting hold of your sponsor will be a real accomplishment, especially if you call every day, as you should during the first months of recovery.

Don't mess up the relationship by asking a sponsor to give or get you a job. In fact, if you don't ask for any material favors; things will go better for both of you.