What to do about emotional pain

Talk about it with the right people. That act, in itself, may be the very last thing you'd ever want to do. Change takes courage. The right people will be little more than ears. They will be therapists, sponsors, or trusted friends who have been through similar experiences or who understand what you are going through. We don't want judgments or advice. We don't really need sympathy, although a little empathy will go a long way. If you can talk about your pain often enough to the right people, the pain will gradually lose its sting. You may learn to laugh at old situations that caused the pain, and eventually you may be able to dismiss it from your life. In addition, of course, working on those Twelve Steps will help.

Living in the Moment  

Many addicts in treatment express frustration when they are told to live one day at a time, to live in the present day and in the present moment. We often make ourselves miserable by going over the coulda/woulda/shoudas from the past, or stewing about the needa/gotta/ haveta's in the future. And so the joy of each passing moment is lost. Regret is not restitution and worry is neither preparation nor planning.

Using

Most addicts are quite ready to admit that using is a very here and now activity, and here lies whatever spiritual aspect there may be in destructive addiction. At least you can temporarily escape yesterday and tomorrow and live only in the moment. The trick will be to find equally compelling in the moment things that are productive and rewarding.

Cleaning

Cleaning the house compulsively is one thing many women and some men do to absorb energy and attention. Is cleaning an escape from depression or a deeply satisfying occupation? It is intrinsically rewarding if you are cleaning the surface of an old master's painting, or the surface of a living tooth. But, washing the car three times every week, or dusting every day - what are you running away from?

Driving

Just getting out of the house and driving around often helps a troubled person get back to living in the moment. Many addicted people love to go out and just drive hundreds of miles; the stimuli are always changing and one is absorbed in managing the vehicle.

Skill

Our skills can come to our aid if we have any. Can you play the violin, shoot baskets, sing in a group, weave on a loom, fly a plane, handle an angry customer, dance in a crowd? If you don't have any real skill, maybe it's time to go back to school. You can't do a real skill and be anywhere but there as you do it.

Whole body relaxation can be learned and it's rather easy to find a teacher. There are an endless number of books on the self-help shelves to study.

Meditation gets you into the moment, and there are plenty of teachers and books to help.  

Contemplative prayer works for some - not just asking for this and that, but learning to sit quietly and listen for answers.

Listening, in fact, works very well if you can learn not to rehearse what you want to say next or figure out how to attack, embarrass, quiz or out-smart the speaker while he/she is still speaking.

Judging the value of in an in-the-moment activity is easy. If you feel more depressed, anxious or discouraged when you are done with your task, you were probably just using it as an escape; give it up. If you feel refreshed, renewed and fulfilled when you are done with your task, it was most likely a healthy experience. Do it more often.

Bad hangovers are the result of addictive, in-the-moment experiences. Are there good, happy hangovers, do you suppose? Should one try to have a good hangover all the time? Can creative, compassionate living become addictive? Would that be bad?

Service

Service and Selfishness

A Twelve Step Program is a selfish program, but it is a program that helps by asking for service to others. Selfishness and service sometimes seem to be almost incompatible, and the meanings given to these words can be fuzzy. Helping others could be stressful and could create dangerous pressures to escape back to addiction if you fail to put realistic limits on what you do.

Learning when to serve, whom to serve and how to serve are essential parts of recovery. The question: what guidelines can you adopt so that you can set reasonable limits on service to others and, as a result, make life more manageable and you more resistant to relapse?