The end is near…figure of speech….you are at your gate. By the way that sinking feeling, bad choice of words, that you are feeling is your autonomy and independence leaving you. Once you get on their plane, they own you! The rookies think that this is their gate, but the pros know all too well that this is undisputedly the airline’s gate. They can change to another plane on a whim. They have no issue to load you on a plane with no departure expectation to open up “their” gate for another one of their planes.

At the gate, the pros check the departure time above the gate agent and then habitually check to see if there is a plane at the gate. No plane indicates an obvious delay. You know - no plane, no loading, …get my drift? Yet there are the rookies sitting contently in the gate area and not all curious as to why there are so many available seats. It apparently doesn’t occur to them that since there is NO PLANE…there is no reason to sit there!

I digress, lets assume that there is a plane at their gate. Lets also assume that you have a seat assignment. The airlines have devised a couple different methods of passenger loading, but you would have to LISTEN to the gate agent announcement to know what that method is!

You have loading back rows first and front later or by numerical group.

If your clue worthiness was evident to a rookie, you will be undoubtedly asked by a rookie who was supposed to be getting on the plane now. I think that the airlines need to re-define the definition of those passengers that require special assistance. How about something like if you are really old, really young, really slow, or not listening please join us now!

I often think, ok, loading passengers from the back of the plane to front makes sense. Then when I assess they should also load from the windows, middles and aisles in succession, I look around and start laughing…. only to be interrupted by some rookie who wants to know if they should get on now! If you want to pay a little less for airfare like Southwest, they let you stand in line by group before you get on the plane. This additional line trade-off is that you can pick your own seat. What a bonus!

Finally, we are told that the flight attendants are there for our safety first. That’s interesting since they are going to help us if we have an emergency yet they are not strong enough to help a grandmother hoist their roll-on into the overhead compartment. Safety is one thing, but observing the privileges afforded them their union is another. So just so I am clear, they are present primarily for our safety as long as it does not take any more physical prowess than is required to lift a bag above their heads!! Oh, give me an extra bag of six pretzels and I’ll be comforted.

The plane leaves and lands and now its time for more lines. We land…the symphony of clueholder’s cell phones all turn on…don’t get me started on cell phones…. and we taxi to the gate. The plane stops, the all-clear bell rings and people jump out of their seats like a boxer ready for the next round. They wanted a head start so that they could stand longer in their exit line.

We are almost there now. On to baggage claim ….a few head fakes and hurdles that Edwin Moses would be proud of and I am standing by the bag carousel. This baggage carousel, like the moving sidewalk, is not the place to feel better about the collective intelligence of the masses. The anxiety of whether their bag will mystically rejoin them is only diminished by their mind-numbing lack of understanding of how the carousel works. I have seen rookies stand on the wrong side of where the bag gets on the carousel and they just stand there, an apparent trained behavior perhaps from the moving sidewalk, and wait for their bag to come around to meet them!

Is traveling glamorous? Clearly it is not. The rookies, through not fault of their own (as far as they know), are annoying to those of us self-proclaimed Pros. Yet, how smart can we be when in return for our many frustrating trips, we accept airline incentives like a bunch of sheep to do what …travel free. Free? Yeah, free of sanity, free of relaxation, and mostly free of clues.