The reason behind my exclusion of crushes and exes on my (and your) list is actually quite simple to explain. If you like, or have liked, a girl whose name is the focus of a rock song, you will automatically give some sort of attention to that track. Like it or loathe it, it has an effect on you, and then automatically becomes memorable. So for a song to crack our lists, it will need to create some sort of emotional response without an association with one of our many exes, none of which, by the way, currently live in Texas.

If you recall from my last article, I am strongly against ranking and comparing music; so whenever I create my “lists” they will be “listed” but not “ranked.” So in no particular order, here we go:

#5) “Angie” by The Rolling Stones

This song is so good that it makes me want to date, or even like, a girl named Angie so that I can “see (her) eyes” “everywhere I look.” I am by no means a Wilt Chamberlain, but I have dated or, more accurately, liked my share of ladies. However, none of them have been named Angie. What are the odds? Am I the only person to have never liked an Angie? That’s hard to believe. Anyway, if your girlfriend is named Angie and she has never heard this classic Stones track, I suggest you remedy that.

#4) “Sarah” by Starship

I have never dated a girl named Sarah either. We all know a hot girl named Sarah, yes, but have you ever actually gotten to know that special Sarah in your life? My agent Master P knew a girl named Sarah, but she ended up being a psycho. But before she turned into one of the many ladies who have issues from ex-boyfriends to deal with, it was always fun to bust his balls by singing or playing that song in the car, over the phone, and in quiet public places. (And by the way P, if I ever end up liking a Sarah, you can return the favor.) However, if I ever date a Sarah, then that means I would have to change my list, and that would be quite a hassle. Hmmm. Anyway, that song is one of those ‘80’s flashback songs that I always enjoy singing at the top of my lungs at an Applebees while enjoying the happy-hour appetizers.

#3) “Layla,” “Lyla,” and “Lola” by Derek and the Dominoes, Oasis, and The Kinks, respectively.

I have dated and/or known ladies named Kayla, Kyla, and Kalee, but luckily, for the sake of this list, none of those names start with “L.” While “Layla” jumps of with arguably THE best opening to any song ever, it also closes with an under appreciated piano phase that, unfortunately, gets cut off by most commercial radio stations. And while “Lyla” is one of the best Oasis songs in like 8 years, “Lola” deserves a column of its own. It makes me want to check out the night life in Old SoHo. It makes me want to drink Champagne that tastes like cherry cola (c-o-la cola). It DOES NOT, however, make me want to dance with a cross dresser. But that song is a fine reminder that it’s a mixed up, mumbled up, shook up world.

#2) “Maggie May” by Rod Stewart

My next column is dedicated to the complex predicament of this song. Yes, that’s called a teaser, but no, I have no insight as to what happens to Maggie May after the conclusion of the song.

#1) “Oh Sherrie” by Steve Perry

OK, so I broke the rules. This song has an “Oh” in front of the girl’s name, and I specifically said that that was a no-no. However, it’s fun to break a few rules now and then. This Journey-esque tune is always fun to rock out to. Whether it’s in the shower, in a traffic jam, or at the dentists office while getting your teeth cleaned, this song defines the post-Journey Steve Perry experience. And although one of the coolest people I have ever met was named Sherrie, our friendship (or lack of?) allows this song to complete my list. The song and the girl always make me laugh, and even though the girl has threatened to beat my ass a few times, the song will always be a little less violent, but not as interesting. However, cheesy soft-rock, by definition, is not supposed to be all that fascinating. But hopefully, for your sake, this list was.

So I hope all of you lovesick rockers out there can work things out with your significant other. Ladies, if you need a list of “guy” songs, let me know. That will be much easier to make, well, at least as far as elimination of exes is concerned. THERE ARE NO SONGS ineligible for that list, that’s what I’m saying. So until next time, I’ll be laying low in Texas…or Old Soho.