More from author
-	Confessions of an Ad-man XII: Consumers in Search of Service
-	Confessions of an Ad-man XI: More Dueling With Mother Nature
-	Confessions of an Ad-Man X
-	Confessions of an Ad-Man IX
-	Confessions of an Ad-Man VII: Commercial ends up in the air instead of on the air

See news about

activism AKP Al Yamamah alcoholism treatment Angelina Jolie BAE Systems Bill Murray bizarre news BRIT Awards Buick car crash Celebrity Commonwealth Bank Series Cricket Demi Moore extradition formula one France Gambhir genocide geri Halliwell headlines single Health Care Commission Heather Mills Hutu Hyperinflation Impeachment James Earl Katie Holmes Kylie Minogue Mika military tribunal MRSA Mugabe music Pakistan Pakistan Tour Paris Hilton Politics Ponting Prince Harry and Chelsy Rod Stewart Saudi Arabia SCG Secularists security Serious Fraud Office Sienna Miller Stockholm Syndrome Symonds terrorism The Huff Tim Burton Tutsi usic Victoria Beckham Victoria Beckham nude Yves Leterme00710 Worst Nude Film Scenes2nd amendment50 Cent50-Centa-teamA-Team movieABBAAbbie CornishAbi TitmussAbigail BreslinAcademy AwardsaccidentsAdam SandleraddictionsAdeleAdnan GhalibAfghanistanAfton SmithAgyness DeynAir IndiaAishwarya RaiAl GoreAl Pacinoal QaedaAl-QaedaAlan ArkinAlan RickmanAlanis MorisseteAlanis MorissetteAlbert Einsteinalcoholalcohol addictionalcoholismAlec BaldwinAlesha DixonAlex TurnerAlexandriaAli CampbellAli LarterAlicia KeysAlicia SilverstoneAllahAlli SimsAmanda HoldenAmanda PeetAmanda SeyfriedAmazonAmelle BerrabahAmerican IdolAmerican PieAmy AdamsAmy RyanAmy WinehouseAmy Winehouse is planning a massive Christmas bingAnatole TaubmannAndhraAndrew MortonAndy HilfigerAndy SerkisAng LeeAngela MerkelAngelina Jolieanimal rightsAnjelica HustonAnna NicoleAnna Nicole SmithAnne HathawayAnnie LennoxAnthony HopkinsAnthony MinghellaAnti-IconAntonio BanderasAppleArctic MonkeysAretha FranklinAri SandelArmaniArnieArnold SchwarzeneggerArpad BussonAshantiAshely TisdaleAshlee SimpsonAshley ColeAshley JuddAshley OlsenAshley TisdaleAshton KutcherAsif Ali ZardariAsley OlsenAssamastronautAtonementAtonement\'Audrey HepburnAustraliaAvril LavigneAyda FieldBabelbabyBackstairs BillyBackstreet Boysbad influencesBaftaBaghdadBalticBangladeshBar RafaeliBar RefaeliBarack ObamaBarry ManilowBasraBattlestar GalacticaBBCBeatlesbeauty pageantBeckhambecome news reporterBeethovenBelgiumBen AffleckBenazirBenazir assassinationBenazir BhuttoBenazir Bhutto assassinationBenazir Bhutto photosBenazir Bhutto stampsBenazir Bhutto willBenezir Bhutto assassinationBeowulfBernardo BertolucciBest ActressBest Dressed in 2007best haircutbest motorcycle movie momentsbest moviesBeth DittoBethlehemBette MidlerBeverly Hills 90210BeyonceBeyoncé KnowlesBeyonc¨¦ KnowlesBilawal ZardarBilawal ZardariBill GatesBillie PiperBillionaireBilly JoelBilly Zanebinge drinkingBipasha Basubird fluBismarckBizarre NewsBjorkBlack CrowesBlack Eyed PeasBlake FielderBlake Fielder CivilBlake Fielder-CivilBlaze Media ProblogbloggerbloggingBlurBMWBo DerekBob DylanBobby BrownBollywoodbombBon JoviBondBond 22Bond girlBond girlsBonoBoratBotoxBoy GeorgeBrad PittBrad RenfroBrainBrandon RouthBrandyBrazilbrazil prisonbread thievesBrendan FraserBrian MayBrian McFaddenBrian WilliamsBridget JonesBridget MoynahanBRIT AwardsBritish royal familyBritish Secret IntelligenceBritney SpearBritney SpearsBritney Spears adoptionBritney Spears body doubleBritney Spears lawyerBritney Spears psychological evaluationBritsBrittany MurphyBrooke ShieldsBruce LeeBruce SpringsteenBruce WillisBruneiBryan AdamsBuckingham Palacebulletproof vestBushBusta RhymesCairoCalista FlockhartCalvin KleinCameron DiazCameron MackintosCamila AlvesCamillaCanadaCanada¡¯s Juno AwardscancercannabisCannesCannes Film FestivalCapri Hollywood Film FestivalCarey HartCarla Bruni-SarkozyCarmen ElectraCarmit BacharCaroline KennedyCarrie UnderwoodCasablancaCasey AffleckCasey AldridgeCash WarrenCasio keyboard

 

Quantitative research is done by mail, telephone or in person. No matter which of these techniques is used, it is extremely annoying to the respondent. Thousands of people are surveyed. The results however, as plainly stated by the research companies, are accurate to within plus or minus 5%, 99 times out of 100 divided by the square root of infinity and multiplied the number of your birth month. Hard to beat that.

Qualitative research is another matter. It doesn’t involve nearly as many people so it has some major advantages. You don’t have to hire a bunch of high school students with IQs equal to their shoe sizes to annoy thousands of “respondents.” You don’t have to “cross tab” the results. I still don’t know the meaning of the term “cross tab” but it’s something university people do that generates approximately forty pounds of computer paper covered in numbers which research analysts look at for many billable hours. Every so often they say things like, “Aha.” and “Hmmmm.” This is known as analyzing the cross tabs.

Qualitative research is done by a couple of different methods. You can ask Shirley in accounts payable or you can assemble a “Focus Group.” A focus group is a bunch of people, usually slightly smaller than a jury. These people are locked in a room, given a sheet of questions about the prominently displayed product and then starved and deprived of breathable air until they come up with the answers you want.

I had a friend named Melvin, now deceased, who once told me that two focus groups he ran came up with identical results. After viewing a television commercial several hundred times, the groups each arrived at a consensus that the most important word in the commercial was “and.” Shirley in payables was far more succinct. She watched it once and said, “It really sucks, you know?”

The agency, when it undertakes a research project, has to choose which type of research will be more meaningful to the client. This determination is made by the head of the accounting department, who decides, after exhaustive number crunching, which method will allow the agency to keep more of the research budget.

One of these days I must do a column about Melvin. You would have liked him in spite of the unusual circumstances surrounding his death and the ultimate failure of his lifelong quest to obtain a copyright for the word “and.”