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All you need to do now is sit down, relax, make sure your seat is in the upright position and enjoy my guide to the world - as I saw it!

BELGIUM : "Why Is That Waiter Sticking His Tongue Out?"

The words ‘boring’ and ‘Belgium’ go hand in hand if you ask me. When I decided to write about the countries I’d worked in the obvious thing to me was to do it alphabetically. Unfortunately it means I’m going to bore the pants off you with my adventures, or lack of them, in boring Belgium. Trust me, the other countries I recall get better once you manage to read past this one, which by the way I’m keeping short and sweet because there’s not much to say about the place really. I mean the chocolate is nice, bloody nice actually. It’s a bit expensive for my liking though, but no other country can produce it as good, and satisfy the appetite of any would-be chocoholic than the Belgian variety.

I went to Belgium three times, the first being the longest period of all, albeit only two weeks, but two weeks which included my birthday. The night was spent with a colleague who’d travelled with me. The two of us were sat inside this pub full of peanuts, the ones you pop open and discard the shell - monkey nuts I call them. It’s a great gimmick if you want my opinion. There we were drinking ridiculously strong lager in a dark dingy pub full of beer barrels containing monkey nuts, free for all. I tell you what, if I’d been on my own, I’d have eaten there every night. For the cost of a few drinks I’d have saved a fortune, or better still I could’ve popped in, stuffing handfuls into every orifice I could find on me and gone back to the hotel feasting for free on monkey nuts and water!

But I was with a colleague and I guess he wouldn’t appreciate my extreme survival habits in order to bring home a little bit extra dough. Instead we’d sit in the hotel restaurant each night, unless we got lucky and were taken out to eat by our hosts, which meant my cash stayed firmly inside my wallet. The moths were safe and could continue breeding!

My birthday however was a rather depressing one I suppose. It was a time when I was young enough to be out drinking like there was no tomorrow with my mates – the days before I was married and before the kids came along. Being in another country meant I was to all intense and purpose, celebrating by myself – all quite sad really!

I was in Belgium to get trained on the computer system that would set me off on my worldwide travels. My colleague was learning the same system and would be doing the same job, though we’d never travel together. Computer system installations are as I’ve said in this particular case, a one-man job, and I’d learn in time that boredom and loneliness would become the norm.

The people who looked after us, put us up in a nice clean hotel. It even had BBC television, which was great at the time as I spent the first Sunday afternoon glued to it watching Newcastle United lose in the F. A. Cup - most satisfying - I’m a Sunderland supporter you see (though I won’t bore you too much with my passion for the ‘red and white cause’ - for that you can read my ‘autobiography’ titled ‘Why Do I Do It?’ - assuming you can find anyone brave enough or daft enough to stock it).

My colleague wasn’t a Sunderland supporter. He wasn’t really a football fan, but took interest because he knew of my ‘addiction.’ We had little in common really apart from having the same job title. I was in my early twenties; he was fast approaching forty. In fact one night he worked out he was old enough to be my father. Fair enough then ‘Dad’ I kept calling him as we sat in the restaurant each night, me studying the price list first before choosing what to eat.

The first night we sat down I remember the waiter trying to tell us what the ‘special of the day’ was - and I thought everyone in Belgium spoke English! Anyway he started to make ‘mooing’ noises so we thought straight away, a nice juicy steak (with some chips and ketchup please).

It came out swimming in some sauce, hiding all of the meat, but it smelt good and although very soft tasted good as well. The waiter came back waffling away, obviously asking us if we were enjoying our meal - making the mooing noises again, but this time sticking his tongue out.