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In the last few weeks I've seen more and more airplanes have "issues". Airplanes seem to be going down more often now than Traci Lords ever did. We see engines falling off, birds getting caught in engines, landing gear not working properly, pilots landing at the wrong airports, pilots landing in buildings, pilots crashing into fields... it scares theshit out me!

It's no secret to those who know me: I'm petrified to fly. I need a bottle of scotch in me just to get to the airport. If I have to travel less than 500 miles, I'll drive; hell, I'd rather have darts thrown at my balls! To me, flying is like challenging the dealer in Blackjack by telling him to hit you when you have 19; I don't like the chances so I avoid it as much as possible.

A few weeks ago I'm on a flight from L.A. to Chicago and I was sitting next to this dear, sweet lady. She could tell I was nervous because I was shaking and rattling like a person who had had entirely too much Red Bull for their own good. So the lady asks me, "are you ok?" I say to her, "Yes, I'm fine... I'm just scared to fly. I'll be alright."

Now when you tell people that you're afraid to fly they always tell you the same thing: "It's safer to fly than it is to drive" or "There's more accidents with cars than there are with planes" or some other bullshit that's supposed to ease your fears. Still, you know what? The one thing they never tell you is that THE SURVIVAL RATE OF A HUMAN BEING CRASHING INTO THE GROUND FROM 30,000 FEET IS ZERO! No one ever wants to mention that one - God forbid should we inject reality into it!

Still, this lady? She was like the oracle of wisdom. She had told me something I didn't never know. She said, "not to worry, if we go down, we actually have a heart attack and die, before we hit the ground." That's comforting to know. I was wondering how one would come to know that in the first place?

I don't know if I feel any better knowing what she had told me, but one thing I did know is this: If we're going down... she was going down too - ON ME! Hell, if that's the way it's going end for me, I'm going first-class. I don't care who's sitting next to me.

You Ring, I Bring.

You Ring, I Bring.