Transcript Of A Person Who Really Hates Christopher Columbus

Article by Brie Stimson
Writer

The following conversation took place between 4:43 and 4:44 pm at a bus stop between a probably insane person and someone who did not want to hear his crazy rant. Why has this conversation been transcribed? Because we at the Union of Transcribers of America don't have a lot of things to transcribe anymore so we get bored and we run around town transcribing random conversations. What?!

LUNATIC MAN:
Why the hell does Columbus get a holiday? What? He discovered America? Hey, Columbus, you bastard, did you realize America was already discovered by the people living there. It's didn't need discovering! And in case it did, guess what? The Norwegians got there first. What is wrong with us that we give him a holiday? What about Sir Isaac Newton? Where's his day? Where's his day?

Then he killed all the people living there by infecting them

He wrote about universal gravitation and created the three laws of motion. Shouldn't Isaac Newton have a day?? Who hated Isaac Newton so much that they kept his day away from him?! What did Columbus do? He lost his way, landed on the opposite end of the earth he was looking for and pretended he'd reached his destination by renaming the place the West Indies. Then he killed all the people living there by infecting them. I will never understand why this horrible, unaccomplished man has a day in his honor. What are we supposed to do? Contemplate what an asshole he was! As God is my witness, I will not rest until Christopher Columbus is dead!

UNFORTUNATE PERSON WHO HAS TO WAIT FOR THE BUS TO TAKE HIS WIFE'S CAT ACROSS TOWN TO THE VET. WHY CAN'T THEY GO TO A VET THAT'S CLOSER? OH WELL:
Christopher Columbus is dead.

LUNATIC MAN:
Oh. Well, then I can rest.

That's the entire transcription. What? Not enough for you? You thought it was disjointed? Well, I showed you this as a favor! You should be thankful you even saw it! I don't know what happened next, okay? I heard the ice cream man on the next block and I have a strange, almost unstoppable addiction to vanilla and chocolate swirl.

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