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Professor Nutbottom:

I truly have a terribly vexing problem that persists in bothering me horribly. I hope you can help me. The other day I needed to talk, so I invited my very best friend to lunch. In earnest I started to tell her my highly unusual situation, but before I got even a smidgen of my strangely complex story out on the table, she completely turned things around to talk about herself. Before I knew it, we were having a surfacy chit-chat about the incredibly minute issues going on between her boyfriend and her parents. This happens absolutely all the time with her. Whenever we talk, she always steers the conversation fully and totally to her "stuff." What should I do?

Dear Paula:

Prof. Nutbottom

Totally ironically and completely coincidentally I had something very similar happen just last week. You won't believe what happened to me.

Several years ago I got involved in this unusual land deal. I had only been a professor here at Ivy Leaf University for a little over a month, when I met a land speculator named Wally. We met while standing in line to register for a collectible bottle cap convention. Wally was a well-dressed, very likeable fellow.

While we chatted about our favorite bottle caps (mine is the 1947 Coke special edition and his is the Burma "shaving cream in a bottle" classic), Wally mentioned some property he had recently purchased in Florida for practically nothing.

I said, "Oh, let me guess. It's swampland. And you've got some you could sell me."

Wally looked me in the eye and said, "How did you know?"

Well, I'll tell you, I let Wally know in no uncertain terms that I had no interest in such flim-flam. While alligators and snakes and humidity and mud probably appeal to some folks, these things hold no fascination for me.

That's when Wally let me in on a little secret. His swampland was no longer swampland. It was beautiful dry ground on which he had built a gorgeous house. He showed me pictures to prove it.

BeforeAnd a secret invention by some Wisconsin scientists had made this all possible.

Wally couldn't give me a lot of details, because he was sworn to secrecy, but the scientists had developed a special machine that somehow could alter the kinetic potential of the quantum mechanics of virtual matter and make swampland into "Land From Eden." I still remember how Wally's eyes sparkled when he said "Land From Eden."

Well, I'm no one's fool. There was no way I was going to make the mistake of a lifetime. I said to Wally, "This is unbelievable. How do I get in on the action?"

Imagine someone like me falling into this kind of luck.

After

A couple days later I had a $25,000 loan and a certified check out to Wally. Within a week I received the land title to my soon-to-be prime piece of Everglade dreamland.

Really.

Unfortunately, it wasn't long after that when my luck took a trip south.

Firstly, the land-converting machine developed a malfunction, and the only company that could provide a replacement part -- a phase-inducing, anti-matter, electron stereoscope -- was in Iraq. There were none in stock, and it would take a few months to manufacture one.

Secondly, Wally and his scientist friends were indicted for some type of questionable business dealings. Wally assured me that the legal issues had nothing to do with the land deal but that the scientists were fighting to protect their rights to their secret technology. The ensuing court case has kept those guys distracted for quite some time. Fortunately, Wally keeps assuring me that he and his scientist friends haven't forgotten me. And I guess the $15,000 loan I gave them six months ago has really helped them with their legal battles.

Thirdly, I found out that the laws concerning the Everglades dramatically restrict one's ability to build structures on land there. When I asked Wally about this, he assured me that his scientist friends were very close to inventing a new device that turns bureaucratic red tape into fertilizer (though he used a less flattering description).

I had been dealing emotionally with all this bad luck pretty well, until last week. Then, something snapped for me. I'm not really sure why.

Maybe it was getting my eighth annual property tax bill from the state of Florida for $37.42. That's a slap in the face, let me tell you.

Maybe it was the realization that I'm getting older and I'm still waiting to build my dream vacation home in Eden. There's no way to recover those lost years.

Maybe it was the letter from Wally saying that his latest hearing hadn't gone so well and he had been denied parole. Did I forget to mention that Wally and his friends ended up in jail?

Anyway, I needed to talk. So I wandered into the office of one of my colleagues and just started baring my soul. I only had related a small part of my story, when my colleague, who is normally a very quiet, reserved person, started convulsing uncontrollably with laughter. It caused quite a disruption in the department, and soon his office was full of people trying to calm him down.

So what I had hoped would be my chance to work through some of my emotional distress somehow got all turned around into something about him.

Really.

Do you know how I felt? I'll tell you what. It was a really bad feeling. You probably can't even begin to imagine it.

But I must say, I'm really glad you raised this issue. I'm feeling much better now that I've been able to address your question. I hope it has been as helpful to you as it has been for me.

And one last thing. Try to be patient with your friend and tell her this for me: I hope things get resolved between her boyfriend and her parents real soon.

Kapish?

Professor Nutbottom is a Senior Fellow Professor of American Culture at Ivy Leaf University in Urnotserse, PA. He enjoys reading, skiing, and sorting antique bottle caps. You can learn more about his creator by visiting http://pepe-day-2-day.blogspot.com.

The Cheers, (c) Rob Favero, All rights reserved.

Photos copyright (c) 2004 Rob Favero and his licensors. All rights reserved.