Machine: Hey, it’s Jesus. You know what to do. *beep*

Hey Jesus, it’s Moses. Are we still playing racquet ball on Saturday? You haven’t called me so I wasn’t sure. Hey whatever happened to your old message? It was funny. I liked that. Anyway, get back to me. *beep*

Jesus? Is this you? This is your mother. Are you screening? Jesus? I know you’re home. I just talked to Abraham and he said he just saw you at your house an hour ago. Anyway the Sampsons want to have dinner on Saturday. And you’re going to make it this time. No ‘I have to visit a sick kid in the hospital.’ Okay? Okay?? *beep*

Hi, is this Dave? I’m trying to find your house but I’m lost. Call me back. *beep*

Jesus, it’s Pontius. You know, Pontius Pilate? Hey, it’s been awhile, I know, but I was in town and I thought maybe we could have a beer or something. *beep*

Dave, I’m heading into the woods. This doesn’t seem right. And it’s starting to get dark. *beep*

Hi, it’s Mohammed. I’m sure you noticed another war started. Look, those guys who said they were doing it in my name…I totally don’t know them…kay? I just wanted to make sure everything was cool. Kay, bye. *beep*

Jesus, this is your mother again! I am not going to keep talking to an answering machine. You can walk on water and turn it into wine but you can’t answer your own damn telephone! I am going to tell your father about this. When he hears you’re not answering me he’ll come over and give you a piece of his mind! *beep*

Dave, why aren’t you answering the phone! I’m definitely lost in the woods now. Oh my god! What was that?! *beep*

Mr. Christ, this is Jeff Saunders at Camp Chevrolet. We just finished with your vanity license plate, but one of my subordinates spelled messiah with only one ‘s’ so we’ll have to keep it in the shop a few more days. I sincerely apologize for this inconvenience, and we’ll try to get it to you as soon as possible. Bye. *beep*

Jesus? This is Judas. Um…I just wanted to talk. I think you know what it’s about. Look, I was in a weird place back then…um…my business was doing poorly, and my wife and I were having problems. So look I just wanted to apologize. I thought maybe I could buy you lunch and we could talk over the whole thing. I hope you call me back. Um I’m staying at the Holiday Inn that’s down the street from the halo shining shop if you want to get a hold of me. Ok, bye. *beep*

Hi, Mr. Christ, this is Becky from Dr. Steven’s office. I’m just calling to confirm your dental cleaning for next week. It seems you cancelled your appointment last time because you had to “keep the devil from harvesting someone’s soul.” That was fine, and we here at Dr. Steven’s office understand that situations arise where you might need to cancel an appointment. It’s just that you didn’t give us 24 hours notice which is kind of our policy. So, just next time it’d be great if you could give us a little more warning. We would really appreciate that, kay? Great. We just don’t like to waste the doctor’s time or yours, Mr. Christ. Okay, I hope to see you next week. Bye. *beep*

Hello, Mr. Christ, is it? This is Mr. Cross from Ethereal Publishing. We’ve looked over your book and I’m sorry to say it doesn’t meet our needs at this time. A lot of your stories are just a bit overly dramatic for our taste, but thank you for your interest with our company. *beep*

Jesus, this is your mother again. You know I just found a gray hair this morning. This is what you’re doing to me! I’m sure you don’t care. It’s all ‘save a starving child’ this and ‘produce a miracle’ that. What about me? You’d better call me back Jesus Melvin Christ or I am coming over to your house, mister!*beep*