More from author
-	This one time, at band camp...
-	A Look at Anorexia
-	The Real Story Behind Cutting
-	Music Education Deserves an A+
-	Labor Abuse Runs Rampant Among Nike's Factories

See news about

activism AKP Al Yamamah alcoholism treatment Angelina Jolie BAE Systems Bill Murray bizarre news BRIT Awards Buick car crash Celebrity Commonwealth Bank Series Cricket Demi Moore extradition formula one France Gambhir genocide geri Halliwell headlines single Health Care Commission Heather Mills Hutu Hyperinflation Impeachment James Earl Katie Holmes Kylie Minogue Mika military tribunal MRSA Mugabe music Pakistan Pakistan Tour Paris Hilton Politics Ponting Prince Harry and Chelsy Rod Stewart Saudi Arabia SCG Secularists security Serious Fraud Office Sienna Miller Stockholm Syndrome Symonds terrorism The Huff Tim Burton Tutsi usic Victoria Beckham Victoria Beckham nude Yves Leterme00710 Worst Nude Film Scenes2nd amendment50 Cent50-Centa-teamA-Team movieABBAAbbie CornishAbi TitmussAbigail BreslinAcademy AwardsaccidentsAdam SandleraddictionsAdeleAdnan GhalibAfghanistanAfton SmithAgyness DeynAir IndiaAishwarya RaiAl GoreAl Pacinoal QaedaAl-QaedaAlan ArkinAlan RickmanAlanis MorisseteAlanis MorissetteAlbert Einsteinalcoholalcohol addictionalcoholismAlec BaldwinAlesha DixonAlex TurnerAlexandriaAli CampbellAli LarterAlicia KeysAlicia SilverstoneAllahAlli SimsAmanda HoldenAmanda PeetAmanda SeyfriedAmazonAmelle BerrabahAmerican IdolAmerican PieAmy AdamsAmy RyanAmy WinehouseAmy Winehouse is planning a massive Christmas bingAnatole TaubmannAndhraAndrew MortonAndy HilfigerAndy SerkisAng LeeAngela MerkelAngelina Jolieanimal rightsAnjelica HustonAnna NicoleAnna Nicole SmithAnne HathawayAnnie LennoxAnthony HopkinsAnthony MinghellaAnti-IconAntonio BanderasAppleArctic MonkeysAretha FranklinAri SandelArmaniArnieArnold SchwarzeneggerArpad BussonAshantiAshely TisdaleAshlee SimpsonAshley ColeAshley JuddAshley OlsenAshley TisdaleAshton KutcherAsif Ali ZardariAsley OlsenAssamastronautAtonementAtonement\'Audrey HepburnAustraliaAvril LavigneAyda FieldBabelbabyBackstairs BillyBackstreet Boysbad influencesBaftaBaghdadBalticBangladeshBar RafaeliBar RefaeliBarack ObamaBarry ManilowBasraBattlestar GalacticaBBCBeatlesbeauty pageantBeckhambecome news reporterBeethovenBelgiumBen AffleckBenazirBenazir assassinationBenazir BhuttoBenazir Bhutto assassinationBenazir Bhutto photosBenazir Bhutto stampsBenazir Bhutto willBenezir Bhutto assassinationBeowulfBernardo BertolucciBest ActressBest Dressed in 2007best haircutbest motorcycle movie momentsbest moviesBeth DittoBethlehemBette MidlerBeverly Hills 90210BeyonceBeyoncé KnowlesBeyonc¨¦ KnowlesBilawal ZardarBilawal ZardariBill GatesBillie PiperBillionaireBilly JoelBilly Zanebinge drinkingBipasha Basubird fluBismarckBizarre NewsBjorkBlack CrowesBlack Eyed PeasBlake FielderBlake Fielder CivilBlake Fielder-CivilBlaze Media ProblogbloggerbloggingBlurBMWBo DerekBob DylanBobby BrownBollywoodbombBon JoviBondBond 22Bond girlBond girlsBonoBoratBotoxBoy GeorgeBrad PittBrad RenfroBrainBrandon RouthBrandyBrazilbrazil prisonbread thievesBrendan FraserBrian MayBrian McFaddenBrian WilliamsBridget JonesBridget MoynahanBRIT AwardsBritish royal familyBritish Secret IntelligenceBritney SpearBritney SpearsBritney Spears adoptionBritney Spears body doubleBritney Spears lawyerBritney Spears psychological evaluationBritsBrittany MurphyBrooke ShieldsBruce LeeBruce SpringsteenBruce WillisBruneiBryan AdamsBuckingham Palacebulletproof vestBushBusta RhymesCairoCalista FlockhartCalvin KleinCameron DiazCameron MackintosCamila AlvesCamillaCanadaCanada¡¯s Juno AwardscancercannabisCannesCannes Film FestivalCapri Hollywood Film FestivalCarey HartCarla Bruni-SarkozyCarmen ElectraCarmit BacharCaroline KennedyCarrie UnderwoodCasablancaCasey AffleckCasey AldridgeCash WarrenCasio keyboard

 

Before I begin, I would like to give you a brief look into my history of self-abuse.  My self-abuse began in 7th grade, following the onset of what was later diagnosed as clinical depression. 

 

I cut myself with razors, needles, safety pins, or anything that was available.  I recall running into the girls' bathroom after a particularly hard day at school and rubbing my wrists on the edge of the paper towel dispenser until they began to bleed. 

 

I would spray hairspray into my cuts to prevent them from healing, and when I couldn't cut, I would pick at my old scars to make them bleed again.  No one knew about my cutting save for my best friend, who also cut herself.  I would cut myself mostly in places that people couldn't see, like my stomach and inner thighs.  I recovered from my depression after a not-so-brief stay in what my friends and I fondly refer to as the "psych ward" of the local hospital, but I continued to cut myself.  After 3 years, I was finally able to let go of what I had come think of as my own addiction- a drug that helped me deal with all the pain I was feeling.  I am proud to say that it has now been almost a year since I've cut myself.  Here is a closer look into the mind and body of a cutter.

 

Have you ever been afraid of yourself?  I mean, really, truly afraid?  Like, theres this amazingly powerful feeling welling up inside of you, and the more you try to suppress it, the more it pushes its way out.  And youre so afraid that everything youve been hiding and keeping inside is just going to come pouring out, and part of you wishes you could just let go, but part of you is intent on keeping everything hidden.

 

Thats how it is when I cut myself.  Part of me is relieved to finally let it all out, and that part feels only joy as the blood slowly works its way to the surface of the skin one drop at a time.  But another part of me feels the pain, and that part is afraid.  That part is the part that makes my hand shake as the razor finds its way around my wrist, and its the part that wants to vomit when the blood drops to from my wrist to the floor, almost in slow motion.

 

Its like there are two different people watching this happen, and Im not even doing the cutting at all, just watching it.  And one person smiles, wider and wider as the razor digs deeper and deeper.  But the other person only keeps looking because shes frozen in fear at whats happening.  And the images haunt her in her dreams- chasing her until she collapses, victim to the self-mutilation.  And its when this part of her collapses that the cutting starts again, because shes too weak to fight it. 

 

And only when she becomes so much afraid of this other side of her, this horrible, ugly side of herself, that she runs to someone, crying, and confesses it all, that it will get better.  But until then, the visions will haunt her dreams and the blood will ooze slowly out of her body, drop by drop, until there is nothing left, no strength in her to feel the pain and anguish.

 

And its a race to see if she will give in to the fear before shes too far gone.  And what shes more afraid of than anything is that no matter who wins, she will have lost anyway.