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As strange as this may sound, I've never done drugs. I've had plenty of friends that could hook me up if I so desired, but I've had no need to smoke, shoot, or snort anything out of the ordinary. I didn't even start drinking alcohol until I was twenty-three years old. I had a few sneak-a-drinks as a kid but I never had more than one drink nor did I ever get drunk. On my twenty-first birthday, I did have a couple of drinks at the insistence of friends. But I'm not talking about alcohol here. I'm talking about DRUGS. Good old-fashioned, piss off Nancy Reagan, start an intervention, waste all your money toking up on DRUGS!

Most of my friends are shocked to find out I havent even puffed on one marijuana joint. I suppose it seems illogical to have a fire-eating friend who has worked for circuses and carnivals, showered with a horse and has never boofed a fatty even once.

It is a hard thing to admit publicly, being a non-user of drugs. I cant use terms like clean & sober or drug-free. Those terms are reserved for people who used to abuse drugs and are now free from the bonds of addiction. I fail to get high even once and that doesnt warrant a good for you or a round of applause from people also dealing with painful, constant sobriety.

Drugs are so hip and cool, it is socially unacceptable for me to not be in the club. Ask around, most everyone you know doesnt use drugs, but does smoke a little pot once in awhile. Those who dont use ANYTHING are likely to be the friends you dont hang out with often. Perpetually sober people are boring and conservative losers. Perhaps this is why so many are actually shocked to find out that Im clean. After all, I am SO COOL!

Whats worse is how people act around me when they find out about my sobriety affliction. Many are afraid to light up or talk drug-speak around me, fearing that Im some undercover narcotics officer. Others become considerably more polite around me if they do indulge. They ask if I mind if they smoke and are quick to offer me a toke. Ive even been told that theyd walk me through my first time, as if the reason I havent had any drugs is because Im terrified of freaking out. Some volunteer to vent my apartment or spray the Glade to cover up the offending odor. I try and get them to smoke in the bathroom or kitchen hoping that when they leave Ill have a clean toilet and shiny dishes.