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The sudden interest in gay marriage in the U.S. is completely ridiculous and mostly diversionary in nature for President Bush. I understand that to the President and his cronies a happily confused and glaringly stupid voting populace is ideal for reelection and the passage of restrictive laws. But really, do we have to create such turmoil among a group that is finally celebrating SOME acceptance in the Land of the Free? What I propose to do here is offer some solutions to the problem with gays in the U.S. and their nagging, incessant need to celebrate unions with the people they love, provide legal and financial benefits to their spouses, and grant them equal rights and freedoms as guaranteed in the Constitution. Being an entertainer, Im practically prohibited by law from having problems with gay people. But lets look at some scenarios anyway. If all gay men disappeared, there would be a sudden decrease in movies, plays, circuses, television shows & entertainment agencies for me to enjoy and work within. Id never have any good looking clothes to wear on stage and my hair would always be a disaster. At the absolute least, Id never be able to watch Queer Eye again and that alone would be catastrophic. And who the HELL would they get to be the center square on Hollywood Squares? Take all the lesbians out of the equation and there could be some improvements. Without them wed have no Rosie ODonnell or Ellen DeGeneres on our screens, no K.D. Lang or Melissa Etheridge music and no Xena, Warrior Princess and hot girl-on-girl action in our porno - WAIT! Forget I said anything! Now aside from the stereotypical examples Ive laid out above (Hey, I laid out some lesbians. COOL!), homosexuals are in every aspect of our lives. They are no different from anyone else. Like all people, there are good people and there are bad people. They swear, burp & watch HBO like the rest of us. Granted, they may only be watching Oz, but it still counts. Do homosexuals pay taxes and vote like the rest of us? Damn right they do, and therein lies the solution. This is an election year in the States, and our President, hoping the capture of Saddam and the fall of the Twin Towers is enough to fool us, has decided that the ONLY way to stop same sex couples from getting married is to add an ammendment to the Constitution. I say, why stop there? Why not take away citizenship altogether? I dont know the actual statistics, but it is safe to say that there are millions of voting-age homosexuals in the United States. Lets just go ahead and make them, somehow, less than actual people. Lets create some sort of non-voting, non-tax-paying social class so they truly dont matter at all politically, but can still provide wacky neighbor characters in sit-coms. If these folks have no political power in the form of a vote and no vested interest in the country in the form of tax dollars then maybe theyll all just leave the U.S. entirely. Theyd also have more money for SHOES! Maybe theyll all reject Mother Natures wisdom and CHANGE their make-up (genetic make-up, not Lancome) and become straight people. Then all they would have to do is move to some place where former homos would feel comfortable, like Rhode Island or Baltimore. I hear Idaho is pretty nice. Once reformed, we could let them pay taxes again and vote for officials. THEN, theyd matter. Then theyd be accepted and [113.2]loved, like black people and minorities are today. Continued On Next Page (would, Page 2) ... AUTHOR: Andy Martello  TAGS: Opinion constitution gay republicans usa bush BOOKMARK: Digg it | Add to Del.ICIO | Add to FARK ACTIONS: Comment Save Print Register free acount 
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