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Who could possibly believe in astrology? Lue is my name and SATIRE is my game!

Aries: Fire Child, prepare to be FIRED! Ever since you modulated your emphatic manner, it’s working against you. When Mercury comes into play, your breath will improve! Mars is not happy with you; stop it with those Rovers already! A Leo wants to lay you low, maybe under a bridge. This same Leo wants to steal your lucky blue underwear. Your lucky number is 69.

Taurus: Your moon is low, pull up your pants! Your stamina has changed to stubbornness. A gray cat will cast its eye on you around the 19th…change the stinkin’ litter box! That man left the toilet seat up, but don’t let it affect your focus! You’ll take good pics this week. Don’t get down. F-stop that! Just cuz it’s your sign, you don’t have to drive it. Your lucky number is 69.

Gemini: Your Venus and Neptune are at war with each other. Can’t you all just get along? You are an Air Sign, don’t be an airhead! Buy a tire gauge to check it. Get caller ID: That Someone is going to call. Buy lotto ticket on Tuesday. Paris Hilton is video-ing you. Report her to The Dept. Homeland Security, now! Your dearest dream calls you. Answer it! Your lucky number is 69.

Cancer: As of this date, no one knows about your teddy bear! Quit clutching your loved ones so close. Learn to stand on your own eight legs. Insults will bounce off your shell. Avoid all melted butter. Moonchildren fall in love with you and Jacko. Immediately sell all of your tobacco stocks and buy some Google. Really, fight EVERY urge to pinch anyone. Your lucky number is: 69.

Leo: Pluto leaves your fifth solar house for Yoko. Never bet on The Miami Heat. Learn to shoot free throws better. Your romance is headed south, you should head north. Pride goes before a fall off a financial cliff. Sell Merck, buy Pfizer. Like you & Charlie, most control freaks DON’T SURF - Ever! Get both of your armpits pierced on Tuesday evening. Your Lucky number is beta.

Virgo: The Harvest Goddess knows you file your undies and sox. There are still 2 dust-bunnies under the TV, you missed ‘em, haha! Your big adventure will only start if you leave your house. Today is the first day of the rest of your tortured existence. Get used to it! Viagra is not for you, but lumbar steroid injections are. Live long and struggle! Your lucky number is 34 and a half.