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I could never be a Republican. I could never be a Democrat either. I saw the horses butts who are Independents, and I realized that I was fast becoming a NEO-LIBERAL!

I’ve never really cared about politics. Except, I hate Richard Nixon. I guess that comes from the Watergate mess. Oh, and I think the world of Jimmy Carter. I grew up in Georgia and watched his rise. Other than that, I really never cared about politics.

I went about my life, mostly apolitical, until the Clinton-sex debacle. To me, Monica Lewinsky was the very definition of an executive privilege. After that, all the old fogies in D.C. stopped the greatest economic era this country has ever seen - over adultery. At the close of the 20th century, that sort of behavior seemed old-fashioned; it just wasn’t fair. I think it all happened because Republicans were getting revenge on the Democrats for running 'Tricky Dick' Nixon out of town. Maybe so. Personally I think The Republicans weren’t having as much fun as those damn happy-go-lucky Democrats, and they became jealous.

Turns out, Democrats have sex, Republicans only have committee meetings. Independent candidates in America have always seemed spooky to me. Eugene Debs, John Anderson, Ross Perot, and Ralph Nader strike one resonant chord in me; they all creep me out! I do exclude from this category Jessie Ventura. Governor Ventura creeps me out too, but it’s the good kind of 'creep me out'!

As I saw more of the world, and did more things, I realized that I was changing. An old parable changed my way of thinking. It goes like this:

“What do you get when you plant rice? ”

Answer: “ YOU get just what you planted: RICE! ”

Now, understand what you have in your life is your RICE! Should you bitch that it’s not bananas? NO! Should you whine that it’s not candy? NO! What you have in your life now is the RICE you already planted! Money, love, status, or faith…what you have is what you planted. If you don’t like what you have now, don’t bitch, don’t whine; plant the seeds of exactly what you want. YOU are responsible for YOU!

I thanked my friend who had given me such effective insight to my own destiny some years later. I asked where the parable originated. He laughed. He told me that he probably had heard it on the TV show Kung Fu.

So, I plant my rice and I get what I expect. How, though, can one make the world better? Take it from this old soldier: I’m the red-shoed, white-haired, crazy sunuvabitch to do it! Well, I’m planting some rice for everybody else. Before, I could be accused of liberal tendencies; now, I’m a NEO-liberal! Look out, neo-liberals will send meals-on-wheels to your grandma, get her free medicine, and do other nice stuff that drives most neo-conservatives wild. We feel pretty vicious about it, bud! Back off, OK?

You tell me why we can’t have a Marshall Plan revisited? I mean it. Take the things of which we have most and give them to those that need them the most. It would kinda be like Robin Hood on Steroids! …or “America’s RE-GIFTING” Policy. Then we teach them how to plant rice for themselves.

First, take all the goods from all the outlet stores in America, and send those lime-colored pants and such to folks who need clothes. They’d love it. Next, we collect every Chia-Pet ever made, then ship them out to feed livestock where there’s no forage. The cattle and sheep will feed the people. For kids who are cold, buy all the Mexican blankets that Vincente can get his hands on. Why not get all The Raider Nation t-shirts and do the same. Then we teach them to plant rice. Get the picture yet?

Of course, naysayers will question from where the funding for these ideas will come. Inside large government programs, economists like Jebb Bartlett estimate 3 to 4 percent waste or misuse. There’s no good reason not to do this now. If we took 1% of what was spent changing regimes of foreign nations, there would be enough money left to change our world with kindness instead of bullets. Just list it as a secondary item in the next war budget ($1 billion to feed and clothe needy kids). Nobody would notice. If they did, it’d take a jackass to complain. Sure, this could be called embezzling, but, if it’s good enough for Martha Stewart, it’s good enough for me. She could give us some good recipes, too.

It just makes me insane to see things like a stupid orange art display in NYC’s Central Park costing $40 million, or stinkin’ filthy rich idiots spending $40 million for inauguration parties. No person stands taller than when they stoop to help others...unless it’s that Dennis Rodman. Now is the time for NEO-LIBERALS to get out and fight the warmongers in the streets! The key: We fight with kindness and love.

*(Author’s note: I realize I may be whizzing into the wind with my theme this week, so I’ve highlighted in red all the parts I meant to be funny. Seeya next week. --Lue)