Reel Advice From the Video Store Guy

Bite Me!

*

DVD

Directed by

Brett Piper

Written by

Brett Piper

Cast

Misty Mundae .... Crystal

Caitlin Ross .... Amber

Rob Monkiewicz .... Terence "Buzz" O'Reilly

Erika Smith .... Trix

Sylvianne Chebance .... Gina

John Fedele .... Agent Myles McCarthy

Michael R. Thomas .... Ralph Vivino

Julian Wells .... Teresa

Justin Wingenfeld .... Rupert (1st Moron)

Chris Mimikos .... Hershel (2nd Moron)

David Fine .... Frack's Cohort

Carl Burrows .... Eugene Frack

Tom Taggart .... Ringer

Jim Jankiewicz .... Ringer

Igor Fernandez .... Cop

Tanisha .... Cop

Rick Van Meter .... Bar Patron

Josh Robinson .... Bar Patron

R

85 mins

Brett Piper...once again you pour your cinematic pablum down the collective throats of the unsuspecting video watching public. Now that you've had the misfortune to come across me again, you're getting the full treatment.

For those of you who don't follow the industry, old Brett's been a busy, busy boy. First, he released a shoddy little title called Arachnia, which redefined cheesy with a combination of giant spider puppets and vaguely lesbian bedroom / bathing scenes. This stellar resume made him a killer choice to be picked up by the schlockmongers at Shock-O-Rama, the people who brought us such cinematic swill as Suburban Nightmare. Brett then piped out Screaming Dead, a film that does little more than titillate every S&M fanatic who gets his or her sweaty little palms on it.

Now, we get Bite Me!, a film that manages to combine Brett's career-making films of bugs and boobs in a package that will make you cringe.

So what we have here is the story of some super joints ending up at a not so super joint. I know, I know, that's just far too glib to be a passable explanation, but you know what? It actually isn't too far from the truth.

A crate of "bio-engineered marijuana" inadvertently settles in at a strip club. Now, the concept of "bio-engineered marijuana" fills me with the kind of stunned, vaguely disgusted awe I normally reserve for car wrecks and the Bush Administration, but it only gets weirder from here. This 'genetically goofy' grass has been followed by a rogue DEA agent and a swarm of mutated insects. Apparently, they're the kind of bugs who like their Cheech and Chong. The strip club's owner decides to keep the incident quiet, and his club safe from repossession, by calling in a local exterminator to take care of the problem. Needless to say, the local exterminator isn't exactly the best in the business.

Hell, who am I kidding? This guy isn't fit to carry Delbert McClintock's poison tank. He makes Dale Gribble look competent.

Not even the long arm of the law is safe, and the DEA agent falls prey to the bugs. Or does he?

Bite Me! wavers wildly between funny, disgusting, and just plain sad. For instance, check out the most inept striptease ever at the thirteen minute mark. While it's certainly ludicrous enough to qualify as a genuine comedic gem, you can't help but feel bad for the poor girl who just had to go through this humiliation. Even better, at the twenty five minute mark, the world's only stoned, bitter, narcoleptic stripper hits the stage, falls asleep, berates the audience and then leaves. Several of the bugs drink their fill of blood only to explode via one means or another--I don't recall one bug ever escaping with a full load of blood.

John Fedele, the relative no-name they got to play the DEA agent Myles McCarthy, was probably a masterstroke. He's annoying. He's shrill. He's John Ashcroft: DEA Agent. Everyone's guilty, but the country must be protected. He has a really punchable face. Watching him get assaulted by bugs was almost a pleasure.

Almost!

Worse yet, Bite Me! decides that the best way to reach its audience is to pander like there's no tomorrow. Of course, there are literally dozens of striptease sequences--it's a movie set in a strip club. It also screams upward into shower scenes, extended lesbian scenes, and of course the kind of bloodshed for which Shock-O-Rama Cinema is rapidly becoming notorious.

The ending of this magnificent pile of steaming cinematic dung is a continuity buster the like of which has seldom been seen. The concept stays unexplained despite the end of the movie and will leave you scratching your head.

The special features include a featurette on the Canadian National Horror Expo entitled Rue Morgue: Festival of Fear, a series of web links, a music video from CKY featuring Misty Mundae for the song Shock and Terror, a "making-of" featurette for the preceding music video, an interview with Misty Mundae, a behind the scenes featurette, a screen test, a short film entitled How to Crash a Car in Two Minutes, and trailers aplenty for Suburban Nightmare, Lust for Dracula, Screaming Dead, Vamps 2, Sinful Wives, Chantal, and, of course, Bite Me!

Shock-O-Rama is truly dependent on Misty Mundae. She's in the movie, she's in the special features, she's in the music video, she's in the making of the music video segment, she's in the making of the video segment, and she's in several of their upcoming films, as evidenced by their trailers. If Misty Mundae ever dropped dead, Shock-O-Rama would probably have to close its doors in disgrace forever.

All in all, Bite Me! is indeed a film that bites, and I'm not referring to the bugs. Bite Me! is the worst kind of 'one-trick pony', so desperately reliant on stage blood, bare-breasted antics, and Misty Mundae that it goes so far beyond pandering as to leave pandering choking on its dust. It's getting to the point where anything with the 'Shock-O-Rama' label should simply be renamed "Schlock-O-Rama" as a common-decency warning to its viewers.

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