A Jesus and a Queen and a Hip-Hop Scene

Hip-hop isn't something that springs to mind when most people think of Britain. In fact to some outsiders it is perhaps puzzling as to how we manage to stir up the panache to really attack a mic, what with our preoccupation for tea drinking, stiff-upper-lipped-ness and a yearning desire for some world class dentistry to bless our wretched mouths. The Queen certainly despises the genre. How do I know this? Firstly for those who are not living in the U.K I should explain the concept of Royalty Day." Each year on the fore mentioned Royalty Day a name is selected at random from the electoral roll - with the lucky winner obtaining the pleasure of having the Royal family move in next door to them. The draw takes place in the morning and is broadcast live on television to an expectant nation. The Queen and the rest of the family arrive at the chosen destination half an hour later (Because we are such a tiny island, every location in the country can be reached from Buckingham Palace within approximately thirty minutes).

Last month, I was picked to receive this honour and was obviously over the moon, but sadly my high spirits were soon dampened by the events that followed. Because of the nature of my new next-door neighbours, I decided it would be appropriate if the music blaring out of my speakers that day had a British twang. So I reached for a selection of Hip-Hop from the U.K. As Braintax, Roots Manuva and Jehst et al sounded throughout the house,(Call me the counterfeit Big Lebowski / part time alkie / scrambling around for his house key/ knee-deep in debris, sipping on PG Tips like a chimpanzee) I was informed by a Security Guard on my doorstep that Her Majesty fucking hates British rap and that, unfortunately, was that. Worse was to come however when I returned from the shop later that day, only to find that Princess Anne had got through a small gap in our fence and had not only dug holes all over the lawn, but had also urinated in the bird bath.

Anyway, back on point, despite royal disapproval, the U.K hip-hop scene continues to grow slowly and steadily. The music has by no means broken through into the mainstream yet, partly because it simply doesnt gain the exposure but also because many rap fans are so accustomed to people rhyming in American accents, a British sound sometimes sounds strange to the ear. Its a recurring topic amongst U.K.H.H fans as to whether the music can blow-up i.e. become successful, and there are some signs that this may not be too far away. The Queen may hate it, but other prominent figures have leant their support to the scene, as detailed in this snippet pulled from the Yorkshire Chronicle :

Jesus crucified by local authorities Influential biblical figure Jesus Christ was again at the centre of a huge row involving Leeds City Council last night. It is believed that problems arose after Jesus was recruited to promote a local hip-hop and garage night by distributing flyers, but instead forced a massive clean-up operation by unprepared and furious council workers. Despite only being issued with 300 flyers initially, a miracle dubbed as a loaves and fishes rehash by critics turned this number into 300,000, leaving street cleaning teams struggling to cope. Printing companies were also outraged at the incident, feeling that divine leaflet reproduction would have significant financial repercussions for their businesses.

The news comes just two weeks since the self-styled saviour was involved in what local heads dubbed the most anti-climactic rap battle ever when he faced off against veteran British emcee T. Phillips. After glowing slightly and hovering into his position on stage, Jesus stood motionless as Phillips berated him, littering his allotted time of a minute with numerous references to where Mary really was at the time of his conception, and weak punchlines revolving around the word cross." Jesus then took the mic and the whole crowd fell into silence eagerly anticipating a holy comeback like the world had never seen. Fans were left disappointed and angered however as he calmly announced he was turning the other cheek and left the stage under a hail of empty beer bottles and a chorus of boos.

Near-conclusive proof that the scene is on the verge of something big Im sure youll agree. You too can also help raise awareness of U.K Hip-Hop by simply writing I want the U.K to BLOW! on a plain white cotton T-Shirt using black marker, though proudly displaying this t-shirt during a full-scale terror alert may cause problems which I cannot be held accountable for.

For actual information on U.K. Hip-Hop and not the supposed comedic ramblings of a loser masquerading as a journalist try www.ukhh.com.

I'm off for a crumpet. Bitch.

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