I like the idea of death. Without it, we'd all be a lot worse off. It's like a giant eraser cleaning off a portion of the world’s slate ever day, making room for new drawings and words. Everybody's going to die; no free passes, no buying your way out of it…rich, poor, fat, thin, attractive, ugly, black, white, religious, heathens, we're all going down, it's just a matter of when, where and how.
That’s what seems to trouble most people, that pesky when, where and how business. Personally, I seem to dwell on the “how” most of all. If I had my way, I would prefer to die with a little bit of novelty. I once heard a story about a woman who was attending some kind of cannon firing exhibition at a castle somewhere, and was accidentally shot with a cannon ball. Most people hearing the story along side me seemed mortified, but my first thoughts were, “how the hell do you misfire a cannon and kill someone?”, immediately followed by, “Who cares how it happened, that’s one cool way to die!” People would talk about it forever! “You remember Chuck…he was the poor bastard impaled by a cannon ball on the bridge of Chambord Castle.” That’s the kind of thing that can really keep your name circulating in post-death conversations.
Going quickly would definitely be best, something you never see coming, if not a cannon ball (this is probably unlikely to happen twice), how about a piano falling or an explosion? One minute you’re walking down the street contemplating which beer goes best with a bacon cheeseburger, the next minute you’re running across a field with your boyhood dog Roscoe. That’s got to beat dying by other means. I think it would be terrible to die while exercising…on the up side, it would be terrifically ironic, but I don’t really like running or biking very much, it doesn’t seem fair that your last act on this planet would involve something you hated doing.
It would be nice to die doing something heroic. In my case, I’m not exactly sure how this would come about, I’m not the type of person to take a bullet for the president or run into a burning building. Perhaps my bloated corpse could serve as a flotation device for children during some kind of maritime disaster. This scenario seems to lack the panache I had in mind, but anything to help, right?
As far as where to die, that seems like a no brainier. I don’t necessarily want to be alone when my soul gets thrown out on the street, but I don’t really want a lot of people around either. I think the worst case scenario would be to suffer a heart attack on a commuter train. I only mention this, because I’ve seen a couple of people have a grabber while riding the rails, and it ain’t pretty. In fact, each instance has left me with the feeling that if it were me, I’d use every once of energy left in my body to pull myself to the bathroom and lock the door. Sure, no one is going to be able to revive me in there, but at least I will go knowing I did so quietly, without disrupting everyone else's morning. My biggest fear is dragging innocent by-standers into my mortal coil shaking. Unless, of course, it involves getting gored by a bull or some other act of buffoonery, then I’d just as soon it was witnessed by the masses…again insuring post-death mentions every time one of my acquaintances were to come across a bull or a water slide.
The when is the gotcha, that’s the big question no one and everyone wants to know. It would certainly help with planning things. A funeral can be much cheaper if planned in advance. It seems unethical to rake someone over the coals at such a painful time, but I guess it’s like any other business. Personally, I can see raising the prices on an old geezer who knew he was knocking on death’s door but refused to test drive a casket or put a few dollars down on a little plot of ground. But, there should be some kind of “we-never-saw-that-one-coming” rate for special cases. Like the cannon ball scenario, that person’s funeral should have been on the house. I would think it would be good publicity, like a lawyer working a high profile case pro bono…”if they can make a cannon ball victim presentable, think of what they can do for Uncle Hank!”
One thing is for certain, we’re all going face the grim reaper sooner or later, and it’s likely to be unpleasant. That having been said, it’s best to enjoy your trip around the dance floor, while you’re here. You can’t control the where, how or when you’re going to die…well, I guess you can, but that kind of takes all the mystery out of it, don’t you think? For most of us the circumstances of our deaths will be out of our hands, but the circumstances of our lives are patently in our hands, so I say swing for the fences. How you lived can also keep your name in post-death conversations, and you won’t even have to be hit with a cannon ball, although just between you and me, that’s still one wicked cool way to go.
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