Kids say the cutest things, dont they? Suddenly, out of nowhere, theyll come out with something that makes you say, Aaw, thats so cute! Or, Wow, who the hells been teaching her that kind of language?
And thats all I am prepared to say on the topic. Were you expecting to be regaled with the wit and wisdom of Evans Minor for the next thousand words?
Dont get me wrong, I adore my daughter in a way that, pre-fatherhood, I could not have imagined
myself loving a little bundle of drool, vomit, pee and well, worse. Actually, thats doing her a disservice. As she is now a very proper little lady of almost four, any necessary bodily functions are carried out with the utmost decorum.
So, much as I love her (and much as she is clearly the single most beautiful, intelligent, and talented almost four-year old in the world) I have always tried to avoid amusing my colleagues with amusing anecdotes of the amusing things she says and does.
I became a father for the first time a little later than might be regarded as the norm or is forty-one still in the frame? Up until then I had put quite a lot of effort into not becoming a father. I definitely liked the idea of returnable children the sort one could give back when they involved themselves in anything noisy, irritating, or gratuitously biological.
At the time of my child-free bachelor days, the people who annoyed me most were actually, thats a bit of a rash statement, even for me; there have always been a huge number of people who annoy me the most.
First: women who, after standing at a supermarket checkout for twenty minutes and watching their shopping being beeped through the scanner, suddenly realise that they have to pay. This will involve having to remember where exactly they put their purse. Then, they try to present money-off coupons, despite a huge sign right in front of their faces that clearly states in bold capital print: PRESENT COUPONS TO CASHIER BEFORE ITEMS ARE SCANNED. They are definitely the people who annoy me the most.
Second: men who try to get me interested in conversations which include words like torque, fuel consumption, brake horse-power, and whether it is best to take the left turn at the traffic lights by the Methodist Chapel when trying to get to the Stockport branch of Sainsburys Homebase. Then, take the right by the Cod and Gusset, before branching off onto the A516 slip road and using the new by-pass (which used to be the A422 until it was re-numbered as the A516 when it stopped being the Edgeley Relief System). Get off at Junction 21, oh, did you get the CD-changer fitted in the boot, or go for the 250 Cash-back Option? What about metallic paint?
They should be shot like dogs. Slowly. With rusty bullets. Twice.
Actually, the list of people who annoy me the most changes on a daily basis. I have an extremely low irritation threshold when it comes to well, other people.
There are obviously (obvious to me my nearest and dearest tend to disagree I have heard the words irrational bastard muttered under a breath more than once) some hardy perennials who are permanent features on my list.
Anyone who says Nart Im sayin? and/or yo! Grown women who dress as if they were still twelve. People from Liverpool. Fat, balding, middle-aged men who wear shiny football shirts stretched across their bulging beer guts - seriously, do they really think that someone will ever mistake them for David Beckham?
People with Palm Pilots and WAP Enabled mobile phones who insist on letting everyone know that they have a Palm Pilot and a WAP Enabled mobile phone they annoy me. I have neither, so I dont actually know for certain, but is there some sort of international competition for these people? Is there a prize for The Most Ostentatious Use of a Hand-held Electronic Device in a Public Place? If there is, whats it called? Send it in on a postcard please...
In an earlier period of personal data storage development, when in my part of Essex you were still an exciting revolutionary if you used a Filofax hey, hands up if you remember those I worked with a deputy headteacher who developed the habit of sticking a mini-tape recorder under ones nose every time one had something to say to him, or ask him. It got to the stage where he started ignoring mere paper notes put into his pigeon-hole. This eventually filled up completely, and people began to just put things straight into the nearest waste-paper basket. It had no effect whatsoever on the efficient running of the school. I think that theres a lesson to be learned from that, but I would still bet a months salary that he now has a Palm Pilot. Unless something worse has been invented while my back has been turned.
Actually, at the moment, there is one person annoying me more than just about any other if, in fact, she did it again about twenty minutes ago. I have been told to stop letting it bother me, that it is not really important. I have been told to use the mute button. I have been told just to stop watching. I have been told to shut the hell up.
Do you ever watch Discovery Channel? Those bijou filmettes about some of the worlds endangered languages? Really, could the woman who gives the tag line connecting through culture, celebrating diversity sound any more bored? Imagine how bad the other takes must have been before they decided, hey, thats the best one, lets go with that." Couldnt the UN afford an actress is it someones secretary roped in for five minutes? Has she taken one too many Prozac? Or does she really, truly, honestly just not give a damn?
Now, where was I? Oh yes, talking about my days as a carefree non-father. Should my daughter ever read this, I was clearly missing out on something important in my life.
The people who annoy me most are the breeders who insist, come hell or high water, that they have to tell me about the cutest thing that their little bundle of drool has said or done. I never cared. I couldnt even pretend to care. Couldnt they see that?
Excuse me, I have to go and throw things at some TV evangelists.
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