John Donne said: “No man is an island, entire of itself…any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind…”

I'm against the Death Penalty! So I propose each week, one of us gets to go visit Zacaria's jell cell, and fling pork rinds on him! I think we should call it: TUESDAYS with MOUSSAOUI! 

The United States Treasury plans to open two additional Mints in Baghdad! It seems like spending in Iraq has increased so much, Republicans just can't keep up with the daily demand anymore!

D.C. man, Dumpster diving, finds a copy of our President's travel plans. That same man is now an anchor reporter for FOX NEWS Network!

President Bush entertains China's President Hu with a State BRUNCH...followed a WILLIAM HUNG concert!

Iran's President writes an angry letter to America's leader. But, the joke’s on them, because our President CAN'T READ!

When Congress allowed a "doughnut HOLE" in our medical coverage, they didn't plan for The President to ACT like one!

The Senate votes 63 to 26 to make English our national language! They now must translate their bill into pig-headedness, so everybody in The House of Representatives can understand it!

Technically, The Office of U.S. President is a guest worker program!

Vice President Dick Cheney offers to get his shotgun and GO patrol the FREAKING border all by HISDAMNSELF!

On your TV this fall: SURVIVAL: "The OVAL OFFICE!"

Jeff Probst isolates the current presidential staff on a tiny island, in hope they'll all start EATING each other!

U.S. Air Force General Michael Hayden is speedily confirmed to be the next Ambassador to STUPIDVILLE! (CIA)

In The Treaty of Tripoli -Article 11, Thomas Jefferson insists:

“The Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion…” Did our second President know something today’s religious right wing still don’t know?

Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell challenge Osama bin laden and Mullah Omar to a Steelcage Deathmatch televised on TBN!

Enron's Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling will go straight to jail! And after that they will go straight to Hell!

The Dead Sea is dying! But, then that's a self-fulfilling prophecy!

In a bleak downtown alley, the entire Los Angeles Laker team CHOKES and dies! No, not even Kobe could save them!

(spit) Didja hear about the new NASCAR brand pork?
(spit) It's The OTHER OTHER White Meat! (cuss) (spit)

I guess Mission Impossible III...was getting ENOUGH people to GO SEE IT!

I think The DaVinci Code goes too far when they claim over and over that Jesus was hiding a bunch of WMD's!

Tom Arnold misses Time Magazine's 2005 list of The 100 Most Influential People in the World...by a record 347 places!

Scientists at UCLA have discovered a THIRD gender on Earth...and have ironically decided to name it RYAN SEACREST!

Even though NBC's grand dame sit-com wasn't even eligible, Will and Grace got sixteen Tony nominations!

Face it, when Rosie O'Donnell finally debuts on ABC's The View, our potential for seeing a bitch slap will increase by 300 percent!

Pop diva Madonna, on her current tour, crucifies herself onstage. She says she's just beating her critics to the punch!

Guns N' Roses guitarist Axel Rose gets shoved around and roughed up by the fashion designer Tommy Hilfinger! This is the fourth sign out of five that Rock n' Roll has actually died!

A new finding says marijuana can cause depression. But, every one of the subjects in this bizarre clinical study were required to smoke some REALLY SKANKY herb! (garbage in-garbage out)

Scientists say scents that get most women in the mood for sex include vanilla, peppermint, jasmine, licorice, and newly minted money! (See second story)

New survey: 33% of women say they can be talked into a threesome!
The other 67% say they can be talked into a divorce and alimony by asking about a threesome!

Spain opens it's first ever brothel for WOMEN only! Confident of satisfying it's customers, the brothel's name will be: " OLE! "

Researchers say incidents of oral sex between teenagers have gone up...69 percent!

My pal invented The "Intelligent" Condom! Oscar says if she's too ugly, hasn't shaved her legs, or smells bad, the condom won't work!

To tell you the truth, my girlfriend is not my better half. It would be a heck of a lot more accurate to say she's my better 7/8ths

Poor Lue says: America losing its moral superiority may be the first sign our country isn’t a teenager anymore!

John Donne also said: “ ...So do not ask of me, for whom the bell tolls, It tolls for thee!”