Main Entry: 1friend Pronunciation: 'frend Function: noun
1 one attached to another by affection or esteem
2 a favored companion
WHAT IS A FRIEND?
Have you ever thought about that? We go through life- day after day, month after month, year after year- and probably never give it a thought. We just take it for granted. I used to do that, until I learned the hard way. Friends are not always all we imagine them to be.
It is the nemesis to a contented life, that we dont always think about consequences. We just proceed ahead as if situations and circumstances don't change. Its very difficult for us to see beyond the rose-colored glasses, so we miss important clues that show where things really stand.
As a child of seven, growing up in Pittsburgh, PA, I had two friends Ill call Mary and Denise. I had gone to the park with Mary, and when Denise arrived, I left with her. Mary became upset with me. It wasnt just because I left with Denise, but because I had another friend. Eventually, Mary did learn that I was going to be friends with both of them. She had to accept this, in order to maintain our friendship. By the time I moved from there several years later, the three of us had actually begun to spend time together. Unfortunately, I havent seen either one of them in many years.
It just goes to show that as children, we meet many different kinds of people who become our friends during the period we are developing our personalities. And so, those we meet in our very early life may not be the same ones with whom we will share our lifetime memories. In fact, they may not even be the same ones with whom we will share our high-school and college memories. They become our pals, our buddies, our confidantes in our growing years, but they do not necessarily become our lifetime friends.
If you are anything like I am, when you graduated- settling into a career and family- you lost track of many of your old friends. Perhaps, at times you find yourself thinking of those days and trying to recall the wonderful memories, but it isnt the same. You know you have changed, you are certain that everyone else has as well, so you find new people who share your interests and are willing to hear your stories of days gone past. It isnt hard for them to listen now, because they have the same wonderful stories.
Is that all there is to a friend? Listening to your stories of all the pranks you pulled in high school, how many times you got drunk in college, or how many times you snuck home in the wee hours of the morning without being caught? Of course not!
As I have matured over the years, I have found that one of the most important qualities in a friend is this: a friend must let you be yourself. A true friend doesnt expect you to change into their image of who you should be, nor should you be expected to like and dislike the same things they do. You should feel comfortable doing the things you were doing before they came into your life. At the same time, you should be able to share exciting new experiences and confidences together.
The hardest thing I have found in friendship is dearly caring about someone, while sitting back and watching that very friend cause hurt to another friend. What do you do? The problem is that many times you are expected to choose. That can be the hardest thing in the world to do.
I wish I could say I never had to make that decision, but I would be lying. It hurt deeply at first, but I learned to live with it through the knowledge that a true friend would not expect me to dislike another person simply because things had been done to hurt them. As much as you would like to prevent your friends from being hurt, it just isnt realistic. And its unrealistic of someone else to expect you to take sides.
Six years ago, when I first started accessing the Internet, I came across a message forum dedicated to my favorite group from the British Invasion. One of the people who posted, whom I later found out ran a fan club (now defunct) for the group, emailed me immediately, and we became fast friends. We shared many of our secrets, hopes, and dreams over the next few years, including the encouragement he gave me to think about publishing things I had written.
Sadly, something happened a couple of years ago involving himself, his wife, and one of the band members. Our friendship ended because I would not go against the band member. I did not have the full facts, and my friend stated he couldnt give all the facts for legal reasons.
Though we want to take the side of our friends, there are times we may not be able to do that. A true friend will understand why you cannot turn against someone else just because they think you should. After all, remember this: your friend wants you to side with him, so he is only going to tell you enough information so you will take his side. You have to know when to follow your own instincts and do what you feel is right.
The most important lesson is this: never lose touch with your friends, or you may live to regret it.
My middle daughter faced this a number of years back. She had a very good friend, named "Erica," in middle-school. In 1995, my daughter lost track of Erica's phone number. A year or so passed. One day she was talking to her friend, "Bob." She told him she was going to call him the next day to get Ericas phone number.
Unable to reach Bob, another day passed, and we saw in the newspaper that there was an accident. Erica had been killed. She was only 16, so my daughter never expected that to happen. Today, she still misses Erica, but she is much more careful to stay in touch with her friends, knowing life could take them away without warning at any time.
In essence, what you want to remember is this: you are going to meet many different types of people in your life, and your friends are not always going to like each other. Those who are your true friends are those who accept you for what you are, and expect you to do the same for them. They will stand beside you no matter what happens, without expecting anything in return.
True friends are those who will be your shelter when you are cold, a nursemaid when you are sick, a helping hand when you need it, and a shoulder for you to cry on.
They will love you as only a friend can, and will give up a truly special evening if they are needed. Remember, though, that you must be that same kind of friend because to FIND a true friend, you must BE a true friend. There are times when that may be something as extraordinary as finding a friend you havent seen since high-school, like I did. Or it may be as ordinary as meeting someone with whom you immediately bond.
Whatever your special circumstances, remember what they teach in Girl Scouts. (I'd like to attribute it to the proper author, but I dont know who it is!)
"Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, the other gold." --a brilliant person, and a true friend to many, no doubt.
A Short Essay by
Brenda Coxe
2003
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