Let It Snow, Let Them Throw, Let it Go

My first thought was the usual angry, "what the hell?", then I hit the brakes.

I don’t really mind getting snowballed; it happens to me a couple of times every winter. When I was younger, it might have evoked some kind of violent reaction and perhaps a creative driving maneuver or two, but I’m pretty much passed that stage of my life for a couple of reasons. One, I do not drive nice vehicles. My current car is a white ’98 minivan with a missing gas cap; one of the few flattering things one can say about it is that it makes a nice target for people who like throwing projectiles at a moving car. Two, being a reformed hurler of ice myself, I’m inclined to cut some slack to kids with a little pent up angst and too much time on their hands. And three, a married father of two really shouldn’t be punching 14-year-olds; it’s illegal and pathetic, not to mention the off chance that a gang of 14-year-olds could beat me into an early coma, which would be a little embarrassing.

All that having been said, I did not just drive off. That would not only be a blow to my already-diminished alpha male dominance, but also a disservice to the angst-ridden youths. Hitting a car with a snowball is only fun if there’s the potential for serious repercussions…this is why you seldom see young toughs pelting parked cars at the local Piggly Wiggly. This is also why I had to stop…they wanted it, I wanted it.

I smiled as I put the car in reverse and imagined them screaming, "Sh--, he’s coming back", while feverishly retreating to the safety of a waiting bush or an alley on the next block. That’s when I saw them. They were retreating all right, but it wasn’t to some remote hiding place, it was through their well-lit garage and into the warmth and comfort of their split-level family room. Now, I was pissed. If you want to hit a car with a snowball, you really should have the common decency to at least commit yourself to it. This was like robbing a bank and then saying, "Just kidding" when the cops started lobbing tear gas canisters through the window.

I decided that I needed to take it a step further and actually back into the driveway. I had unconsciously picked up speed as I was wheeling down the street, which caused me to slide a little when I slammed on the brakes in front of the garage, guess I still had one creative driving maneuver left in me. I thought this was a nice touch though, very "Rockford Files"…show them I was not to be trifled with. God, they had to really be soiling themselves at this point. Then I rolled down the window and put my head out, just to kind of put an exclamation point on the whole encounter…maybe give the illusion that I was noting their address.

It was then that I noticed a figure standing behind my car with his arms crossed. At first I thought it was one of the kids, but then I noticed that he was about my age…it had to be the father of these useless cowards! I was too stunned to speak at first, so I just glared. Then I managed to blurt out, "Did you just hit my car with a snowball?" It came out more threatening than I’d intended, like my right hand was frantically searching the floor for a tire iron. If I’d thrown an "MFer" on the end of the sentence, it could have been a sound bite from "Cops". This had all transpired so fast, I didn’t know what might happen next. A confrontation? An apology? An all out attack on the van from the entire clan of ne’er-do-wells? Then he says, "hey, the kids were just trying to have a little fun". "The kids were just having a little…" "You think it’s fun to…" A lot of things raced through my mind but what I actually said was, "Nice Example you set for your kids!", before pealing out of the drive way…very un-Rockford-like.

I’m not sure how it had turned so quickly, but suddenly I was feeling like a jerk. I, who did nothing wrong. Me, the great defender of slacker youth culture everywhere…JERK! It took me a little while to calm down. I spent a good five minutes entertaining a scenario wherein I returned to his house around 2am with several high school pitchers and we started pelting his windows with ice balls. I imagined him stumbling bleary-eyed into the night in his robe and slippers, where I would calmly exclaim, "Hey, the kids were just trying to have a little fun", then I’d drive off with my teenage posse flipping him off from the back of a vintage Ford F-150. I hadn’t quite worked out how I’d run across the baseball players, or how the F-150 got there, but that’s not really the point, now is it?

I must have ran through 5 or 6 such payback scenarios, all ending with me employing my signature "kids just having fun" line, but by about scenario 4 the process was more humorous than vengeful. In the end, I thought it better to relate the story here, and then mail a copy of the article to this family of snowball wielding yellow bellies. Maybe the kids will learn that swinging on a trapeze is a lot more exciting when you’re more than 2 feet off the ground. And perhaps their dad will have a better understanding of why someone would send a minivan careening down a residential street for something as innocent as a thrown snowball. Either way, this is much cheaper than laying out money for compensatory damages to property and a bitching F-150.

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GET RAW from Puyallup washington says on 2008-12-15 19:47:47 about Snowballs and cars LoL yesterday me and my cousins were throwing snowballs at cars from far away then we got a little closer and most of the snowballs we threw missed, we were bored and just trying to have a little fun since we had walked along way with our sled hoping to do some sledding and that didn't work because it was a cheap sled and the snow was too powdery and hills weren't steep enough. Anyway, just about when we were done my youngest cousin throws this snowball as this silver truck passes by and and it missed his truck it hit the street but this guys face looked so pissed off he stopped right then and there and we were all like "OH SHIT RUN" and we took off around the corner down the street of a ungated community which we didn't know our way around. one of my cousins got left behind he was too slow and this guy chased us on foot and caught up to him and got in his face throwing gang signs saying stuff like you f'd with the wrong set I'ma kill you and whats your homies name I'ma kill all you and this guy is late 20's early 30's guamanian or hispanic a little buff and my cousin is like 12-13 and scared as shit because this guy looked like he was going to beat his ass then this guy walks away and we hear him burn out taking off. So we were like whoa man that was crazy a little shocked and little excited and we started walking back to our cousin that got left behind and before we know it this guy comes speeding around the corner behind us and we all booked and he chased us in his big ass truck we thought he was seriously going to kill us by running us over and we all faked it like we were going into our houses even though they weren't our houses. So he passed all of us chasing my one other cousins and he drove through someones yard and right into a busy street nearly causing an accident he parks in the middle of the street gets out and chasing my cousin on foot he's like 14 or 15 and they post up and this guy is swearing and yelling CMON GET RAW YOU F'D WITH THE WRONG SET B*TCH and my cousin was ready to fight this grown man who had his fists up but then the guy backs off and comes towards me while my cousin ran off into a gated community and at this point the street was all backed up people yelling and honking horns one lady was calling 911. He comes up to me like YOU WANT SOME TOO BITCH IMA KILL YOU, YOU BETTA NOT LET ME CATCH YOU SLIPPIN' and then he goes YOU KNOW WHAT... and turns around and goes for something in his car and I got scared as shit because it looked like a gun at which point I apologized for a snowball I didn't throw and he hides it under his shirt and starts walking towards me and I didn't know whether he was going to shoot me or not I was too scared to run and he pulls one of those extendable police batons and still cursing at me how hes going to kill me and I'm lucky there was witnesses and a lady calling 911 was like their just kids and he starts beefin with her gets back into his truck and opens the door and stand up yelling again and eye ballin me yelling what you looking at I was liek what you still doing here and kept walking and he finally takes off after making a huge scene. This guy pulled a weapon on kids over a snowball that didn't even hit his truck, maybe he was already having a bad day and we pushed him over the edge I don't know but it was scary and I don't think we'll be throwing snowballs for awhile anymore lol.

Steve from Yellowstone says on 2008-08-12 10:16:33 about RAMOOONE! The fact that you put that much thought into all this is a little nuts. I hate it when it happens to me too, but unless I hear insults behind it, or it's ice being thrown (which is assault), I try and let it go or I throw them back and make it look like I'm having fun with them...even though I'm choking back rage all the while.

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