The Real Story Behind Cutting

Before I begin, I would like to give you a brief look into my history of self-abuse.  My self-abuse began in 7th grade, following the onset of what was later diagnosed as clinical depression. 

 

I cut myself with razors, needles, safety pins, or anything that was available.  I recall running into the girls' bathroom after a particularly hard day at school and rubbing my wrists on the edge of the paper towel dispenser until they began to bleed. 

 

I would spray hairspray into my cuts to prevent them from healing, and when I couldn't cut, I would pick at my old scars to make them bleed again.  No one knew about my cutting save for my best friend, who also cut herself.  I would cut myself mostly in places that people couldn't see, like my stomach and inner thighs.  I recovered from my depression after a not-so-brief stay in what my friends and I fondly refer to as the "psych ward" of the local hospital, but I continued to cut myself.  After 3 years, I was finally able to let go of what I had come think of as my own addiction- a drug that helped me deal with all the pain I was feeling.  I am proud to say that it has now been almost a year since I've cut myself.  Here is a closer look into the mind and body of a cutter.

 

Have you ever been afraid of yourself?  I mean, really, truly afraid?  Like, theres this amazingly powerful feeling welling up inside of you, and the more you try to suppress it, the more it pushes its way out.  And youre so afraid that everything youve been hiding and keeping inside is just going to come pouring out, and part of you wishes you could just let go, but part of you is intent on keeping everything hidden.

 

Thats how it is when I cut myself.  Part of me is relieved to finally let it all out, and that part feels only joy as the blood slowly works its way to the surface of the skin one drop at a time.  But another part of me feels the pain, and that part is afraid.  That part is the part that makes my hand shake as the razor finds its way around my wrist, and its the part that wants to vomit when the blood drops to from my wrist to the floor, almost in slow motion.

 

Its like there are two different people watching this happen, and Im not even doing the cutting at all, just watching it.  And one person smiles, wider and wider as the razor digs deeper and deeper.  But the other person only keeps looking because shes frozen in fear at whats happening.  And the images haunt her in her dreams- chasing her until she collapses, victim to the self-mutilation.  And its when this part of her collapses that the cutting starts again, because shes too weak to fight it. 

 

And only when she becomes so much afraid of this other side of her, this horrible, ugly side of herself, that she runs to someone, crying, and confesses it all, that it will get better.  But until then, the visions will haunt her dreams and the blood will ooze slowly out of her body, drop by drop, until there is nothing left, no strength in her to feel the pain and anguish.

 

And its a race to see if she will give in to the fear before shes too far gone.  And what shes more afraid of than anything is that no matter who wins, she will have lost anyway.

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