Who the Hell Are You and Why Should I Read This?

They're in every major publication and online newspaper. Whether you're reading The Chicago Tribune, The Sawyer County Gazette, or The Cheers, there's usually some overly opinionated guy with humorous stories and pointed observations. Usually these columns are pretty funny; funny enough that you'll end up asking your buddy at work if he'd had the chance to catch the article this week. Many times, the writer, while entertaining, will end up alienating a good part of the readership and will be deemed "an asshole," and before too long, the author gets beseiged with e-mails and letters both of support and hatred for his work. I am one of those assholes.

My name is Andy Martello and I have been a professional comedian, juggler, and overall entertainer for over 18 years. You may or may not have seen me eating fire on 'Last Comic Standing' or spinning plates at your local festival. Perhaps you've heard my comedy group, Mr. X's Briefcase, on The Doctor Demento Show. I used to be a clown for Ringling Bros. & Barnum and Bailey Circus, as well as a performer for many other traveling shows. I have been fortunate enough to travel the world and meet a lot of interesting people. I also have the dubious disctinction of being able to say that because of my work and where it has taken me, odd things happen to me on a regular basis.

For the most part, what you'll be reading from me will be anecdotes about my life as an entertainer. Having worked for circuses AND carnivals as well as comedy clubs, corporate events, kids groups, and television shows, I feel that I've gained a somewhat unique perspective on the world and the people I encounter.

I also plan on spouting some of my own opinions on a variety of subjects and hope to create a loyal following of lexicological minions who will one day come to see me speak or read from my volumes of collected works (and perhaps kill for me should you choose to accept the job!). I can't say that everything I say will be accepted as fact or even grounbreaking insight used to solve a specific problem. I can promise that I usually will be funny, sometimes be clever, and oftentimes be a total jerk.
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I think that if I'm lucky I can be a Henry Rollins without all the tattoos, a Jim Carroll without all the heroin, and an Eric Begosian without all the offending body odor. But in all honesty I'd be just as happy to find out that I'm getting all of the disenfranchised and tortured Spaulding Gray fans to read my stuff. Heck, if I could get the occasional comparison to David Sedaris or even sister Amy I'll feel as though I've done something right.

Before you return to The Cheers and hopefully to my first little recollection, I'll tell you a little about me.

I live in the Chicago area with my wife and her cat. I perform regularly throughout the U.S. and make being an entertainer my full-time profession. I am an avid cigar smoker and a lover of the martini, and I plan on reviewing new cigars and regularly sharing drink recipes with you. I have a rather large collection of the song 'Louie Louie' and realize that it is a VERY strange hobby. If for no other reason than my Louie obsession I think that my columns will become a welcome addition to your list of favorite stops on the internet.

When I'm stating my opinions, you'll know! I make no bones about stating what is on my mind about a topic and you shouldn't have a problem figuring out when I'm letting off steam. The vast majority of the anecdotes are completely true with a few additions for dramatic effect. There will be an air of mystery as to what is fact and what is fiction with some pieces. This is mostly to protect the identities of some of the participants, but sometimes it is simply me trying my hand at fiction. I hope to get feedback from the readers in order to see what works and what doesn't. Most all of these pieces are intended to be used in an upcoming book I'm working on and any advice is helpful.

If you are a registered reader please feel free to comment about the stroies from any of our writers, as well as on my own stories. If you would like more information about me, just go to my website, www.andymartello.com . I answer all of my e-mails and I'd love to hear from you.

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