Did you hear
that sound this past Monday morning? I was watching SportsCenter
when I heard it. At around 7:30 a.m. I was getting ready for
another lovely day at the office when a sound reminiscent of 5 million
Tasmanian Devils having sex ascended over the horizon. It nearly
caused me to have a heart attack.
What?
What was that sound that I am talking about? It was the sound of women of a
certain age screaming with joy upon hearing the news that the superstars Demi
Moore and Ashton Kutcher married this weekend. Normally two celebrities getting
married wouldn't be such a big deal, unless you are that uber-fairy Ted
Casablanca from the E! Network. But this union made worldwide headlines
because, for a change, the woman was older than the man. If you can believe
published reports Demi Moore is 42, and Ashton Kutcher is 27. If my elementary
school math skills are still in tact I calculated that there is a 15 year age
difference between the two.
Many so called experts had been predicting the marriage, but I secretly had a
bet that Ashton would admit on national TV that he was P. Diddy's love slave.
On paper it would seem that Kutcher would be more likely to marry someone
around 18, which would be the age of Moore's oldest daughter! The only success
that Kutcher knows is his success from the MTV show Punk'd, and the last time I
checked the MTV crowd was mainly between 13 and 17 years old. Who knows, maybe
the twisted little brat is really after the daughter?
Women have been waiting decades for the double standard concerning couples ages
to disappear. Well, get ready for a tidal wave of epic proportions to commence.
It will become the norm for a woman to date a man 10 years her junior. The dam
has been in place so long that when it finally breaks, by god, it will REALLY
break. We are in for a big change, Junior, listen to me now and believe me
later.
There are just too many factors that will make it fashionable for an older
woman dating a younger man. The only way you couldn't have seen this trend
coming is if crows had picked your eyeballs out of their sockets and then threw
you into the Grand Canyon.
The biggest reason is the Explosion in the plastic surgery industry. Plastic
surgery has become a multi-billion dollar business and for good reason; it
works! A woman in her forties has a load of advantages that women in their
forties didn't have 20 years ago. In the past when a woman turned 30 she could
kiss her acting days goodbye, unless she had a baby earlier.
There
were nearly 8.3 million surgical and non-surgical cosmetic procedures performed
in 2003, and 87% of those procedures were performed on women. There are tons of
selections to choose from: liposuction, Botox, breast implants, tummy tucks,
chemical peels, micro-dermabrasion, laser hair removal, collagen injections,
nose jobs, etc.
Hell,
why choose just one of them when you can get a discount by having more than one
performed at the same time. Buy in bulk is what my rich uncle always said,
you'll save money.
If you compare a picture of the 22 year old Demi versus the 42 year old model,
it is hard to believe that it is the same person. I would guess that she had
all of the aforementioned procedures, some of them more than once. Her face
looks like it's been stretched more than the felt on a Brunswick pool table. I
dare say that there isn't a part still on Ms. Moore that came standard. Well,
maybe her pinky toe is still free from cosmetic surgery, but don't put money on
it. Maybe she is a fan of the Import car scene. Those little Asian bastards will
sink $80,000 into a Honda Civic!
But Demi is not alone in her quest for eternal youth. The fantastic work of
plastic surgeons like Robert Rey has kept a great deal of Hollywood actresses
sexy long after their prime years are in their rearview mirror. Some of the
lucky benefactors are: Hallee Berry (39), Famke Jansen (40), Nicole Kidman
(38), Nicolette Sheridan (42), Teri Hatcher (41), Courtney Cox (41), Elizabeth
Hurley (40), and Gina Gershon (43). Without plastic surgery these women
certainly wouldn't still be considered sex symbols. And I think I can vouch for
every heterosexual male when I say that they all made the right choice.
Oh, go ahead and call me a sexist bastard. There is no way that I, or any man
out there, could be more critical of females looks as other females are. My
god, women are so vicious and cruel when they critique other women. They will
point out the most microscopic flaw and focus on it until they get teary eyed.
A
long time ago a girl I knew saw Jenna Jameson and said, "That girl doesn't
even have a chin." Which may have been true, but what about the rest of
her? When I look at Jenna Jameson I think of a lot of things, but her lack of
chin does not enter the equation. I bet that girl was angry to hear that Jenna
recently obtained a chin implant. Now she will have to look a little harder to
find a flaw, but I'm confident that she will.
Applause is in order for all the women who have hunkered down and went that
extra mile to preserve their looks. But it's not just their looks that are
making older women a more attractive option for younger males. There are a
number of advantages that a man can enjoy, if he can just be brave enough to
make that leap.
Just
don't have any foolish illusions that you are her first. Hell, more than likely
you are her 21st. Especially if you use my acceptable sexual partner equation
for females: 1 man allowed per year after the age of 20, subtracted by the
years with one man.
Sex with older women is an interesting endeavor. When a girl is in her late teens
and early twenties everything is where it should be, but their self image is
lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut. For some reason as a woman ages her
sex drive kicks into overdrive. Women in their forties do the best they can,
and the things that can't be changed, FUCK IT! They are not going to worry
about jeans making them look fat when they are in the throes of cocklust. You
can also count on incorporating some sex toys due to years of repression.
Males in their early twenties face challenges that men in their twenties didn't
have to face 15 years ago. Men from this age group were the first raised to
treat women as equals. In school they were forced to play games with girls,
when in the past the girls would have been relegated to "playing house,"
while the boys played sports.
Now
the boys are out there getting their asses handed to them in basketball by 6
foot tall Amazons. Women outnumber men in college attendance, and as a result
they will take jobs once held by men. Old men will say that the nation is
pussyfied, but younger men just accept this as the way things are.
This raises another interesting point. Men in their upper twenties have been
coddled and spoiled so much that they never fully develop into men. They have
never completely left their mother's teat. An older woman can serve as a
grounding force and may possibly get you to pick your junk off of the floor.
Withholding sex is a hell of a lot more effective than taking away your video
games as punishment. And for fuck's sake, a 30 year old man should not race out
to EB Games every time a new video game comes out.
Finances pay a big role as well. The mid-twenties males are faced with either a
massive college loan to pay back or the prospect of working at McDonalds. And
even if they can overcome those obstacles they are still faced with a $200,000
mortgage because the girls in this same age group just won't settle for a
trailer in Aynor, South Carolina. Hopefully a 40 year old woman is financially
stable, and if they are not then you should keep on trucking cowboy.
But these are just the words of a hostile cynic. For all I know it could be
true love. They could be soul mates, if such a thing exists. But keep in mind
that love is a FOUR LETTER WORD, and we all know that if we say four letter
words we will be forced to eat the soap. The word LOVE is to be handled with
caution, like Napalm.
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