Pass the Soap, Wilbur

In my life I've seen a lot of things. I suppose that you could say I've become something of a worldly guy over the years. I've gotten to travel and see new places. I've met interesting people. I have managed to have a wide and compelling amount of things happen to me that I can now call fond memories or wise lessons. That must be a benefit of being an entertainer. I cannot imagine that I would ever have become the person I am today if I had not had the encounters Ive had across this land of ours.

That being said, I'm not sure where this next bit of experience will EVER come in handy. It often wins the strange story contests that friends have in bars over a few drinks. Thankfully it is not a story where I was chased by the law (THAT story will come in a few weeks.). BUT, as I have told this story to my friends throughout the years it always gets a laugh or at least a dropped jaw and that is why I have decided to share it with you today. I'll start by asking you a simple question.

Have you ever taken a shower with a horse?

I didn't think so. Most people have not which is why, I suppose, so many folks eagerly want to hear this anecdote after I ask them that question. I, in fact, HAVE showered with a horse. Now I'm not talking about some farmyard scene out of a movie where a young Elizabeth Taylor is shampooing herself behind a makeshift shower and there just happens to be a horse in the background. On the other end of the spectrum, I am not talking about some of the very fine porn that is a few Google searches away from finding a home on your hard drive. I was in a bathroom stall with a horse where we both enjoyed the comforts of a hot shower. I did not set out to do this, it just happened. Circumstances made it necessary and I did what I had to do.

This all happened while I was working in a circus (big surprise). We were in a small town in Southern Illinois (another shocker) and the time came for me to take a shower. I should point out that when you work for a circus a good shower is a commodity that is hard to come by (3rd big wonder of the paragraph). Many circus performers travel in trailers that are equipped with a shower. "Regular people" like to think that the facilities offered in these travel trailers are very luxurious and make for comfortable travel. They are NOT.

Trailer showers are very small, sometimes downright tiny. They offer no water pressure to speak of and there is usually not enough room to get everything clean to your satisfaction. The water is rarely hot enough and what hot water you have is never in abundant supply. Many circus performers that have the advantage of working indoor shows opt to use the facilities, if any, offered by the venue they're playing or the showers at some state campgrounds, K.O.A.s, etc.. If you are a performer who is NOT traveling by trailer you MUST use these options exclusively or pay the extra costs of getting a motel room every night. I was one of the latter type of performers.

Sleeping in my van and showering at schools, truck stops, and campgrounds can sometimes be fine. Eventually you get to know the value of a dollar by how much a truck stop charges to use their shower. You also get an idea for how nice the shower will be that way. My advice, stay away from the $3.00 shower! They have lousy pressure, are filled with bugs, and they don't always have doors preventing you from staying long (cheap bastards).

Campgrounds sometimes have clean facilities but they're filled with other special features like these push-in faucets that only keep the water running for about 3-5 seconds at a time, presumably to conserve water (cheap bastards). My advice on campgrounds, stay with the brand-name family campgrounds.

More often than not you find yourself hoping the school building you play will have a real shower. You can't always ask for hot water as schools like to keep the water heater off when not in use (cheap bastards). Two bits of advice here.

A) Try to use the coachs personal shower if you want privacy AND hot water. B) NEVER take a shower at a school in Kentucky. They treat prisoners in that state better than they do students. Believe me, athletes foot is the least of your worries in a Kentucky school shower.

Back in Illinois, where showers are usually adequate, I had decided that a free shower was to be my bathing choice du jour. I was told that this particular school had one hell of a great shower and, If I'd ever done anything good at all in my life I OWED it to myself to use that shower. Reviewing my life, indeed I had done something shower-worthy.

Now here's where our equestrian friend comes into play. We had a trained horse on this show. I use the term loosely because the only thing I'm SURE this horse was trained to do was aggravate his trainer, but he was a trained horse nonetheless. In the show you try not to tip the audience off as to what they'll see next in a show, so an animal act is best received by making a surprise entrance. Normally these entrances are done back stage, somewhere close to the door. At this school, the back door was no where near our back stage area and the best course of action was to bring the horse in from the locker room, which WAS shielded by our curtains.

This practice wasn't uncommon. Usually the horse would be kept in the shower stall. This worked out well because the animal could get a good bath and if he had to relieve himself it would make for an easy clean-up. I suppose I shouldn't say all this as I'm sure there are a lot of folks now who are wondering if they've unknowingly showered in a stall that had been sullied by a horse.

[BB]

I ventured over to the locker room, towel and sundries in hand, ready to enjoy a hot and high-pressure shower. I got undressed and jumped right in. It was a big shower as mens locker rooms NEVER have individual showers like so many ladies locker rooms do (Just a bit of indignity men are forced to endure while the fairer sex enjoys modesty. A lot of mens rooms don't even have doors on the toilet stalls either. Oh the humanity.). This shower wasnt huge, mind you, but it did have one dividing 1/2 wall that provided a little privacy. As I lathered up and relished the rising temperature and the fine water pressure, I heard a distinct grunting noise from behind the partition. It was not that of some pervert pleasuring himself or anything like that.

No, this was more of an animal noise. I stopped and was a little shocked to hear this sound. I walked towards the wall and was most amazed to see Gabby the Wonder Horse, walking towards me on a long tether and most assuredly more interested in being where the running water was than against the wall. I jumped back in hopes that the horse wouldnt have enough lead to steal my hot water or step on me.

I've been around plenty of horses in my day but logic prevented me from walking towards him in order to shorten his lead or turn on a faucet for him. Lets face it, if he reared up and struck me, thered be a real possibility that my Mother would have to get an unusual phone call explaining that I was found naked & dead in a shower, lying next to a horse. Even though my story would get printed in The Circus Report. I shudder to think about the headline.

Eventually the horse stopped, content to stay as close as he could get. He just stared at me with that stare that is common among horses. There were no other working faucets I could get to so I figured that if I was going to get a shower on this day it would have to be extra one horse. Hell, he was tied to a rail and couldnt get at me, so why not? Gabby, I said, I normally get to know someone a little more before I shower with them, but given the circumstances...you stay on your end and Ill stay on mine. It seemed like a logical thing to say. Gabby grunted afterwards and I took that as a verbal contract.

Gabby just stared at me, occasionally moving and stomping his feet, walking as much as his lead would allow. I turned towards him to wash my hair and rinse with my head leaned back into the sprinkling stream of water. As I washed the soap and water from my eyes I saw...well It appeared as though he was looking at my crotch. Now I know that he probably wasnt looking there but having never showered with a horse before I thought anything was possible. It seemed likely, given the position of his neck and head, that he was staring at my crotch.

Nervous and extremely self-conscious I slowly turned away from Gabby. Before I could get back to a posterior-facing position, Gabby brayed a whinny that sounded like a laugh. I know, Im just superimposing a human trait onto this scene but sometimes a horses call sounds like a laugh, dammit! I looked back at him to make sure he wasn't getting ready to do something out of the ordinary. Again I was met with a horse staring at my privates.

At that point the damn horse, uh, GREW somewhat in proportion. Well a part of him did anyway. I was hoping that he wasn't getting sexually aroused. What would my Mom think if she read that I was killed in a shower by the only gay horse in all of Illinois? There's no Hallmark card for THAT occasion! The horse grew to mammoth proportions, brayed a laugh, and began relieving himself all over his section of the shower floor. I was pleased to see that he wasn't horny, but a little upset that he chose that moment to answer natures call. When he was finished, he...uh, retracted his member, took one last look at mine, and turned about with his rear now facing me.

I thought it to be something of a commentary about the size of my manhood. I think just about any man would look at this gesture that way, given that were all so insecure about such things. Of course, if that wasnt a commentary from Gabby, then certainly the raised tail and the forthcoming downpour of manure WAS! His opinion was now crystal clear. No sir, he didnt like it! After a display like that, how could I be anything but humbled? I finished my shower while holding my breath and left.

When I got out of the locker room Gabbys trainer stopped to warn me about the horse-infested shower. I let him know that wed already met and I had clearly lost the pissing contest. He laughed and we joked about the damage to my ego. I didn't tell him about the mess waiting for him in the shower. Later the trainer came to me and asked why I hadn't mentioned that Gabby had fouled the shower floor. I just smiled and said, Who said anything about Gabby making that mess? Near as I figured it was as close as I'd get to reclaiming some level of dignity and achievement.

Andy Martello is a professional comedian, juggler & plate spinner based out of the Chicago area. His comedy recordings have been heard on 'The Dr. Demento Show' & he's been seen on 'Last Comic Standing'. Many of the works published here will be featured in his upcoming book, tentatively titled, Prose & C.O.N.S..

For more info about Andy you can check out his website at www.andymartello.com

Politics Factzone: The truth about Kim Jong Il Kim Jong Il, the leader of the free world, has decided to move on to more fertile grounds, leaving with us just the memories of 8-color rainbows, singing Korean women and couple of nuclear weapons. But who was this man whose next ambition would have been to get the next Nobel Peace prize? Here are just a few facts you should know about. more Top 5 Conspiracy Theories Related to John F. Kennedy's Assassination 26.Aug 2011 Since just after the assassination of John F. Kennedy, conspiracy theories abou...read ISRAEL KEEPING GHADDAFI AFLOAT 10.Mar 2011 ...read Glen Beck Is NOT the Anti-Christ! 10.Mar 2011 Hurtful and fiery rhetoric is now media’s default setting! This slippery and m...read Recipe for A REVOLUTION! (10 easy steps - try not to get burned!) 28.Feb 2011 Rebellion is cooking in the air. People are mad as hell, and not going to take...read THE ASSANGE CASE. CIA INTERFERED WITH SWEDISH LEGAL PROCESSES EXTREME RIGHT POLITICS A DANGER TO EUROPEAN UNITY THE AUSTRALIAN LABOR PARTY. OUT OF TOUCH, OUT OF FOCUS, OUT OF CREDIBILITY AND HOPEFULLY, OUT OF THE DOOR Opinion World governments charged with criminal negligence (in response to Megaupload case) EARTH (thecheers.org) - Federal authorities of the universe have charged the governments of all the countries in the world as well as the operators actually in power in these countries with operating a criminal enterprise, the Galaxy warriors announced Today. more The Great OSCARS 2011 – or so it would seem 5.Mar 2011 So, how exciting......a morning off, the Academy Awards. I wish I could say the...read Top 7 Expensive Bordellos. Prostitution: Shakedown, Tier Down, and Priced Out 31.Jan 2011 According to a report of the Washington DC-based US Department of State, The Ph...read The Great Secret and Reason for the JFK Assassination 11.Oct 2010 The great question is why the great secret? On June 4 1963, President Kennedy s...read Don't Do it! The 3 Worst Times to Get Tattoos 4.Oct 2010 As a general rule, tattoos gotten after 2 am are a bad idea. But in a bigger pi...read

Travel Travel Warning 13 September 2010 - DO NOT TRAVEL TO IRAN 13.Sep 2010 TRAVELWISE has been watching the situation in Iran for some months in relation ...read more TRAVELWISE TRAVEL ADVISORY 5th June 2010. DO NOT TRAVEL TO ISRAEL. 5.Jun 2010 Given the recent incident whereby the Israeli intelligence agency, Mossad, used...read TRAVELWISE. 16 APRIL 2010. EUROPEAN TRAVEL ALTERNATIVES 16.Apr 2010 Travelwise issues the following advice in relation to cancelled flights to, fro...read TRAVELWISE 6 APRIL 2010. AUSTRALIAN AIR TRAVEL. THE BEST WAYS TO TRAVEL BY AIR IN AUSTRALIA. 5.Apr 2010 Regular readers might have seen and read the various advisory and no-fly notice...read TRAVELWISE 2 APRIL 2010. QANTAS. 2.Apr 2010 Some concerns have been raised in relation to some of the maintenance practices...read Sport No Payoff From the Playoffs $16.50 will Get Anyone in the Hall Mr McGwire Stupid Athlete Tricks Technology Think Big! Think the World's Largest International Trade Show Top 9 cool laptop accessories for laptop geeks Twittering: I'm not that interesting Cheers Jesus' Answering Machine Brown Couch or twelve midgets in the town square How To Be Happy Drugged Out Saturday Nights Muslim Decapitation: Bad, or Simply Misunderstood?