Reel Advice from the Video Store Guy

A double bogey that hits the bunker and bounces right in the water hazard. One more golf metaphor and I'm calling the whole thing a mulligan and going to bed.

Greenskeeper

R

Rating - *1/2

Directed by

Kevin Greene

Adam Johnson

Writing credits

Kevin Greene

Alex Weir

Allelon Ruggiero .... Allen Anderson

John Rocker .... The Greenskeeper/George Anderson

Christi Taylor .... Mary Jane

Steve Rickman .... Chas

Ron Lester .... Styles

Thomas Merdis .... Otis Washington

Bruce Taylor .... John Anderson

Allison Kulp .... Mary Katherine

Melissa Ponzio .... Elena Rodriguez

Jamie Renell .... Champ

Michael Short .... Chet

Stephanie Bingham .... Mary Beth

Alfea Thomas .... Mrs. Anderson

Kevin Greene .... Chip

Patrick Donovan .... Stu

90min

Ever see a movie that relishes being awful?

That knows it's low-budget and poorly made, so it compensates?

And usually when it compensates, it has one of a handful of means to do so:

1. Extreme amounts of gore / blood

2. Half-naked and / or naked chicks

3. Bizarre killing methods

Greenskeeper uses all of these. See if you can spot them at home!

Our hero starts off his morning with a series of dreams about his job as greenskeeper at a local golf course. It's not much of a job, and his high-society girlfriend just can't seem to live with it. And therefore, she dumps him on his birthday. This earns her serious bitch points.

But while Alan, the greenskeeper, isn't doing so well on this, his BIRTHDAY, there's a big event going on. That night, on cable, will be premiering a horror movie that everyone's been looking forward to seeing.

The Milkman.

No, you are NOT hallucinating. You just heard me say that a good chunk of this B-grade horror movie will be devoted to the watching of ANOTHER B-grade horror movie. It's twice the stink for your money!

Don't say Hollywood never gave you anything.

The movie takes a ninety degree turn downward when the rich kids decide they're going to have a party. Why, they even have plenty of "booze and crack!" Boy, what else do you need? But they have a problem. No place to hold the party! Hey... wait a minute... that rich girl, Mary Catherine's boyfriend -- you know, the callow one whose birthday is today -- he's the greenskeeper! They can get HIM to let them have a party after everyone else goes home! Yeah!

And for those of you who don't see trouble coming from a mile away, get a helmet. You're going to need it.

The movie carries on with demonizing the rich and a discussion of how PBS furthers the gay agenda. And no, not the Teletubbies... Sesame Street. Apparently old Mr. Snuffleupgus is a big concern....
[BB]
It doesn't take long for a gruesome murder to take place, which the country club's owner, Alan's stepdad, wants kept very quiet.

The worst of it is, the willowy, limpwristed, obviously gay cop doing the coverup? Officer Cox. Seriously. Again.

But now, we get our first glimpse of The Milkman, involving a zombie dairy man killing off promiscuous teen girls with large breasts while making none too subtle jibes about "jugs". Needless to say, Allen doesn't like it much, being a screenwriter...but his friends seem to appreciate it.

Then again, his friends are stoned. Which suggests something about these kinds of movies. Maybe I'd be less critical if I started getting baked before I saw them.

Naaaaah!

So it's a bit more of the same... half naked women being messily killed, and a few guys besides. The standard rules apply: if you're an evil, nasty individual, you will be killed.

Oh, yeah... and look for the "ball washer" to be used in a much more ironic way than you'd ever expect.

Warning in advance:

The last half-hour WILL make you question your own sanity as you watch a man being ridden across a room, like a horse, by a lingerie-clad woman, and Officer Cox being tied to his own chair while watching two men dance in police hats and little else. I'm gonna talk you down right now... any time you get to wonder, just read this:

Yes, you are seeing this.

No, you are not insane.

Yes, the last ten minutes IS stolen directly from Shakespeare's Hamlet.

No, the Milkman is NOT Clint Howard, much as he might look like it or remind you of it.

Greenskeeper comes with many special features, including trailer gallery for unfathomable titles "Firefight," "Mary Christmas" and "Fire Over Afghanistan," none of which have anything to do with Greenskeeper or its genre. Also included are filmographies of our Z-grade actors, closed captioning, and an original trailer, as well as audio options.

So, all in all, Greenskeeper as horror movie is pretty lousy. But then, it KNOWS it is, and responds accordingly. Call it a study project and you'll feel a lot better.

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