Star signs (Astrology for unbelievers)

Who could possibly believe in astrology? Lue is my name and SATIRE is my game!

Aries: Fire Child, prepare to be FIRED! Ever since you modulated your emphatic manner, it’s working against you. When Mercury comes into play, your breath will improve! Mars is not happy with you; stop it with those Rovers already! A Leo wants to lay you low, maybe under a bridge. This same Leo wants to steal your lucky blue underwear. Your lucky number is 69.

Taurus: Your moon is low, pull up your pants! Your stamina has changed to stubbornness. A gray cat will cast its eye on you around the 19th…change the stinkin’ litter box! That man left the toilet seat up, but don’t let it affect your focus! You’ll take good pics this week. Don’t get down. F-stop that! Just cuz it’s your sign, you don’t have to drive it. Your lucky number is 69.

Gemini: Your Venus and Neptune are at war with each other. Can’t you all just get along? You are an Air Sign, don’t be an airhead! Buy a tire gauge to check it. Get caller ID: That Someone is going to call. Buy lotto ticket on Tuesday. Paris Hilton is video-ing you. Report her to The Dept. Homeland Security, now! Your dearest dream calls you. Answer it! Your lucky number is 69.

Cancer: As of this date, no one knows about your teddy bear! Quit clutching your loved ones so close. Learn to stand on your own eight legs. Insults will bounce off your shell. Avoid all melted butter. Moonchildren fall in love with you and Jacko. Immediately sell all of your tobacco stocks and buy some Google. Really, fight EVERY urge to pinch anyone. Your lucky number is: 69.

Leo: Pluto leaves your fifth solar house for Yoko. Never bet on The Miami Heat. Learn to shoot free throws better. Your romance is headed south, you should head north. Pride goes before a fall off a financial cliff. Sell Merck, buy Pfizer. Like you & Charlie, most control freaks DON’T SURF - Ever! Get both of your armpits pierced on Tuesday evening. Your Lucky number is beta.

Virgo: The Harvest Goddess knows you file your undies and sox. There are still 2 dust-bunnies under the TV, you missed ‘em, haha! Your big adventure will only start if you leave your house. Today is the first day of the rest of your tortured existence. Get used to it! Viagra is not for you, but lumbar steroid injections are. Live long and struggle! Your lucky number is 34 and a half.

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Libra: Balance is unattainable! Perfection non-existent! Your love life will sizzle this summer if a certain Gemini overcomes his digital impairment. Don’t walk on wooden floor if you take the Pledge. Overtime is in your future, both at work, as well as in bed. Eat well to prepare. Practice lowering your force fields. Look for love at the end of your own wrist. Your lucky number is 69.

Scorpio: You just have to STOP stinging yourself in the damn foot. You are the luckiest of the all Star Kids. “!noroM ouY ,redraH yrT” Learn to read backwards. Your Pluto lives with Walt Disney. If you hesitate when it counts, someone else will get the Eggo. Any motivation works in a storm. Just be nimble, just be quick, and sleep with that blond guy, Rick. Your lucky number is 1600.

Sagittarius: We know you’re busy, quit yelling! The dollar sign enters Uranus. Now is no time to be betting the farm on anything. A room full of candles is to be avoided. Some mysterious cult called the Presbyterians is stalking you. Get a Cross pen. Buy T-Bonds and T-Cells. Some Virgo will help you with your laundry. Get on your knees & be very grateful. Your lucky number is 0.

Capricorn: Ease it, don’t RAM it! Things will pan out. That old rogue, Neptune, will have his way with you. Learn to laugh at those who don’t understand you. (which is everybody, except other Caps) Buy on the rumors, leave town on the news. Buy a mountain and make sure you make your usual molehill out of it. Get a very expensive lawyer, now! Your lucky number is -3.

Aquarius: On April 1st, a dark stranger with an EverReady battery will recharge you. Quit your job with Evian! Forget Venus! Only say yes at the end of the month. Your iron is hot, support your Union strikes. Avoid dawn like a vampire. Beware of El Nino! If you want a prince, kiss a frog, not a Frenchman. Pull a bank job, and go on her romantic get-away. Your lucky number is 666.

Pisces: What is that smell? A pink-eyed man will give you very good advice on the 12th. Listen, but don’t touch! The 330 pounds of dimes in your garage meet the cash need! STAND STILL, and Godzilla won’t eat you! Fish children belong in a school. Time for you to swim upstream. Let your hairs down. Always remember to put the toilet seat down. You have NO lucky number.

I think my prognostications are as valid as The United States Department of Defense’s are. Enjoy!

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