Religion is the Crack Cocaine of the Masses

With the election finally over, we can turn to the biggest social divider of our lifetime, religion. Like a fairy tale that has all of humanity enchanted, nobody seems to be able to break the 2000-year-old spell. Karl Marx's most quotable line had a simple meaning - religion helps people get through the day (and night). But is religion more than a placebo for what ails us, or is there substantial evidence that anchors it to our lives?

As children we are led to believe that Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy are real, only to have our dreams demolished before the age of 5 -- but Jesus and Moses continue to lull us to sleep every night. Was walking on water a real event or just an aquatic fish tale? Was the burning bush that talked, brought on by a disturbance in the temporal lobe caused by the physical exertion of climbing a mountain? Did anyone's ascension to the clouds happen without the effects of a magic mushroom elixir?

I'm a Jew. I've heard all the jokes and accusations that accompany being of the Semitic persuasion. I've always wondered if Jews really controlled the media wouldn't more people read this article? If the Hebrews really controlled all the money wouldn't I have more than a hundred dollars in my bank account? Countering the attacks that all religions face, the Jews have their fare share of hard line stances. Michelangelo carved the statue of Moses with horns coming out of his head. If Jews weren't seen as the devil before this event, they were certainly branded with the notion for centuries after. Not only is Mel Gibson unsure of the facts, but popular televangelist Jim Baker had it wrong as well. Jim Baker said the anti-Christ was Jewish and born in 1962 during the month of January. I was born in 1962 in April. He was off by three months.

I believe in Jesus, Mohammed and Moses as much as I believe in Krishna, Hanuman and Odin, and that is slightly just above how much I believe in Grumpy, Harry Potter and Batman. There is not one other piece of knowledge, besides religious icons, that we would accept based on just one book of text. If I were to have a book that proclaimed that I was the Messiah (and I do have such a book), would you accept my argument knowing that there was no other document to corroborate my story? Of course not - we like to have some way to back up stories, especially ones that we base fundamental belief systems on. It should be noted here, first brought to my attention by Robert Anton Wilson, that belief systems are nothing more than B.S.

Faith is a fickle mistress. Sometimes in order to get people to have faith we must pound it into their heads with repetitive droning - noted by G. Gordon Liddy, as an effective manner of brainwashing. Often I have had various members of the Christian faith show up, knocking on my door, wanting to let me know that if I don't believe, I will go to hell. Never have I had a Jew show up at my doorstep although they are the ones who could really use the numbers! 93-7% of America is made up of Christians of various denominations. Jew's make up a much smaller number, 1-2%. That means there are more Wiccans in our country than Jews. There are more people who worship trees than a burning bush in America. There are more people who believe that there is a half-man, half-goat who plays the pan pipe and roams the woods, than there are people who believe a bearded man with a walking stick parted the Red Sea. Side-by-side most religious stories look equally preposterous. Joseph Campbell, in his last speech, was firm in his tone that unless we find some common ground to walk into the future on—we are doomed.



A strong building needs a solid cornerstone and the foundation of Jews, Muslims and Christians rests on the shoulders of an Old Testament dude named Abraham. He lived between 2500-5000 years ago depending on how you gauge it. That's a decent amount of time to go from an oratorical story to text to get funnelled through a myriad of translations, only to arrive to modern day, unchanged. Have you ever played the game Telephone? Sentences have a way of getting garbled as they pass from ear to ear, let alone 5000 years! It is fanatical to say the words of "sacred" texts have not been modified to fit our screens.

Dawkins and the rest of the atheist nation aside, the decline in church memberships, and an abandonment of orthodox tenets are seeing this day's generation in tough times. I dispute the teachings of the prophets not to gleefully be a nihilist, punk rocker or sarcastic Jew; I seek a deeper truth. I want a glimmer of the transcendent and I would love a peek at a bonafide miracle—but I guarantee you that even if a blue skinned deity shows up at my doorstep promising salvation and a bag of chips, I will not be signing up for a membership. I've studied cults for too long to be a good candidate.

My girlfriend is a Born-Again Christian and I am a Porn-Again Jew. So when I bring home porn for the second night in a row she says, "Porn Again?" to which I reply, "Don't make fun of my religion." I kid. I kid, because I care. I've been to dozens of churches in the last 7 years, accompanying my girl in the quest for truth and community. Most of the time when we got to the, "Jews killed Jesus," part of the sermon, I want so bad to raise my hand it hurts. Unfortunately that caveat is not up for a Q & A. So I wait, hoping that I won't be spotted like Donald Southerland at the end of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. If religion is like a drug, I think I'll pass on the pipe.

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