Who Will Get MY Vote?

Most of the real issues that concern American citizens, no matter how common or important, will never be sexy enough to catch the headlines. I may as well give you my wish list of issues I want to see politicians discuss. These will be just as ignored as the others, so why not?

I will vote for ANY CANDIDATE that can promise to make these things happen.


1) I dont want to pay the postage on my tax return ever again! It is too much to ask that I pay lower or even NO taxes, but it is well within my rights to ask that I dont have to pay for the postage on my tax return. I pay my taxes every year and rarely get back any sort of refund. Thats just part of being an independent contractor. When I am sending off too large a piece of my hard-earned money, it is a horribly insulting slap in the face to add an extra thirty-seven cents to the mix! Come on, cant we get a postage paid envelope from the government for the tax return? Im sure that the government can write the entire expense off on their own returns or something. Having to pay that extra money for the stamp is the equivalent of being dumped by a girl, engaging in a lengthy argument and storming off, only to be stopped by your ex so she can yell, And youve got a REALLY SMALL PENIS! No more stamp and youve got my vote!

2) I want to make English the official language of the United States and pass a law requiring all citizens to become proficient in its use, especially if you have ANY type of job where youll interact with real people. Im all for respecting other peoples varied and beautiful cultures, living in the melting pot, and blah blah blah! If you want to preserve your culture, preserve it in ENGLISH! Im tired of trying to order a burger and needing a damn interpreter. If I moved to Japan, Id be EXPECTED to learn Japanese. If I lived in Mexico Id have to learn Spanish. If I lived in England - well, Id have to speak English. Bad example. Why not create a NEW form of English called American English. Think of the jobs you could create. Wed need language teachers, a new dictionary, new text books . . . Why, this could save this country from ruin. What can be MORE patriotic and Uh-Murican then having our own language? Make it so, Number One!

3) I would like to see In God We Trust removed from our money. We dont trust anybody in this country and God shouldnt get a pass. That damned phrase wasnt always on our cash because we understood what it meant to separate church and state. The churches want that phrase on our money but thats because THEY DONT PAY TAXES! If the churches want to start paying some of their money in taxes then Ill let the removal of the offensive phrase slide. Besides, some of us dont trust God at all. God allowed 9/11, 8 Track tapes, disco music & Beanie Babies to happen. I cant keep on trusting this guy! Apparently all I can trust God to do is provide great athletic performances and let Mariah Carey win Grammy Awards. Removing the phrase will honor the Constitution AND piss off Jerry Falwell. A win/win situation, Id say.

4) The Chicago Cubs MUST win the World Series once before I die. Use all means necessary even if it means invading New York, Atlanta or Florida. Thats all I have to say about that.

5) I want a law requiring all political candidates to remove each and every damned campaign sign from every sign post, alley wall, lawn and billboard within two weeks after an election is held. Im STILL finding places with tattered Dukakis for President signs. You made the mess, you clean it up!

6) I want to be able to fire government employees - ALL government employees - whenever they are not doing their jobs. Theres a great little perk to a cushy government job in the U.S.. That perk: it is nearly impossible for a person to lose their job, even due to gross incompetence. There is no consequence for failure or inefficiency. Theoretically, a Postal worker could crap on the counter at the Post Office while giving me my change and that guy would still have a job the next day. This is a total crock! It provides all government employees an excuse to do their job poorly and it throws out the concept of accountability. Take away this silly clause for everyone from the guy who delivers my mail to the highest office in the land & you will have a vote from me.

7) If you can find a way to make Renaissance Fairs, Civil War reenactments, and Carrot Top movies illegal that would be appreciated.

The last three all pertain to voting and the ballots used to vote.

8) Find the cash, give it to the states, and make it possible for all 50 states to use the exact same ballots, the exact same voting machines, and the exact same voting procedures. Make the process simple, the ballots easy to read (and RE-READ IF NECESSARY), and make our country follow one simple set of rules. While youre at it, the machines and ballots must be made by a politically independent company. If you want to fix your elections in Florida or anywhere else, do it the old fashioned way: kill dissenting voters & intimidate other voters into your way of thinking. If you cant do this simple little thing then you have no choice but to ban Florida from the Union and disallow all votes cast by the feeble-minded or the elderly. This should prevent both George Bushes, and 80% of Florida, from fucking up the election again.

9) When making those ballots be sure to include a None of the Above option. There are emergency procedures in place for when an elected official dies, becomes incapacitated, gets a cold, etc. Create a system that will allow for a temporary, or even the incumbent, official to run things while suitable, BETTER candidates can come out and gain the publics trust. It is insulting to everyone involved that we have been stuck with having to vote AGAINST someone as opposed to voting FOR someone for so many years. If we dont like the idiots on the ballot, what better way to express the COUNTRYS opinion then to display a mandate for change like a whopping None of the Above winner? Suck on that, Electoral College!

10) Finally, we MUST outlaw the straight party ticket voting. For those unfamiliar with this, straight party ticket voting is where a voter need only punch one button or make one single selection to vote for all the candidates in one specific party. Since the U.S. really only acknowledges two parties, this means that you can vote for everyone in the Republican or Democratic party with one stroke of a pen. I suppose if all businesses are required by law to give employees one hour out of the day to vote, then we have the right to maximize our time away from the office.

Straight party voting is, quite simply, for slothful morons . If you dont have the time to learn a little about all the candidates in order to make an informed vote and guarantee that the most qualified person gets the job, then you dont deserve to live in the good old U.S. of A. Straight party voting assumes that Americans are ignorant and stupid. Sadly, it appears that we are because many people take advantage of this voting feature, making a mockery of the precious vote we are all promised in a democracy.

People who blindly back a political party have no concern for the wants and needs of the people in the country. Folks who use this voting option care nothing about the advancement and betterment of the country as a whole. They simply want their team to win. This team mentality, while fine if watching baseball or NASCAR races, cripples the country, and those who put the party before the people should be ashamed of their lazy simpleton actions.

As Ive stated in the past I dont like to discuss politics because of how many people dont allow for dissenting opinion. They discount your beliefs in order to bolster their own fragile egos. They make folks who are hoping to make the world a better place feel uncomfortable and sorry for engaging in casual talk about important things. Mostly, they make blanket statements about how things would be if so-and-so won any given election, even though theres NO WAY to prove their statement. Well Id like to make an impossible statement of my own. Even though it cannot be proven I am confident that it is completely true.

On September 11, 2001, as an aircraft was plunged into the Pentagon, when passengers overtook the terrorists and foiled an evil plot by steering the plane into the Pennsylvania soil, as the Twin Towers collapsed into ruin, not a single person thought to himself, I sure am glad I am a Republican. Nobody said, Thank GOD I am a Democrat. There were no people crying, Dont blame me. I voted for Nader.

No, people were likely wondering who would take care of their families. They feared for their lives. They hoped all the trust theyd been putting in God would help them in this time of need. They wondered what would become of the world they were leaving behind. They also didnt give a damn about gay marriage, Bush and Kerrys war records, and whether or not there were weapons in Iraq.

PEOPLE died that day. PEOPLE. As we watched the horror on our TV screens we wanted to know, "How can we help those people?" PEOPLE need help in this country every day. Political afiliations should have nothing to do with it all.

Want More Tales from Andy Land? Check out Andy's BLOG or Click HERE to Read Andy's Past Works at The Cheers.

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