A few years ago I had wished I had a gay friend. All of my friends were heterosexual. After watching programmes like Sex and the City, Will and Grace and Are You Being Served? I longed for a gay male mate I could go shopping with and who would be brutally honest and tell me my arse actually did look too huge in that skirt.
I wanted someone who would hilariously bitch about people we hated, and call me darling or sweetie all the time (instead of the faghag I should have been called). Superficial? Me? I know, and I should be ashamed of myself.
Little did I know that only a couple of years later, instead of acquiring a new gay friend, one by one, three of my closest friends, followed by a close relative, would come out to me. Each time, I got more and more pass about the experience. The person would be nervous, shaking at times. When they finally spluttered out the revelation I think they were disappointed with my been there, done that reaction.
What I realise now is that I didnt want a gay friend I was after camp. Surprise, surprise! Television had tricked me into a false reality again. It turns out not all gay men are camp! I had no idea that my friends were gay: they were about as camp as a Hell's Angel.
However, one thing seems to be patterned in their behaviour. It seems that none of them called themselves 'gay' until meeting someone of the same sex that they happened to want to be in a relationship with, and none of them even want to be termed gay. It is not that theyre ashamed or in denial. It is in fact from what I believe to be a completely enlightened point of view.
Instead of getting into a relationship with someone because of the genital parts they have, they instead go out with someone because they like them, or because they love them. They dont deny that in time they could end up with someone of the opposite sex, but it is just as likely that they won't. In terms of categorisation I suppose bisexual would sum it up, but this term, unfortunately, seems to have been hijacked by girls who want to impress men and turn them on by kissing their best friend.
In any case, is there even any need to categorise sexuality anymore? How many of us can truly say we are 100% heterosexual or homosexual? Very few I think. Of course, some people would never even think of having a sexual experience with the same or opposite sex. It just wouldnt do it for them, and the choice is, of course, everyones prerogative.
Perhaps this way of choosing someone to be in a relationship with could develop
into a new trend of sexuality. I can only think of it as a good thing. For one, it would save people having to go through that horrible 'coming out' stage. Most importantly, if we are supposed to love someone for who they are and not what they look like then this seems the model way in which to put this theory into practicality. Too idealistic? Perhaps. As the world we currently live in seems to filling with more and more hatred, surely love should be accepted in whatever form it comes. Afterall, a stab at gaining the ideal world wouldn't go amiss.
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In an ideal world I too think that no-one would need to define themselves. But currently people who are attratced to people of the same sex, whatever label they choose, are structurally discriminated against at almost every level of their lives - sometimes within their family, sometimes within their friendships, often within their workplace, healthcare, certainly in terms of not having the rights associated with marriage and co-parenthood, and even in death. I hold onto my 'label', which happens to be lesbian, because it feels like it is a way of objecting to these forms of discrimination and oppression. If I can name something about why I am oppressed, and see that others share that sense of oppression, because they chose to share the label, then I can feel a sense of identity which is not defined by discourses which oppress me because of my choice of partner. So yes, I'd certainly like to be unlabelled, but not until I can also be equal.
mickey says on 2004-07-27 03:05:05 about
thisis just a cool article. never thought of it like that!
Elizabeth says on 2004-07-24 10:59:06 about
You have a wonderful sense of the way things trully are, beyond stereotypes and beyond labeling. I think that you have given vioce to numerous people who have a very complicated but very real way of defining or rather 'un'defining sexuality.
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