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A Look at Anorexia

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I gave up on her.    Those 5 words will haunt me forever.  I gave up on her.  It still kills me.  It kills me because even though I thought I was doing the right thing, theres still that little part of me that says that maybe I could have done something, anything, to change what happened.  

Abby developed anorexia a little over a year ago, but none of us really noticed.  It wasn't like there were any glaring signs.  She didn't eat at lunch, but neither did most kids.  And yeah, she was skinny, but she'd always been that way.  It wasn't like she'd lost huge amounts of weight or anything. 

 

You know, I might be okay with it if she was really gone.  But its the fact that shes still here and that I cant reach her.  Its that empty look in her eyes when I smile at her.  Its that pain that shoots down my spine when she brushes past me like I dont exist.  Thats what really hurts.  

I think the first big clue that something was wrong was when Abby started hurting people, especially the ones closest to her.  She kept pushing me away, and she broke up with her boyfriend, Andrew, for no apparent reason.  But I never equated it to her having anorexia.  That was the last thing on my mind when she started treating me badly.

           

You know, its weird, but I think that I still feel sympathy pains for her.  I remember when we were younger and she would hurt herself dancing.  I would always know before she told me because I would feel the same pain she felt.  Now I wake up in the middle of the night, sweating, with my stomach in knots, and I look over at her picture on my nightstand and I know that wherever she is, shes hurting, too.  

I kept trying to figure out why Abby was treating me so badly.  At first I thought it was something I was doing or saying, but no matter how I changed, nothing helped.  I finally realized that whatever was going on had nothing to do with me, but anorexia continued to be the last thing on my mind.  I was entirely too busy being angry with Abby for deserting me to think that anorexia could possibly have anything to do with it.  I eventually became so frustrated at feeling insufficient when I was around her that I gave up trying.

           

There are days when Ill pick up the phone and dial her number, even though she never answers the phone anymore.  I just want to hear her voice on the answering machine.  Its the voice she used to have, the voice that was full of life.  Now its dead.  It says the same words, but they dont mean anything now.  

Looking back, giving up was probably the worst thing I could do, but I was just so jaded, so worn out from trying to reach the old Abby.  I missed her, but I knew that even if I continued to be her best friend, I would still miss her.  She was so much different now than she'd been before.  The old Abby was gone, and there was a new, unfeeling, cold Abby in her place.

 

       

I wish she knew what she was doing.  I wish she knew how many people she was hurting, and how much shes hurting herself.  I wish that there was something I could say, something I could do, to show her that.  Or even just to show her that I still care about her, that I still love her.

 

Now that I realize what is happening to Abby, it's too late.  On the rare instances when she even talks to me, her face is cold and her voice is empty, and I know that wherever

the real Abby is, I can't reach her.  I'm pretty sure that there isn't much anyone can do at this point.  Abby is so sick, so frail and fragile.  There's probably little hope of a physical recovery even if someone could reach her emotionally.  Her parents know, and so does her psychologist, but nothing's helping, not medication or therapy or feeding tubes, and I think everyone knows that.

 

Shes gone, and Im pretty sure shes not coming back.  And thats going to hurt for a really, really long time.  Probably forever.  I always thought that people with anorexia got better.  Thats what they used to tell me.  But they lied.  Theres no cute anecdote that will make me feel better, no medicine to make her healthy again.  I guess thats how real life works out sometimes.  There just arent any happy endings.   

I try not to think about Abby anymore.  It hurts too much.  As much as I wish she would get better, I've prepared myself to face the fact that she probably won't.  Anorexia took away my best friend, and it isn't as if I have any means of revenge. But I guess that soon, Abby won't feel any more pain.  She deserves that, at least. You want to know the real truth about anorexia?

 

Anorexia murders. 

 

There you have it.  That's pretty much the only truth I can offer. But maybe, just maybe, there's some other truth hidden inside Abby. And I guess it's worth one more try...because I'd really like to find another truth.






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yaz says on 2008-09-19 18:34:25 about anorexia
heya, reading your story about "it" taking your best friend. i feel for you beacuse, i had it once but fankfully over came it i mean yeah i still have good days and bad days where i think should i go back but i know deep inside that its not the way atall. try to tell her that she either wants to live or die, shes wants to live her life really beacause there are so many oppertunities out there and not to let someone else take those oppertunities away from her and that not to give up giving up is for weak people but i guess thats what the voice in her head is telling her that eating is for weak people well its not because everyone has to eat shes no different from everyone else although she is special in her own way just like everyone else but everyones different but everyone knows that you have to eat to stay alive. try and talk to her if she doesnt listen say to her im not going to give up on you as much as you want me to im not going to beacuse i love you too much to see you get hurt any more. Yes it does hurt going through what your going through my mum tells me all the time how much pain she was in when she seen me go though what i went through and i dont like the fact that upset her, and also the fact that i let some voice in my head take full control of what i ate when i ate who i liked who i spoke to when i had a shower when i got up out of bed etc..., but just stand there strong by her side and soon she will realises what she is doing it may take a while for her to get back on track but no matter what everyone can overcome this its just a case of her speaking about her problems. keep your chin up it will get better i promise
(even though you dont know me) but i no that it will because shes got people like you supporting her x









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Lauren Slemenda
Journalist for "Indianapolis Star"




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