Welcome to Los
Angeles, the weirdest show on Earth! Step right up...L.A.'s got what your
looking for! We've got it all! Step
right up, don't be shy! The big show's just about to begin! Step right up!
The city of Los
Angeles has a population of over 1.7 million. Los Angeles County adds to that total, as least as
much. Of all the 3.4 million or more souls inhabiting that sexy turf known as L.A., it would be fair to
say: not even half of them are what you, or I, would call anywhere near
normal. Welcome to my world! Hey there, step right up, it's almost
showtime!
I assume most of you are tourists, but don't worry,
in Circus L.A. if you’re not rich,or not famous, then you'll be treated
like a tourist. For some of us, it can actually be an upgrade.
Yes, that's right, step right aboard my big red
tour bus. We're about to see some sides of L.A. you don't ever hear about. There's room for everybody. Step right up, secure your seatbelts, it's
time to go visit The Circus L.A.!
It's my opinion: Most residents here really aren't
all that smart: I'm convinced that half of the people in L.A. moved here...because it was easy to
spell!
Don't be frightened by the freeway traffic, that's
why our tour is scheduled for 2 AM. It's a well known fact that nobody, who's
anybody, does freeway traffic when all those weirdos are crowding the lanes! I
got your Sig-Alert, right here!
On to our next stop in the Circus L.A. We'll cruise
past Chavez Ravine's Dodger Stadium. It's a memorium to when we had
professional baseball here. Barry Bonds, of dubious home run fame, bought the
joint back in 2005. During the off season, He came in and personally reduced
the whole place to a concrete rubble. On we go!
Here's some background information: The U.S. Census
Bureau reports that every 20 seconds, America's population increases by
one person. (births, legal immigrants, and illegal immigrants that overstay
visas, Guantanemo
Bay excluded) If you do
the math, (it took me two bombers and four hours) that means every day our
population goes up by at least 4320 people. As we get to our second
cruise sight on the circus midway, the downtown bus station, I figure at least 72.5
people, of those 4320, will show up here, today. (72.5 because, quite a few are pregnant) That's
72.5 freaking people every day of the freaking year!
Now, as we circle the bus station, I want everybody
to shout and yell at the newest arrivals as loud as you can: " GO
BACK! YOU CAN’T MAKE IT HERE!
GO BACK TO YOUR HOMES!" They won't listen, of course, but
at least, we'll be able to say, we warned them! " GO BACK HOME!
"
In many repects, Los Angeles is a lot like Las Vegas!
Except, in Los Angeles,
our losers...never leave town!
We're not headed for Disneyland or Magic Mountain.
We're going to West L.A.! Known to all
insiders as having the very best rides on the planet! What? Yes Ma'am, that was
indeed a sex joke! No Ma'am, you didn't laugh...sorry! No Ma'am, the bearded lady
and the midgets are on the Hollywood
Boulevard trip, not this one! No Ma'am, not West Hollywood! We got stopped there last month during a Bi-Sexual
Parade! But, they broke it up after
ten minutes because...Nobody knew which way to go!
(Is this a bus tour group...or an oil
painting??) Onward we go!
(Smoke 'em, if you got 'em!)
What Ma'am? No, we won't be stopping in Beverly Hills this trip.
Why? Well, there's a $200 security deposit for tourists to go in Beverly Hills, Bel Air, or Brentwood
after midnight. And trust me on this, those in there, consider us out
here, tourists. Yes Ma'am, you're right!
Yep, it's been that way, ever since the OJ trial!
We will exit the I-10 freeway south and do a drive
by in Culver City,
where a once great studio was, that's now owned by an electronics firm. See, on the left, that's where they filmed
"Gone with The Wind!" Now, they make DVDs there. Here's the shocker
of our trip: We'll drive around back to the 1400 foot deep crater. It was created when our Supreme Court ruled
it was OK to tape TV shows! (Somethin' just blew up!) This sinkhole is now being used as a
recycling dump. It's 1400 feet deep, and 900 feet across. Back in the
'80's,nobody thought we would ever fill it up. But it's getting filled with all
the crushed hopes and dreams found discarded on our back streets. Every day, dump
trucks, and dump trucks full, come here, and unload. Take a picture folks, it's
quite a sight! On we go!
At a cruising height of over six feet, and
maintaining a minimum speed of 55 mph for security, we
kill all our cockpit lighting onboard, and see if we can skim past The People's
Republic of Santa Monica. This where rent control
started, so they really don't welcome strangers.Notice all the razor and barbed
wire fencing! Now, everybody get real low, we're passing a sentry post...Oooh,
that one's got a machine gun nest...quiet...maybe their dogs won't alert this
time! Whoooosh! That was close!
Everybody's OK now, you can sit up. We're all safe now!
We're going to slide up on the I-10 / I-405N ski
jump, and exit into Westwood, on Sunset Blvd.
Hey, lookit the homeless guy with the sign! It says: "Will work for U2
tickets!" What a crackup! Now, attention all passengers! We're gonna kill all the lighting
again...everybody get low! Yes, Ma'am,
just like last time. We're gonna try to
sneak up Dead Man's Curve, past the Hotel California to our last stop, The
Sunset Strip! Everybody stay low, and be quiet! Run silent, run deep!
Zooom zoooooomers!
(Representing the five mile trip in awed silence)
OK, folks, We're here! This is Sunset Blvd and
Doheny Street. There's Gil Turner's! He sells liquor to the Stars! Two blocks
that way is the Roxy Theater and Rainbow Grill.
Three blocks the other way is The Whisky a GoGo. Take a stroll! There
are lots of side shows! Another fifteen blocks that way is The World Famous
Comedy Store! Careful, Pauley Shore is there! C'mon take a walk, it's our Big
Top, and three ring rolled into a single urban spectacle! Hey, there's Hugh
Grant's hooker! This will be the best Circus L.A. offers. Keep your eyes open,
it's the glitzy-est freak show on this good Earth! All passengers out now...take a walk! The big show's just about to start! Welcome
to Circus L.A.! Heyah, heyah, step right up! It's the strangest show on Earth!
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