Notes From POOR LUE: May 2005

(Hunter S. Thompson ended gonzo journalism and his life recently. In tribute, I flew to Vegas on a friend’s credit card, checked into Caesar’s Palace, and then proceeded to gamble and drink and smoke as much as I could before passing out. I’d like to think these notes from Poor Lue would make him laugh one last time!) Red tape, Washington bureaucrats, and some poor choices by Amtrak have resulted in turning America’s national rail system into a HUGE TRAIN WRECK!

Wall Street’s stock market FLIRTS with the fabled 11,000 mark…Then, drops it like a blind date that won’t put out!

The new President of Iraq is finally chosen and sworn in! So far, he has totally REFUSED to wear that jacket with the target sewn on the back!

The Iraqi Intelligence Agency has arrested two of the most violent insurgents. Achmed bin there and Muhammad dun that, from IDIOTS without Borders! Both escaped into Syria using birkas the next day!

The UN’s Coffi Anon compares Jimmy Carter to George Bush Jr. Coffi says Jimmy Carter may have lusted in his heart, but in actuality, George Bush Jr. LUSTED in Iraq and Afghanistan!

“This war isn’t about OIL. It’s about DADDY!”

Bush had an easy time in his prime time news conference. Reporters soft balled him so much; it smelled like a West Wing sponge bath!

President Bush’s wife, Laura, did five minutes of comedy at The White House Correspondents Dinner! It was part of her “NO Joke Left Behind” Program!

Laura warns the Democrats blocking judicial nominations in the Senate: ONLY her husband has a REAL nuclear option!

Laura wants our new United Nations rep to be MICHAEL Bolton! Ironically, it turns out that her twin daughters learned how to party from their Mom!

Mrs. Bush will get her own TV show on FOX this fall: America’s FUNNIEST FIRST LADIES!

Laura was funny! She could be the next Rosie O’Donnell or Ellen DeGeneres! Without the lesbian part, of course!

Hey, if you think Laura Bush is funny, you should have seen Eleanor Roosevelt! Now, Britain’s Queen Elizabeth wants to do ten minutes (of jokes) on Camilla!

In retrospect, ya really gotta admit: that Pope, John Paul two, He really kicked some pious ass, didn’t he?

Mein Kampf hits the bestseller list in Turkey! The customers were confused: Most say they thought the book was a camping guide!

Unruly protestors from Venus screw up Earth Day celebrations! The Venusians demand that a day be named for their planet, too!

The Eagles and The Rolling go on the road again! Both tours will be sponsored by Geritol and Depends undergarments!

14% of the people asked said they had interrupted sex, to answer the phone! And, after taking the phone call, most of then finished ALONE!

New study says teenage girls are now abusing steroids. Abusing steroids, isn’t that what happened to Martina Navatrilova?

ABC Network loses Monday Night Football! Now, Al and John will have to do color and commentary for Desperate Housewives!

It was Yogi Berra who said: “ If Mark Twain is dead, and Shanaya Twain isn’t, then, never the Twains shall meet!

Bye bye, Robbie! Bye bye, Hunter! Bye bye, John Paul 2! Go in Peace!

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