Rubber Ain't Just for Juggling Balls

As an entertainer, I have been asked to work some rather unusual events. This is a story about the one that got away. I didnt turn down the gig. The client revoked their request for my services because my booking policies were unreasonable.

I was asked to work a party being thrown by a business called the House of Whacks. This is a major supplier of fetish and bondage gear for consenting adults. Not only was I undisturbed by this, but at the time, I was dating a girl who was more than familiar with the product (thereby making me familiar), so I wasnt really shocked. After all, Im a red-blooded, porn-watching American male and having worked for both circuses AND carnivals, NOTHING shocked or surprised me. I know it takes all kinds of people to make a world and sex is one area where it seems all bets are off when it comes to personal taste.

The client HAD to have a juggler greeting people at the door of the party, wearing bondage gear and juggling sex toys, such as dildos, paddles and the like. I was told that she had called EVERY entertainer in the Chicago area (which I know is an extensive list) and was upset to see that nobody would take on this gig. She even told me I could come to the store and try out their stock items to see what I could...uh...come up with.

I told her that I would be more than willing to do the job but due to the nature of this performance, I had a few stipulations. These were to protect my business and identity so I didnt kill my steady amount of family & corporate work. First of all, I wanted to wear a mask of some kind. I figured this would be the easiest request to fill. The damn store had plenty of leather or latex bondage masks with a zipper mouth and slits for eyes. Why would it seem strange for me to wear one at this party (hey, when in Rome)? Next, my fee would be somewhat higher than normal for the customization and the potential for losing work (thus, the dildo tax was born). Finally, I didnt want my name featured in any of the promotional fliers nor did I want it in any subsequent press clippings. Honestly, how much work would Andy the Dildo Juggler get at your local park district?

I thought these were reasonable requests and I went into detail explaining that these terms were not to reflect any judgment upon the people attending the party. My position: while there is nothing abnormal about the clientele at the event, the potential for losing family and corporate work was very high. Many of the people attending this event could very well have been folks on Little Johnnys Cub Scout Blue and Gold Dinner committee (the fetish industry extends far beyond the corporate world and is widely enjoyed by people youd never expect to see wearing a strap-on). That being said, while I was not discriminating against the party-goers, I was confident that THEY would discriminate against me if they encountered me in their daily lives. Come on, would YOU hire the man who was balancing a 2 foot long cock on his head to entertain at your church?

You want me to juggle WHAT?
[BB]
What most people dont know is that entertainers may do many more things than what was seen at the time you watched their act. Most people who have seen me perform at two different events and recognized me have always said, I didnt know you did that! They only remembered me from my last performance. I wanted to avoid a REALLY awkward meeting at a future event where the client and I knew exactly why we looked so familiar to each other, but just couldnt say why. Or worse, what if I had an audition a week later for Disneyland and the talent scout was Mistress Jasmine from the party sans latex skirt, stiletto heels and leash, and I lost the gig because she cant get the image of me doing my paddle-ball trick out of her head? More importantly, I wasnt going to be the guy who heard, Youre not going to do the...uh'sword' swallowing act at Bobbys fourth birthday party are you?

Surprisingly, the client was outraged with my special contract rider provisions and thought I was being superior and judgmental. She went on to give me a long dissertation about the fetish industry and its clients. Angrily, she told me about some of the worlds most powerful people she had on her customer list, an action that I thought would surely reinforce my need for anonymity and discretion. The discussion lead to a dissertation about my prudish viewpoints.

Say HI to your mom, Mistress Jasmine.

The client thought wearing a mask was outrageous because I should be proud to work one of the most prestigious and expensive parties in the world. She claimed my price (a very reasonable one considering that I was the ONLY act whod agree to the gig) was an insult that wreaked of extortion. The horse-whip that broke the submissives back was asking to keep my name out of the press. She went on to explain that photographers from Skin Magazine, the worlds most widely read fetish publication would be there and the potential for free advertising was incredible. My favorite part was where she said, I thought there was no such thing as bad publicity! Apparently she was rather used to being photographed with sex toys. Strangely, MY press kit was particularly devoid of any such photos.

She clearly didnt see my point of view and I gave her the number of a performance artist I knew who was exceptionally gifted with her body and might be able to accommodate the clients requests if not the two foot dildo as well. I never heard how the party went nor did I find out whom they had hired. I am acquainted with an area juggler who, when working comedy clubs, will go out into the audience and beat hecklers over the head with a giant latex member. He juggles, balances, and puts on a good show performing rubber-dick tricks. I like to think that my absence from this particular job may have helped launch a budding young career. If this is the case, Ive never received a commission check! At the least I think I deserve a coupon for the House of Whacks.

For more information about Andy Martello, visit his website at www.andymartello.com. Most assuredly, you will not find any "special" press kit photos (He saves those for his Christmas cards!).

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