IF I Were King...

We’ve all thought it. Thinking about it doesn’t do any harm. I’m not sure about you, but I’d make a whole lot of changes. Oh, the changes you and I would make, if only, we were King of the World!

Now, don’t get hinky on me. I’ve thought it out. As King of the World, when I’m done with these five obvious changes, I’ll resign. Or, you can shoot me and reorganize the government on your Plan B. Same-same!

First: I will unveil my newest discovery. It’s a sub-atomic particle process I call The Nanno-Stopper. It slows molecular flow like a duck in molasses, preventing the vital chain reaction. When activated, The Nanno-stopper renders all nuclear weapons on Earth completely unworkable. This will stop us from blowing up the planet! At the same time, it will completely piss off anyone who has nukes. The funny part is: It’s actually fueled by Soy Sauce.

The bad news is now everything will smell like Chinese food for a while.

Second: There will be a law insisting individuals learn to how read as a condition to getting food. To get better food, you’d have to graduate from middle school. To get some Chocolate goodies, you would have to learn to use a computer. To get wine, beer, or booze, it’ll take enrollment in college. To smoke cigarettes, or use a Jacuzzi, you’ll have to graduate. Vote, and Do Jury Duty, you get free bananas for life! Read two hundred books: Now, you can own a car! WRITE a book, get a free trip to Las Vegas! (That’s true now) Complete your Masters Degree, you’ll be allowed to exceed the speed limit by 30 mph, forever! Those folks who educate themselves will always be able to do more than those who don’t.

Third: ALL ventriloquists, mimes, and impressionists are really twisted souls. So they will be forced to perform for each other only, for the rest of all eternity.

Fourth: Let’s do good, exactly where good needs to be done. Let’s start by building pharmaceutical factories in African nations to make and distribute AIDS drugs to patients free and faster! Order Merck, Pfizer, Lily, and all the other rich pill boys would drag their butts and go help where they are needed most. Along this line of thinking, I’ll also move The Crest and Oral B companies into Great Britain. The Hooked on Phonics people will take over all Canada. I will order the rock band REM to do a gnarly concert in Tallinn, Estonia. Listerine, Right Guard, and Nair will open massive factories in France! Aerial spraying of Valium and Prozac commences over the entire Middle East.

Fifth: Everybody on the planet gets their own pair of Nikes, and a large helium balloon! 'Leggo Land' will invent the five-person, low-cost house. It would cost a mere $1000. It’s red, yellow, and blue. Before 2010, we will export ten million worldwide, except in flood zones, tornado zones, or The Republic of Santa Monica. Lastly, no one will be allowed to sing We Are The World, in public, ever again.

That’s all; revoke the ventriloquist thingy if it’s too personal to me. I resign! Effective immediately, I am no longer your good luck to the next guy in line ( BANG-BANG! Ha Ha, missed me!). Long live The New King!

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