In The Beginning

From the geographical study our world history we all know: In the beginning, our world consisted of one land mass known as Pangea. All the rest of the world was covered by water. Right in the very center of this land mass, like a pimple on an elephants back, was our beautiful snow capped mountain called Mount Perry. It was no wonder Zog the Terrible chose this spot to land his giant space ship.

Zog, thinking he’d claimed the entire world for himself and wanting to name the land mass in his own name, was shocked to find the place was already called Pangea. After spending several years hunting over the huge land mass for whomever had named the place Pangea, Zog settled down and began thinking of how he could improve his surroundings.

Looking out over the land mass from atop Mount Perry, the place looked rather bleak, no vegetation, trees or flowers except for some nasty looking brown algae growing by the great salt sea at the very edge of the land mass. Not a very attractive start to life on this planet.

Having been a gardener on his home planet, Zog decided to build a garden at the foot of Mount Perry, next to a river which flowed year around from the melting glacier atop Mount Perry itself. Zog dragged out his box of seeds and began planting. It time, he had a beautiful garden growing next to the river with trees, flowers, and grass in abundance. It was getting to be an awful lot of work for just one space man.



Zog decided he needed help maintaining his ever expanding garden. Scooping up some of the nuclear waste material from one of his rocket motors, he irradiated some of the nasty looking brown algae. The result was the creation of Yodar Hoopelhoffer The First. Zog immediately set Yodar to work in his new garden and instructed him in what to do and how. Among the instructions was: He must, under no conditions, eat the fruit of a specific tree Zog called, “The Tree Of Carnal Knowledge”.

Yodar wasn’t the brightest of lights but he had a strong back, a pleasing disposition, and was very willing to work without pay. After all, in this new world, what would one do with a pay check if he had one?



However, as the years passed, Yodar looked lonely and Zog took pitty on him. One night he swiped one of Yodar’s ribs as he slept, and created a woman to keep Yodar company. This was the world’s first unlawful Organ Donation.



Again, Zog instructed them both; they must never eat the fruit of The Tree Of Carnal Knowledge.



Things went well for Zog’s little family of people and they both did as instructed. Yodar named his companion Yevette. The two of them got along well, even though Yevette considered herself smarter than both Zog and Yodar. She began to nag at Yodar and issue orders to him about how he should not track dirt into their home and such. Yodar was confused by most of what Yevette wanted especially the tracking of dirt into their home. Their home had a dirt floor.

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One day, in an effort to please Yevette, Yodar began sweeping the floor of their home. Yevette finally stopped him after the floor of their home had been swept down two feet lower than the level of the earth outside, and water ran into the home every time it rained.



Then according to the history of the world, a snake appeared in The Tree Of Carnal Knowledge, and began urging Yevette to eat of the fruit of the tree. A TALKING SNAKE? Where the Hell did this come from? Anyhow, history records Yevette weakened and not only ate the fruit of the tree, but nagged Yodar until he did the same.



Zog was understandably unhappy and cast the two of them out of his garden. Shortly thereafter, Yevette gave birth to two boys, Cane and Unable. This is where history becomes a bit confusing. Suddenly, Unable is found out in the fields tending a flock of sheep. Cane, in a fit of jealous rage, slew Unable.



Lets review the facts here: Zog created Yodar and Yevette, He placed them in his garden to maintain it. The history of Mount Perry clearly states there were only three people on the face of the earth at this time. Some ne'er-do-well tampered with history and suddenly we have a talking snake living in The Tree Of Carnal Knowledge. Where did this snake come from and who maintained that Yevette heard it talk to her. Lets face it: Yevette, thinking she was smarter than both Zog and Yodar was the only one in recorded history to hear a snake talk. There is something badly wrong with this story.



Now we have Cane and Unable out in a grassy field surrounded by sheep. Then Cane slew Unable. Where did these sheep come from? Haven’t we already been told that the world outside Zog’s garden was a barren plain with nothing growing?



The next chapter in the history of the world indicates Cane slew Unable in a fit of jealous rage. Jealous over what? All that existed outside of the garden was this grassy plain and a bunch of sheep.



The very next chapter has Cane returning to the town of Mount Perry where the outraged citizens stoned him to death for killing his brother.



Now wait just a minute here! Zog landed on a barren world and planted a garden. To help him tend his garden, he created Yodar Hoopelhoffer the First. Then because Yodar looked so lonely, Zog made a woman for him, and Yodar called her Yevette.



Now correct me if I’m wrong, but this tally's to only three people living in a garden and on Mount Perry in an otherwise land devoid of life. I can understand the concept of Yodar and Yevette having two children and one killing the other but at this point in history, by my count, there are only three people on the whole continent of Pangea.



Where the hell did this talking snake come from and who the blazes said it ever talked? Only Yevette. She, of course, needed someone to blame for telling her to eat the forbidden fruit. What more natural patsy than the poor snake, if indeed there ever was a talking snake in the first place.



In all of recorded history, no one has ever heard a snake talk again. Wouldn’t this be one hell of a great defence in court today if all we had to say was, “The snake told me to do it!” and we’d get off scott-free like Yevette did?



Now we have to address the issue of Cane returning to the town of Mount Perry and the outraged citizens stoning him to death for killing his brother. Town? Citizens? Where did all this come from all of a sudden? Yodar and Yevette must have been terribly busy while Cane was out in the field killing his brother.



Could it be that our world history needs to be reexamined?...

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