Need an Education? Kentucky Wants to Help!

I have always had a love/hate relationship with Kentucky. For a short period of time, I could expect unusual things to happen to me whenever I entered the state (SEE: A Clown in Kentucky). Kentucky is a Midwestern state filled with Easterners & it pretends to be a Southern state. Prior to my first visit to the state, all Id ever known about the place was the Kentucky Derby, Colonel Sanders, and My Old Kentucky Home. I was aware of a part in the state known as Kentuckiana and another known as Hamiltucky, but other than those insignificant things I didnt know what to expect from the Bluegrass State.



Kentucky's #1 Citizen!What my travels did reveal was an abundance of stupid people. Now, if youre a Kentucky native or resident dont get your culottes in a bunch. If you are an intelligent and coherent Kentuckian then Im not talking about YOU. There are stupid people in every state and I met ALL OF THEM in Kentucky during my visits.

I also met some very rude people as well. I got a little Southern hospitality but that was immediately followed by some very coarse language and stern rejections from the locals. My theory was I got this treatment from the locals because I worked for a circus and these people didnt trust carnies." By the way, there is a HUGE difference between a carnival worker and a circus performer. I don't have the time to explain, but understand that calling circus performers carnies only offends the circus performers. Calling carnies circus performers only compliments the carnie on the quality of their trailer. Otherwise--it confuses them.

While I was in the circus, I had to entertain the crowd, sell balloons during intermission, and help set up the props and equipment. During one such work session I was met by one of the building supervisors. I was visibly NOT a native Kentuckian. What gave me away was my easy to understand, accent-free dialect, and the fact that I had then as I do today, a long tail trailing down the back of my head. I keep this braided and neat in appearance.

The building guy started a very nice conversation with me as I was working. Nothing out of the ordinary, where ya from? & how do you like this business? - that sort of stuff.

Soon after our little chat had started, he leaned in close to me and asked if I could speak with him privately. I was a bit put off by this, but since I needed a break, I decided to head towards the water fountain and find out what he wanted.

At the fountain, he made sure that he had my undivided attention before speaking. He looked around to make sure no one else was around to hear what he was about to say. I was sure he was going to invite me to a Klan meeting. Much to my surprise, there was no friendly invite to a Klu Klux Klan rally but rather a most unusual question instead.

You know youve got long hair dont-cha? he said with a whisper.

I asked him to repeat the question. With the same care for discretion, he leaned in again.

You KNOW youve got long hair dont-cha? he said, slower this time, for my benefit.





I didnt know what to say. I thought to myself was he so shocked by my tail that he had to get an explanation or was he trying to warn me about some redneck, renegade, hair-hating society that lurked within the Commonwealth?

Perhaps he honestly thought that somehow over the last few years a barber (not a hairstylist, mind you, but a good ole American BARBER, GODDAMMIT!) had just missed a few locks of hair and he thought he was doing me a favor by telling me about this errant hair trailing down my head. More likely he, a Johnny Unitas buzz-cut kind of a guy, couldnt take the unusual and radical approach to my mane.

I decided that the best course of action was to end this conversation right away. Being something of a smart-ass, I slowly reached around to the back of my head and found the offending queue.

I do? I asked, Oh My GOD, I do! I said this with an appropriate amount of shock.

I apologized for my obvious mistake and thanked him for pointing it out. He simply smiled and said, Glad I could help, and walked away.

Now, had I looked like everyone else in this backwards state, Id have had a .38 Special T-shirt on and sported EITHER a full-on mullet OR a flat-top crew cut. Apparently these were the only socially acceptable hair options. If you were not Billy Ray Cyrus or a Harley rider, there would be NO long hair. PERIOD!

On a similar trip. a different building guy, fascinated with my hair, actually asked the question, How long have you HAD hair?" He wasnt joking. I assumed he meant, how long have you had LONG hair? But he way he asked the question implied that he wanted to know how long having hair had been a part of my daily life. Joking around, I told him, Ive had hair since I was born, thinking hed laugh and leave. Instead he asked, well howd you get it to grow in that funny pattern, then?"

This should give you an idea of the type of stupidity I encountered in Kentucky. Having encountered people like this EVERY DAY I thought that Id seen it all. However I was wrong. No amount of stupid people could prepare me for one very special little boy.

I was selling balloons at the circus, a practice observed by all circuses. Keep in mind that any product pitch at the circus is a fast & furious procedure. The Ringmaster has a well rehearsed and eloquent speech designed to entice the audience to buy a silly little souvenir. Theres an art and a science to the circus pitch. Most shows really make their money on the concessions and there has to be some quality sell through in order to survive.



Easy to Remember Isn't ItIf youve attended a smaller circus you may have noticed one similarity among the pitches for souvenirs, everything is exactly one dollar. A buck. One dollar is easy to remember, and most people are very willing to take out one dollar for just about anything. A dollar is also an amount of money reasonable enough any parent is willing to hand it to their kids in order to stop their whining. One dollar is the magic amount, all pitches focus around the price point of a dollar. Its spelled out for the buyer in order to make it fool-proof. There is absolutely no reason why anyone in the audience would not know that the cost of a comic book or a balloon is ONE DOLLAR!

That having been said, while selling my balloons, I was met with a question that, sadly, was not uncommon.

How much are the balloons?

It was a kid, a dirty, scruffy little kid. This kid would probably be called a toe-headed little boy if it werent for the fact that he was in such a state of unclean his hair had a distinctly more dingy look. This boy was at least 10 years old, more likely about 12 by my best estimate. He very badly wanted to buy a balloon at the circus. In my clown outfit, I stood there tending to my customers. I politely told him that the cost was one dollar. He got all dejected and let out an, AW, man! signifying that he didnt have the dollar.

I was dressed like a circus clown, and clowns, inherently, are supposed to be funny. Were the jokesters of the show and I was supposed to be ready with a rapier wit. So before the kid could leave, I added a little throw-away joke.



Four of Them Makes a DOLLAR!But for YOU, the cost is 4 quarters!

This seemed like a funny little quip at the time. I had no idea just how funny the joke would become.

The boy, a kid OLD ENOUGH to know the value of a dollar, brightened up with a smile. He looked at me all bright-eyed and screamed, Yeah? ALL RIGHT! He reached into his pocket and pulled out 4 quarters. He handed me the money, took his balloon and ran off as happy as a kid on his birthday.

As

I stood there dumbfounded, I was reminded of a billboard I saw as I rode the Interstate from Illinois into Kentucky. It was a billboard promoting the states student loan programs. The billboard read, Need an education? Kentucky wants to HELP!" I assumed they would give students directions back to Illinois.

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