Mugabe Bans Colour Red! No, Really!

Things have gone from bad to worse to just plain old crazy in Zimbabwe. President Robert Mugabe (pictured with Hitler-style moustache) has banned the colour red from Zimbabwe television.

No, youre not reading The Onion, this is for real. Red is the colour of the opposition party Movement For Democratic Change. In a desperate bid to win next year's election he has ordered the state controlled Zimbabwe Television Network not to use the colour. This surreal stampdown from power-mad Mugabe is going to make life difficult for ZTV employees and viewers.

 

Not on ZTVPresumably the sports coverage will suffer, as all football matches involving Manchester United, Liverpool and Arsenal are out, leaving the grim prospect of screening Blackburn away to Birmingham City. What if someone gets sent off? ZTV will be unable to show the red card, and will have to either hope that nobody notices the missing player or make up an excuse for his absence. They could say he had to go and pick up his kids from school, or it was his turn to walk the dogs, or something.

 

What about cricket? With their pristine white uniforms and wooden bats the players should be fine. Unfortunately the ball is red, so ZTV will have to employ some seriously creative techniques to get round that one. And its safe to assume that snooker is out of the question altogether.

 

Not on ZTV

Franco-Polish cinema enthusiasts are in for a shock as theyre now limited to just two-thirds of Kristoff Kieslowskis celebrated Three Colours trilogy. Theyre free to enjoy Three Colours: Blue and Three Colours: White, but the final (and arguably best) installment Three Colours: Red will probably be off limits. And any Gene Wilder or Kelly Le Brock fans out there are in for a lean year, as The Woman In Red is unlikely to be screened for a while.

 

The only positive I can think of is that Spielbergs Schindlers List will be a much better film without that little girl in the red coat, and the red blood so prevalent in Steven Segals oeuvre will see his screen-time cut to a minimum.

 

Not on ZTVMugabes ban will be similarly distressing for fans of semi-naked American rockers the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, but itll be music to Zimbabwean ears that they will never have to cringe through Chris De Burghs The Lady In Red ever again.

 

 

 

 

Will all this madness secure Mugabe another term in office? Probably not, but chances are hell rig the election and hold onto power anyway.

 

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